A couple months ago, I told you about a Toronto estate-planning attorney who has made it his mission to help people avoid the fights that often occur among relatives when a family member dies.
Based on responses I've received to that column, it appears that the voice of experience also can provide some good, basic advice to help families during such difficult times.
For example, consider an e-mail I received from a woman named Katherine. She is the oldest of seven children, and tragedy struck her family while she was still young. She was 18 when her mom died and 19 when her dad died.
"We had the luxury of not having to divide the estate immediately, which not everyone will have, but the way we did it worked very well for us," Katherine wrote. "The four youngest went to live with an aunt, so some of our belongings went with them. Other relatives were willing to store much of the rest. The rest went to auction, which I still regret, but none of the really important items were lost to us."
Katherine wrote that the actual division of personal effects did not take place until her youngest brother turned 18, a full 15 years later.
"We all sat down with a list of items. We separated things into major and minor categories (not necessarily a division of monetary value — we all agreed that some things were major because of emotional value alone). We then took turns (alternating opportunities to be first) choosing from the major list until everything was selected. We sat back and everyone looked to see what they had. The questions we kept asking were, 'Do you have what you really want here?' and 'Is everyone OK that I have thus and so?' and 'Does anyone want to make a switch?'
"We repeated this procedure with the minor list. I remember leaving that meeting feeling how blessed I was that my family was so incredible."
Unfortunately, that scenario did not repeat itself 20 years later, when Katherine's grandmother died.
"My dad's two older sisters apparently did not understand the concept of rights of survivorship and had their own ideas of how Grammie's estate should be divided," Katherine wrote. "They, too, made a list of items. We were offered sheets, towels and other meaningless household items from that list. When we said we would like actual items of furniture, china or jewelry, we were told, '(You) aren't entitled to anything here.' . . . There were other very hurtful things said. . . . It was painful, and caused a serious rift — luckily, only a temporary one — but we did get through it."
Having been in both situations, Katherine has her own advice. She wrote:
"All the beneficiaries need to communicate."
"Make a list of personal effects, and categorize them."
"If you want someone to have a specific item, make sure everyone knows about it."
"Do this very early on. Mom died at 43, and Dad at 44. If they hadn't set up trusts and had wills, and life insurance, we would have been in a world of hurt."
"If at all possible, let a little time go by before trying to divide personal effects."
"Try very hard to do this all in person. Letters are very hurtful, because you can read them over and over."
"Remember that everyone involved will have at least one very meaningful item that they want. Try your best to see that they get it."
"Never lose sight of the fact that you are all family, and in the long run, that's the most important heritage of all."
She may not be an estate attorney, but I think Katherine's ideas are sound.
If you have similar experiences or other ideas, I'd like to hear about them, too. Please send them — or any financial questions — to me by e-mail to gkratz@desnews.com or by regular mail to the Deseret Morning News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110.
E-mail: gkratz@desnews.com