Question: I am a white, 43-year-old male who comes from a small family — just my mom and two sisters. Even though we all live in Houston, we can go weeks without seeing each other. We love each other and get along. We just live independent, self-reliant lives.
My 40-year-old Latina girlfriend lives in San Antonio. Her parents are deceased, but she has a huge extended family of sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins. What bothers me is how intrusive her family is. They are always around! When we're in Houston, we have more one- on-one time and more typical dates. In San Antonio, we have group outings, and I get dragged to about a million family functions.
I am starting to resent driving 200 miles to see my girlfriend, only to spend most of the time with her family. I have nicely told her my feelings, but they don't seem to register. Is her reliance on family a cultural difference?
Catherine: Family unity is the backbone of Latin culture. Some people, regardless of race, are more family-oriented, but close-knit families are what keep the Latin culture alive.
What concerns me more than your views on family unity is your communication as a couple. You said you have "nicely told" her your feelings, but they don't seem to register. I would try to be more direct. Ask her how she feels about your time alone and the family time. Is she feeling pressure from her family? Is there something else going on that you're not aware of? This entire issue could be resolved in a few direct conversations.
If you two are unable to express your feelings clearly, then it might not be wise to continue with the relationship. Remember, the issues will keep coming. You need to figure out a way to face them head-on.
Danny: If you ever sought a defining characteristic of Hispanic culture, this would be it. There is not one time I can remember being back home in El Paso without family "intrusion." But this is a characteristic that makes me proud to be a Latino.
Your idea of intrusiveness is their delightful family dynamic of interaction. Is your girlfriend being a bit insensitive? !Claro que si! But she is proud of you and considers you part of the family. Nevertheless, it is time to stand your ground and set some boundaries in this relationship.
Keep an open mind and start asking questions about why and how her family stays so close. You will never be able to pull her away from this dynamic. But you can certainly gain a better understanding and then help her experience the joys of just being with you.
And now that all that flowery, emotional love mush has made its way out of my thought process, I also wonder if you should consider this recurring issue as a cue to exit stage right and forgo the 200-mile drive to the never-ending family fiesta.
Lily: Amor de lejos . . . love between two cities probably contributes to the fact that you guys can't seem to talk.
My husband and I went through this. When he came Houston, I always had a family function for us to attend. Why? Because I loved him so much I wanted everyone to see what a great guy I had found.
He never said anything while we were dating. Now, four years later, he tells me that it would have been nice to spend a lazy Saturday together, just the two of us. You said you have "nicely" told your girlfriend your feelings. I agree with Catherine — maybe it's time to voice your feelings a bit more directly.
GLOSSARY: claro que sim: of course amor de lejos: love from afar, long-distance love
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