THE PACIFIER — * 1/2 — Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham, Faith Ford; rated PG-13 (violence, vulgarity, mild profanity).
It may be too early to tell whether Vin Diesel is going to be the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, but it's definitely too early for Diesel to be attempting Schwarzenegger's movie-career-rehabilitation scheme.
Starring in "The Pacifier" is essentially the same move Schwarzenegger made with his supposedly family-friendly comedy "Kindergarten Cop," only "The Pacifier" is even dumber and considerably more crass.
Diesel stars as Lt. Shane Wolf, a U.S. Navy SEAL coming off his worst career defeat. Wolf was assigned to protect kidnapped scientist Howard Plummer (Tate Donovan), but both he and his his top-secret project were lost.
So now he's assigned to protect Plummer's widow, Julie (Faith Ford), and her five children (including Brittany Snow, Max Thieriot and Morgan York). But Wolf's also searching for Plummer's invention, which is still in the house.
The notoriously kid-phobic Wolf has his hands full when Julie has to leave the country, leaving him alone with the kids. Needless to say, he's not happy about the new arrangement, . . . and neither are the kids.
Director Adam Shankman never settles on a consistent tone here. Some of the action scenes appear to be played for laughs, while the supposedly humorous scenes are played straight-faced.
Diesel wears a sourpuss look consistently through the movie. That doesn't help him become any more likable, and instead, it makes it appear that he'd rather be anywhere else.
Worse, at times this overly violent film even defies categorization as a comedy — in particular, its opening scene, which could have been taken from any of Diesel's previous action-thrillers.
Even when the film does try to be funny, the jokes mostly consist of "Home Alone"-style shenanigans, dirty-diaper gags and plenty of exasperated looks from Diesel.
We know how you feel, Vin.
The film also wastes the talents of TV stars Brad Garrett ("Everyone Loves Raymond"), Snow ("American Dreams") and especially Lauren Graham ("Gilmore Girls"), who's relegated to a go-nowhere role as Diesel's love interest (eww!).
"The Pacifier" is rated PG-13 for violence (action scenes involving shootouts and combat, as well as some slapstick bits), crude gags about and references to bodily functions, and scattered use of mild profanity (mostly religion-based). Running time: 97 minutes.
E-mail: jeff@desnews.com