THE LONGEST YARD — ** — Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds; rated PG-13 (violence, profanity, vulgarity, racial epithets, drugs, brief partial nudity).When "The Longest Yard" is about football, it's not too bad. Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is.
The nicest thing to be said is that this film is not quite as awful as Adam Sandler's other football movie, the inexplicable 1998 hit "The Waterboy."
"The Longest Yard" is a remake (of a more-than-30-year-old film that's remembered as better than it actually is), and among this film's lazier bits are a series of supposedly amusing cameos by professional wrestlers (including former WWE stars "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Bill Goldberg), retired football players (including Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski) and ESPN commentators (which gives the irksome Chris Berman more time on the big screen than he ever deserved).
Worse, it's one of the more mean-spirited comedies in recent memory. "The Longest Yard" is an equal-opportunity offender, with ill-considered racial, sexual and drug humor that's simply not funny.
And then there's Sandler's phoning-it-in performance. He stars as disgraced former pro football player Paul Crewe. Thanks to a high-profile, drunken-driving arrest, Paul has been sentenced to a three-year term at Allenville Federal Penitentiary in Texas. And Allenville's football-crazy warden (James Cromwell) is thrilled to have him there.
As it turns out, the warden wants Paul to put together an inmate team so the prison's semi-professional team (made up of its guards) can have a tune-up game.
Easier said than done. Paul has already made enemies of most of the cons, save the resourceful Caretaker (Chris Rock) and another former pro player, Nate Scarborough (Burt Reynolds, who starred as Paul Crewe in the original version).
While you can certainly point a finger at Sandler and Rock for their uninspired performances, the ultimate responsibility for the movie's failings falls on director Peter Segal, who can't seem to make heads or tails out of the bit climactic football game.
Aside from some of the harder hits on the field, the best parts of the movie are — surprisingly — hip-hop music star Nelly, who acquits himself nicely as the con team's star running back, and pro wrestler Kevin Nash, who exudes some goofy charm as one of the guards.
"The Longest Yard" is rated PG-13 for some strong violence (including athletic violence, vehicular mayhem and other brawling), occasional use of strong profanity (including one usage of the so-called "R-rated" curse word), crude sexual humor and references, use of racial epithets, drug content (some references, as well as steroid use), and some brief, partial male nudity. Running time: 114 minutes.
E-mail: jeff@desnews.com