Most fathers know how to provide for and discipline their children. But a BYU professor who has spent many years studying the benefits of father/child relationships, said many fathers "need encouragement to connect with their children in ways that will really make a difference."
A fundamental, often neglected, responsibility of fatherhood is to carefully and creatively think about what a specific child needs at a specific time in his or her life and to try to find a way to meet that need, said David Dollahite, a professor of family life at BYU.
"Many men are good at providing tangible things, but they may need a little more help or thoughtfulness connecting with their children in ways that meet their deepest emotional and spiritual needs," he said. "A lot of men leave that kind of connection to the mom."
Brother Dollahite co-authored a recent study that found the most significant way for fathers to connect with their children is through participating in shared activities. The study, by researchers at BYU and North Dakota State University, is published in the current issue of Fathering, a journal of theory, research and practice about men as fathers.
"How fathers connect with their children is both important and interesting," said Brother Dollahite. "This research provides a window to look at some of the specific ways in which fathers connect with their children."
After conducting in-depth interviews with Latter-day Saint fathers concerning their relationships and the dynamics of how they connected with their children, Brother Dollahite and lead author Sean Brotherson concluded men feel close to their children when they are doing things together that are fun, engaging or focused on learning.
Connecting with a child was expressed in situations ranging from playful wrestling to teaching a child to hammer a nail, said Brother Brotherson, an assistant professor and extension family science specialist at NDSU. The research found men form connections with children as they personally participate in activities together, express support or care for an ill or anxious child, interact with children at birth or adoption, share time and affection with children and participate in spiritual activities with their children.
Brother Dollahite said he recommends four ways to encourage meaningful father/child connections.First, he said, the father should build and maintain a strong and healthy connection with the child's mother. Research indicates that when a father has a strong relationship with a child's mother, the chances of the father building and sustaining a relationship with the child is greatly improved, he said.
Second, remember that children spell love T.I.M.E., so make time for them often, he said. Many fathers — and Latter-day Saint fathers are not immune, he said — "are so involved in work, church and community, and work around the house that they don't make the time to be involved with their children." Quality time is not enough, he explained. "There is power in doing small things on a daily or regular basis with a child."
Third, connect early, connect often, connect deeply, connect spiritually, Brother Dollahite said. Too many men don't engage in the care of their child until that child is old enough to walk or throw a ball, he explained.
"The research shows the earlier and the deeper you connect with a child the better long-term connection you will have with a child. . . ," he said. "Too many children aren't really certain that their father deeply loves them."
Much of this connection can occur as fathers pray with their children, give them a father's blessing, share their testimony, or join them in Church service.
Fourth, he said, ponder regularly about how you can get closer to your children. Most men, he said, are good at solving problems and meeting challenges in their work, at growing in their hobby (how to improve their golf swing, for example), or at thinking about challenges in Church service. "What is also important is for men to use their ability to think and analyze and ponder (how) to better connect with each of their children."
Some dads, he said, are good at connecting with younger children, others with older children. Some dads connect with children who have shared interests. Some connect better with boys, others with girls. "Fathers need to be a little bit flexible and more creative. They need to go to where their child is, to connect in a way the child needs, not in a way that is convenient to the dad."
A child's connection with a father also has spiritual benefits. Connecting with their earthly father can be a blessing to children because, research shows, it then helps children connect with their Heavenly Father, Brother Dollahite added. He noted that if a child feels like his or her father doesn't know, understand and love him or her, then the child will have a harder time believing in a Heavenly Father who knows and loves him or her.
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