Dear Annie: My mother allows my 22-year-old brother, "Matt," to send her $150 every month. Mom is married, and although their money is budgeted, there is no problem paying bills.
I asked Mom why Matt is sending her money, and she said it was to pay her back for all the years he lived in her house rent-free. I'm not sure what she means by that. Matt joined the Navy at 18 and hasn't lived at home since. Does she expect him to pay for those years he was a child in her house?
Mom uses the extra money for furniture and new clothes. She told me Matt wants her to spend it on herself. I told Mom that taking money from your child as "payback" when you don't need it for any particular emergency was not the right thing to do. She says Matt is an adult and can spend his money however he wants.
I don't think Matt owes Mom a dime. Until he was 10 years old, he was brought up by an abusive father figure. After that, Mom had several dysfunctional boyfriends, and my brother's entire world revolved around her safety. Matt dropped out of high school to get a job so he could give money to Mom. When he didn't get along with her then-boyfriend, he joined the service.
My mother says it's none of my business, and I agree, but I have a hard time doing nothing about it. I don't want Matt to be sucked into this obligation for the rest of his life. Please help. — Concerned Sister
Dear Concerned: Matt is not doing this because Mom needs the money. He is doing it because it makes him feel like he is protecting her. This is not uncommon for boys who grow up seeing their mothers abused. By providing her with money, he is letting her know she can rely on him. It would be nice if Mom would take this money and put it into a savings account for Matt's future, but she isn't going to do it, and it will serve no purpose for you to keep arguing with her about it. You and your brother both sound like very caring people. Stay close to each other.
Dear Annie: Please comment on gun safety. My husband and two teenage sons have 18 rifles and three handguns in the house. Seven years ago, when the first rifle was bought (over my protests), they promised it would be locked up. Now, the gun cabinet sits unlocked, the boys have rifles in their bedrooms, and the ammunition sits in open boxes in the garage because they haven't had time to put it away.
I'm told my concerns are ridiculous. Are they? — City Girl
Dear City Girl: No, your concerns are perfectly sensible. Even the NRA says to store guns so they are not accessible to unauthorized persons.
Your kids have friends who could easily get to those guns and ammo without anyone's knowledge. You may have visitors with small children who think those guns are toys. Your husband and sons are being lazy and shortsighted if they believe their actions can't have consequences beyond their own intentions. Insist that they shape up before there is a tragic accident.
Dear Annie: I have a couple of words of wisdom for "Disgruntled, Loving Husband." He was at a sporting event, and his wife thought it was fun to flirt on her cell phone with a stranger across the arena. Tell him she can easily be replaced. — North Carolina
Dear N.C.: Ouch.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. © Creators Syndicate Inc.