THE CAVE — * 1/2 — Eddie Cibrian, Cole Hauser, Lena Headey; rated PG-13 (violence, profanity, gore, vulgarity, brief drugs).
There's nothing about "The Cave" that should be taken seriously. After all, its supposed special effects are less than special, and it sports a B-movie-quality cast, including "Paparazzi's" Cole Hauser, "Gossip's" Lena Headey and Morris Chestnut, from last year's "Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid."
And say what you will about that latter film, at least it — and its predecessor — had a sense of humor. Apparently the filmmakers realized how cheeseball their material was and decided to simply go along with that.
Would that the makers of this dopey horror-thriller did the same. It's played entirely too straight-faced for its own good, which is to say, deadly serious. It won't even cooperate with audiences who want to — and probably should — laugh at it.
The film's title refers to a mysterious cave system that's been discovered in the Carpathian Mountains. The above-ground entrance has been sealed, so a team of cave divers and scientists has been sent into the nearby waters and below.
They're hoping to explore as much of its 90 miles of tunnels and caverns as possible. But as it turns out they're not alone. Ravenous, bat-like creatures have been lying in wait and have begun picking them off one by one.
Worse, an explosion has sealed the only recognizable entrance. Rather than wait for an improbable rescue, the quickly dwindling party decides to trudge on — and follow their injured leader, Jack (Hauser). His younger brother, Tyler (Eddie Cibrian), secretly questions whether that's a good idea.
Among the bigger problems here is first-timer Bruce Hunt's inability to direct coherent action scenes (of course, the possibility exists that he's trying cover up the chintzy-looking creature effects).
To be fair, it's not as if he gets award-quality performances from his cast. Hauser's wooden turn is the worst of the bunch, and it's the one thing that will likely garner a few chuckles.
Former soap star Cibrian looks bored, while Chestnut almost seems like he's avoiding the camera (who could blame him, really). However, Piper Perabo manages to be less irksome than usual — in very limited screen time.
"The Cave" is rated PG-13 for strong scenes of violence (creature attacks, as well as explosive mayhem), scattered use of strong profanity, gore, a few vulgar slang terms, and brief drug content (hypodermic use). Running time: 97 minutes.
E-mail: jeff@desnews.com