Dear Abby: I'm a college sophomore living in a dorm. My best friend lives a few doors down. We have always had a wonderful, caring friendship and many things in common. Lately, however, she has not been spending much time with me. Normally this would not concern me because we are both very busy right now — but we recently had an argument in which I discovered her inability to handle confrontation.
When I brought up my concern, it led to a fight. She burst into tears and said she can't handle it when I "yell" at her. Abby, I hadn't raised my voice. Later, more calmly, she told me she cannot handle confrontation and will never, under any circumstances, take the first step. This worries me, not only for our friendship, but for her own emotional health.
When she doesn't want to spend time with me, I wonder whether she's angry with me and won't say so. This could seriously affect her in her future friendships and romances. I tried to talk to her about addressing her fear of confrontation, perhaps through some sort of therapy. She doesn't think she has a problem. I'd like to help her. Am I right that this could cause her problems? — Worried Friend in Oakland
Dear Worried: Yes, it could. However, until your friend is willing to face the fact that she has a problem and is ready to deal with it, nothing you can say will convince her.
In the household in which your friend was raised, she may have been punished for expressing overt anger. People raised to "stuff" their feelings that way sometimes find other ways of expressing it so they won't have to admit their true feelings. The name for this "other way" is passive aggression.
Right now, your friend may be busy, or she may be punishing you for putting her in a corner by avoiding you. But if the way she deals with unpleasantness is by avoiding it, you'll never get a straight answer from her — so my advice is to enlarge your circle of friends.
Dear Abby: My father passed away three months ago. He remarried shortly after our mother died 10 years ago. All of us children were with him at the end. We all loved and cared for him very much.
My concern is, none of us has seen his will. Before Dad remarried, my youngest sister was supposed to be in charge of that. We are guessing that the will was changed. None of us cared for his new wife much, and we don't really want to ask her whether there is a will or not.
How long does it take for a will to be filed after a spouse has passed on? And how can we find out without talking to his second wife? — Curious in Cincinnati
Dear Curious: Contact your father's attorney. If your youngest sister was "supposed to be in charge of that," she might already know who that person is. That way you won't have to talk to your father's second wife, and your questions will be answered by a legal expert.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. © Universal Press Syndicate