What a bad couple of weeks it's been. Two Tour de France contenders were barred for alleged blood doping, the Americans flamed out in the World Cup and Barry Bonds just won't go away.
So what am I worrying about?
Whether Bear will get in the Mascot Hall of Fame, naturally.
I never claimed to be a serious George Will-type journalist. I like to entertain myself with oddball things. Like, for instance, the Mascot Hall of Fame and whether eating more than 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes is really good etiquette.
Call me George Will Lite.
I've been thinking of putting together an impassioned plea to get Bear in the MHOF. Now that Stockton and Malone are gone, and Jerry Sloan isn't retiring anytime soon, how else are the Jazz going to get someone in the Hall of Fame?
I was also wondering how a 160-pound guy can eat his weight in pork and live to tell.
But wait. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's take it from the top. First, mascots. Second, hot dogs — both the type you eat and the type you watch.
If you go to mascothalloffame.com, you'll find that balloting is now open for the 2006 competition, to be announced in August. Bear, who has been entertaining Jazz fans since 1993, is up for the honor along with Seattle's Mariner Moose, the Houston Rockets' Clutch, the Cleveland Indians' Slider, the Kansas City Chiefs' K.C. Wolf and the Durham Bulls' Wool E. Bull.
Already in the Hall: The Famous Chicken, the Phoenix Gorilla and the Philly Phanatic.
Good choices, one and all.
They're lumpy, comical and harebrained.
So how come Greg Ostertag's not up for consideration?
If you think mascots are all about laughs, though, consider this: A Chicago Bulls mascot was charged this week with misdemeanor battery and driving within a parkway after allegedly punching a sheriff's deputy.
Benny the Bull — real name Barry Anderson — was reportedly riding his motorcycle, in costume, through the crowd at the Taste of Chicago festival without a permit. When an off-duty officer tried to stop him, the bull ran. (Is this what they mean by "the running of the bulls"?)
When the officer caught him, trouble ensued. Anderson is accused of breaking the officer's watch and knocking off his glasses.
That's not the first time a Bulls mascot has had a scrape with the law. Last year a mascot called Da Bull was sentenced to probation for possession of cannabis with intent to deliver.
Seems the Bulls mascots are as bad as they wanna be.
So I ask, how come the Jazz's mascot never gets arrested?
The worst thing he's ever done is pretend to pass gas during a timeout.
In other entertaining sports news, Japan's Takeru Kobayashi won his sixth straight Independence Day hot-dog competition at Coney Island. He downed 53 3/4 dogs in 12 minutes, which must have been like watching Elvis during a backstage break at the Vegas Hilton.
Kobayashi smashed his old record of 53 1/2, set two years ago.
It's nice to know the drive for excellence is still there.
Kobayashi edged San Jose's Joey Chesnut, who busied himself by cramming franks into his mouth with two hands. But the methodical Kobayashi overtook him in the ninth minute, and it was soon over, 53 3/4 to 52.
This event reminds me of lunch in my junior high school cafeteria. If you didn't shove down your food, you got left alone.
In any case, life's too short to worry non-stop about Barry Bonds and the like. So give yourself a break and start enjoying things. Vote on a silly mascot. Wolf down a hot dog. And for heaven's sake, don't take things too seriously.
If you do find yourself becoming too solemn, lighten up by imagining George Will in a chicken suit.
E-mail: rock@desnews.com