LaVarr is on vacation this week and has requested that I "go solo." Therefore, expect the following from this week's column: no cheerleading for Mitt Romney; no further mention of the Salt Lake Chamber-sponsored transportation alliance; and no parental supervision of me. Without these burdens, and knowing there will be ample opportunity in the near future to explore the antics of the upcoming legislative session, I hereby offer a different perspective:
The 10 rules for non-Mormons to succeed in Utah — as developed by a native Italian-Irish Catholic Democrat Utahn.
1. Laugh at the culture but never the doctrines. Utah's peculiar society demands mockery. Only the most strait-laced Mormon cannot chuckle at the idiosyncrasies in this community. But the LDS Church does not have a monopoly on unique beliefs. All faiths possess some unusual doctrines and practices (i.e. Evangelicals, Catholics, Orthodox anything.)
2. Forget about dumping the liquor laws, it ain't happening — and shouldn't. I possess some experience in this area. By the age of 21 I had been a bartender and private club cardholder for several years (the miracle of a fake ID). Indeed, it is difficult for me to reflect on my college and law school years because the memories remain in a fog. While some tweaks to restrictions on liquor consumption are needed, I do not understand all the whining and moaning. There are no dry counties. The prohibition against hard liquor in supermarkets has guaranteed that Utah wine stores are well-stocked with quality and a diversity of products. Further, I serve as living proof (sorry for the pun) that one can get a drink in Utah.
3. Guilt is a powerful tool — use it. Mormons believe they live in a guilt-ridden society. Actually, they are rank amateurs when compared to Irish Catholics and Jewish mothers. Because of their history, Mormons hope to be a tolerant and understanding people. This provides opportunities of fun and mischief for those of us who are experienced players, and victims, of the guilt game. By using the right tone and demeanor ("I guess because I'm not of the faith, you're unwilling to understand my position"), you can drive almost any LDS member into despondency and some acquiescence to your request.
4. Quote their heroes. Nothing sows confusion and grudging admiration more than a heathen reciting from the Book of Mormon or LDS authority. When pleading for Democratic causes, I always rely on the wise words of those ancient liberals Alma and King Benjamin. When Republicans get really outrageous, I recall Joseph Smith's phrase "unrighteous dominion." I have become accomplished at referring to Brigham Young on various matters — regardless of whether he actually made a statement on the topic.
5. Praise the Prophet. Fortunately, this is rather easy since the LDS Church has been led by very ecumenical men in modern times. Comments about how "cool" President Gordon B. Hinckley is for appearing on "Larry King Live" and "60 Minutes" go a long way. Oftentimes, Mormons will respond to me with praise for the pope (a guy with whom I do have issues).
6. Understand the "Utah Way." In that great movie "The Untouchables," Sean Connery 's character police officer Jim Malone describes open and direct confrontation with opponents — usually with weapons — as the "Chicago Way." Different methods are used in the Beehive State. When one openly attacks or challenges native Utahns, they rarely respond with direct confrontation. You will either be greeted with smiles and expressions of friendship, or completely ignored, while your opponent is thinking of various ways to stick it to you. I do not care much for this wimpy passive-aggressive behavior, but it is how business is done in our community.
7. Play to your strengths. For the most part, Utahns are homogeneous and reserved by nature. Consequently, Mormons find endearing personal distinctive qualities that stand out. Because of my Italian heritage, I wave my arms and raise my voice in even the most subdued conversations — which many Utahns view as charming.
8. Accept the compliment. Some nonmembers are angered over the attempts by their Mormon associates to convert them. So what? Every day billions are spent to change our preferences for toothpaste, automobiles, clothing, etc. LDS faithful do not receive commissions for conversions — their willingness to share the faith is genuine. I'm always honored when a member courts an obnoxious heathen like me.
9. Know the psyche. A devout LDS friend once explained to me the fundamental characteristics of Mormons: Members believe the true Gospel has been restored; the Church president is a living prophet; and "they" are coming to get you. Such paranoia is logical in considering LDS Church history — Nauvoo, the Utah War, imprisoning church leaders. This doesn't justify every action of LDS members, but it does explain many of them.
10. Always remember, this is a great place to live. Obviously, there are lots of scenic and recreational opportunities in the state. But without Mormons, there would be no Utah, and the I-15 corridor would be a string of mediocre communities. Utah is a thriving region for education and the arts because of its people. This dynamic is a real boon for us Gentiles. We get a metropolitan lifestyle and yet no crowds on Sunday at the ski resorts or Costco.
Supplemental Rule — Marry a Mormon. I did, and I have food storage in the basement and thousands of in-laws.
Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. A former candidate for Salt Lake mayor, he served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as House minority leader. Pignanelli's spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a Utah state tax commissioner. E-mail: frankp@xmission.com. Republican LaVarr Webb , who will return next week, was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. He now is a political consultant and lobbyist. E-mail: lwebb@exoro.com.