In a few weeks I will be hosting our annual Weekend for Women conference, and there to celebrate this important event in my life will be my three closest friends from college days, the BYU Babes. Each year we attempt our ritual reunion, a time to eat, talk, eat, play, eat, shop and all other vital elements of women friendship. Each year I return home renewed, ready to again embrace and enjoy being a woman, wife and mother.
Women need women friends. In our busy lives we tend to let go of the very thing that would calm us — the therapeutic listening ear and loving feedback of a dear friend. If you're feeling neglectful (or neglected), let me share with you a few ideas on how to get better connected.
In LIFEChange we consider three main concentric circles of friends that denote our connection levels (concentric circles like ripples in a pond). First, from the outside in (on the outer circle) are casual friends, people you see at the baseball game, gym and such. You're friendly and connect but usually more on the "Hi, how are you?" level.
In the second concentric circle (moving toward the inside), are close friends, those with whom we have shared experiences, see fairly frequently and connect with in a consistent way.
The innermost circle is core friends, those with whom we connect on a gut level. These people could be family members, though not always, to whom we feel close despite great absences, or with whom we've shared a powerful experience. Friends can flow between circles: Sometimes casual becomes more close, and then perhaps that person moves to another state and becomes casual again, etc.
If you're looking to create a little more closeness, try one of these ideas.
1. A weekly playdate. Our children have them, we need them. Don't skip this. It can be as simple as a phone call, lunch, even a Cold Stone for 20 minutes. Schedule it just like a serious appointment and keep it.
2. A yearly reunion. Those old friends you haven't seen forever but were such a big part of your life? Find them and schedule a reunion. Use Web-site trackers, friends who may know a friend, and find one. Years ago I was talking with my college friend and said, "What happened to Judy?" We called, connected, and within two weeks we had a get-together organized with the four of us, the beginnings of our yearly ritual.
3. 3-1-4 Principle. In the 3-1-4 Principle, simply choose three friends and do one thing for each, within four weeks. This is not manipulation or suddenly becoming best friends; it is merely opening yourself to the opportunity for more connection. Simple things are best, no overwhelming overtures like a giant fruit basket or a trip to Hawaii. Just a simple e-mail, card or a yummy treat lets them know you appreciate them and who they are.
There is one more category to mention, and that is toxic friends. These are people who are basically emotional black holes. Speaking with them can make you feel confused, uncomfortable and create self-doubt. To eliminate this, first be aware it's happening and not just to you. Track three conversations and note afterward how you felt. Then decrease the time spent with this person and set an appropriate boundary of what you will share. One woman I coached in the LIFEChange program was achieving her goal when a co-worker began subtly attacking her motivation until she actually stopped doing the program. Once we realized what was happening, she was able to turn it around by not stopping each morning to share her goal and focus positive energy on herself.
This week, connect with a good friend or open the opportunity to make a good friend a great one.
LIFETip: Use the 3-1-4 Principle and e-mail me what happens!
Book Pick: "I Know Just What You Mean: The Power of Friendship in Women's Lives" by Ellen Goodman
"Get Fit and Fabulous" Weekend for Women will be March 24, 9 a.m.-3 p.m., at the Provo Marriott. Preregistration costs $44. Information: www.lifechangeprogram.com