Kiley Worthington was 2 1/2 years old when she declared her independence from her parents.
"That's my daddy," she told her father one day, pointing a chubby finger at a family portrait.
In and out of jail most of his daughter's life, Kiley's father had had little to do with the child. Drugs commandeered — from both parents — any attention that might have been Kiley's.
Still, a piece of his heart fluttered at the thought that his baby girl acknowledged him. Daring to hope, he motioned at his own photo.
"This one?"
Kiley shook her head, blue eyes wide and innocent.
"No," she said.
It wasn't her father's face she pointed to. It was her grandfather's.
An increasing number of grandparents, like Kiley's, are taking over parental duties, trading in the golden years for another round of spit-up and diapers. In 1970, about 3 percent of American children lived in grandparent-headed households. According to the 2008 U.S. Census, that percentage has now more than doubled. At last count, about 18,000 Utah grandparents had stepped in where their own children had failed.
"This isn't just an issue for people on welfare," said Jacci Graham, director of The Children's Service Society, which provides support for grandparents raising their grandchildren. "All types of people are dealing with this — doctors, lawyers, college professors."
High-profile grandfamilies (as these unconventional families are known) include that of Barack Obama, who was largely raised by his maternal grandmother, Michael Jackson, who gave the care of his three children over to his mother, and in Utah, Larry H. Miller and Jon Huntsman Sr., who both took on responsibility for a grandchild.
Historically, death, divorce, illness and monetary problems have sent children into their grandparents' homes. Social workers attribute the recent jump in the number of grandparent-headed households — a 34 percent increase over the past decade — to rising substance abuse problems among parents.
"For most of these grandparents, nobody gave them custody; they just stepped in where they saw a need and took charge," Graham said. "They will do anything to keep their grandchildren safe."
Janet and Glen Worthington, 53 and 57, didn't have much time to mull over how bringing Kiley home might change their lives. They got a phone call in the middle of the night.
Tripped up on drugs, the latest boyfriend had assaulted Kiley's mother. The Worthingtons, like most grandparents who find themselves raising their children's children, didn't hesitate. It was a decision, though, that would tax their emotional and financial resources.
Financial difficulties
The Worthingtons have a nice home in Salt Lake City with a big yard for Kiley, now 8, and her 3-year-old sister Serene, who joined the family last month after she was taken from her parents with burned feet and a fractured skull. To maintain their home and feed and clothe the growing girls, Glen Worthington figures he will have to keep working his job as vice president of U.S. Satellite well into his mid-70s. He's crossing his fingers that he'll keep his health long enough to get Kiley and Serene off to college.
"I don't mind working," he said. "It's almost a release from the stress at home."
Not everyone is so well off, however.
"A lot of these grandparents can't afford day care, clothing and food for the children," said Duane Betournay, director of Utah's Division of Child and Family Services. "It's a real hardship to get two, three kids dumped on your doorstep. They take them out of the goodness of their hearts, but it's a real economic hardship."
Many, like Judy Smith, 62, are raising little ones on a fixed income, though she's loath to admit that the children are a burden. Smith and her husband, who live in Tooele, were retired when they took their great-grandchildren Kandis, 4, and Taylor, 6, into their home. Smith got her real estate license hoping to supplement the family's Social Security collections, but because of the economy, hasn't found much work.
"We've had to make sacrifices, yes, but for the children, we've always done that," she said.
Smith gets a couple of hundred dollars a month from the government, but, she says, "It really doesn't put a dent in the expenses."
Government help for kin is substantially less than similar monetary support available to state-registered foster parents. A grandparent raising three children qualifies for just under $500 in government help per month. The state gives a foster parent with three children $1,350.
Only 10 percent of Utah's grandfamilies get government support, according to the Department of Workforce Services.
For some grandparents the financial burden is too much, Betournay said. In the past year, 52 children who the Department of Child and Family Services originally placed with kin were turned over to foster care.
"You know it breaks their hearts," Betournay said. "But they tell us, 'I just couldn't keep up with the costs.' "
Emotional challenge
Caring for these displaced grandbabies, many of whom were neglected or abused, takes more than just money, though. Most children come with emotional baggage and need mental and behavioral therapy, Betournay said.
"A lot of these children have had to fend for themselves," he said. "They've become like feral cats. We've had grandparents assaulted, kids smearing fecal material on the walls and stealing food and hoarding it under the bed."
Smith's great-grandson, Taylor, has a "horrible" fear of darkness and "can't be left alone in a room," Smith said. It reminds him of the days he spent locked in a pitch-black, windowless room while his parents shot up on heroin.
Until she stumbled upon Grandfamilies, a local nonprofit group designed to help grandparents deal with the challenges of raising their grandchildren, though, Smith, like many in her position, didn't have any idea her wards needed mental health care. She confused the boy's fidgety behavior — likely a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder — with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
"Being a grandmother you're overprotective," Smith said. "You think love and hugs can solve everything."
For those whose grandchildren were legally placed in their care, the Department of Child and Family Services provides a case manager who can provide counseling and parenting help. Only 2,608 of the 18,142 grandparents currently raising grandchildren have involved the state, however. Most, citing distrust of the system or a desire for privacy, prefer to take care of business on their own.
"I would spend every dime I have to keep these kids out of the system," Smith said. "You do what you have to do to protect the babies and keep them in the family."
It's more than just the children who are torn apart by their parents' poor decisions.
According to a recent report by the Center for Public Policy and Administration at the University of Utah, grandparents attempting to disentangle their children from the substance-abuse cycle are likely to come away feeling anxious, guilty and depressed.
"It's very noble if your child dies in a car crash and you rush in to save the kids, but how do you tell people, 'My daughter is on drugs and living on the street?' " said Jacci Graham, a licensed clinical social worker and the director of Grandfamilies.
After her grandson went to prison and she took over care of his children, Smith said she couldn't stop obsessing: "What did I do wrong?"
"It's been a hard time for us to realize it wasn't our fault the kids made bad choices," she said. "All I can do now is atone by making it right with the grandkids."
Janet Worthington doesn't blame herself for her son's follies anymore.
"We dealt with that years ago," she said.
For her, the sadness came in a different form.
Her friends were all retiring, traveling and taking cruises. She was at home, balancing her time between helping Kiley with homework and caring for her aging mother.
"It was almost like a grieving process as I realized I was losing that part of my life," she said. "At least right now, I'm not going to have those 'golden years' everyone talks about."
Best for the children
Despite challenges, however, studies show displaced children are best off if they can remain in the care of a family member. Children living with their grandparents are more likely to report feeling loved and less likely to run away than those who are in foster care, according to the Center for Law and Social Policy.
Kiley and Serene have changed the course of Janet Worthington's life, but she can't fathom choosing any other path.
"How could I not take them in?" she asked. "They're my girls."
Kiley Worthington sits comfortably in her grandmother's lap. With abandon, she throws her arms around the older woman's neck and declares, "I love you, Mommy."
That's reason enough for Janet Worthington.
e-mail: estuart@desnews.com
The Children's Service Society provides:
Resources for "grandfamilies"
Information and support classes
Children's groups
Family activities
Advocacy and family mediation
Guardianship assistance
Parenting classes
Crisis counseling
Services are provided free of charge. For more information call 801-326-4409 or visit www.cssutah.org.