A very common phrase I hear from parents is "We don't push him/her." Often, this serves as a red flag to me that they brought the word "push" up in the first place. After working with these young players, I often notice that there is definitely an extra amount of parental pressure on them.
Pushing is another of those terms we use around sports that doesn't have a set meaning. Additionally, what one considers pushing is just considered "encouragement" by another. Harping on kids about their play and effort to the point where kids obviously become angry or disenchanted is pushing. Giving kids the impression that they never perform quite well enough and do not meet your expectations is also a sign of pushing that should be avoided. Tension often develops in the athlete/parent relationship because parents feel like they are "just helping," but kids feel like their parents are trying to run their life.
Communication is often the key to developing strong relationships but over-communicating with kids can be detrimental. Over-communicating involves having kids answer questions that involve their play or questions concerning their desire to play. Questions like "Why did you do that?" and "Do you really want to play?" are hard to answer and often lead to upset kids. Many kids want to establish their independence from mom and dad, especially as they approach their teenage years.
Kids often want to try and do things on their own and this is normal. However, many parents fail to recognize this independence and try to run their child's life in every detail, especially with their sporting activities. Constantly asking kids about their sports performance and questioning their play and effort begins to turn kids off.
Following are other signs that parents may be pushing their athlete without realizing it:
1. Saying threatening or disparaging comments in front of their kids or in front of others when kids are within ear range like, "I am not coming, if you/they are going to play like that" or "I'm not wasting my money, if you/they aren't going to practice" or "it's embarrassing watching you/them out there."
2. Always comparing their child's play to their own when they were a kid.
3. Ignoring young players for a period after games.
4. Wearing athletes down mentally or physically with too much play or practice.
5. Not allowing player's injuries to heal before having them play again.
6. Over scheduling kid's sports activities.
7. Having kids specialize at too young an age before they want to give up another sport.
8. Having kids "have to practice first" before being able to do other things.
9. Only talking about that sport to the child at the exclusion of most other subjects.
10. Continuing to offer suggestions even though the child is obviously upset.
Many of these may seem pretty harmless, but over time they build tension between parents and kids to the point where kids no longer wish to keep playing.
Also, like many things in relationships, there is a fine line between "nudging" an athlete and pushing them. As mentioned, when it appears that a child is getting upset when parents try to help is the sign that parents are getting into the "pushing" area. Communication and discussion of what pushing is between parents is important so parents can recognize when they may be pushing and not just encouraging their kids.
Of course, every child is different and understanding each child's personality and their ability to handle suggestions from parents is also necessary. Some kids look at tips from mom and dad as overbearing while others look at it as helpful, or just mom and dad trying to help.
Jack Perconte played 12 years of professional baseball. After retiring from professional baseball in 1987, Perconte opened a baseball training academy in Naperville, Ill. The hitting drills, mental training and coaching tips found in "The Making of a Hitter" were culled from the 60,000 hitting lessons Perconte estimates he gave while operating the academy. He has also written "Raising an Athlete," and writes for the blog positiveparentinginsports.com.