Being a good dad can be hard.
The task can be even more daunting for single men whose own fathers may have let them down.
This often-neglected segment of the parenting population is the focus of a study by BYU sociologist Renata Forste as part of an ongoing examination of single, low-income fathers who want to be good dads but often don't know how. The study was published in a recent issue of the journal Fathering.
"I think what this study does is give voice to this group of men who want to be good fathers, but they face a lot of challenges," Forste said. "They need support. They want somebody they can talk to to learn how to do things.
"These dads are poor. They're unmarried. Their own fathers commonly were a lesson in what not to do," she said.
A clear theme emerged from in-depth interviews with 36 such single dads: Their relationships with their own fathers determined whether they were likely to succeed or fail in their own parenting ventures.
The men who felt close to their fathers tried to "pass the baton" and be a nurturing parent who balances work and family time.
In contrast to his own father, David, 24, was willing to spend less time at his business to have time for his daughter:
"My father worked probably closer to 14 to 15 hours a day, so we weren't as close as I wanted to be. (My daughter) needs to know who I am; she needs to be a part of my life, therefore I'm not able to dedicate 24 hours a day, seven days a week to my job. I try to spend as much time with her as I can. I try to make the time where I can actually take time off work"
Forste said that the role of fathers has shifted over the past few decades.
"In the 1950s, it was very much the breadwinner role," she said. "But there's been a change since then. Fathering has been expanded more to involve the nurturing role. We were looking at what these men, who don't have wives or financial resources or education, draw on to become fathers."
Jared Gabbitas, of Santaquin, was not involved in the study, which was conducted in an unidentified major Western city. But as a single father who shares custody of his four children, Gabbitas shares many of the same concerns.
Gabbitas spends every weekend with his children, who range in age from 3 to 13. He said being an involved single father can be difficult but it is also rewarding.
"This is my family; this is what I do," Gabbitas said. "I spend time with my kids on the weekend rather than doing the kind of thing many single men do on their days off."
Gabbitas, who works for the Utah County Sheriff's Department in the juvenile court, said his father was a good role model.
"I had a great father. He was a good example and did a lot of things with me, coaching my teams and all," he said. He, in turn, has spent time coaching his own children's teams.
The men in the study who felt distant from their fathers mentioned the breadwinner role, yet they rarely mentioned dads as nurturing parents. Instead they spoke about not wanting to be a bad dad.
Comments they shared with researchers showed how some of the subjects developed their own attitudes toward parenting:
"I am scared of me; I am scared of the cycles. A son will treat his children the way he was treated," said 31-year-old Brian.
"It's pretty clear that their relationship with their own father gets carried over into their relationship with their kids," Forste said.
The dads interviewed for this study had children served by a nonprofit agency. Forste trained two male students who were about the same age as the participating dads in how to conduct interviews in a way that put the dads at ease.
Getting them to open up turned out not to be so hard; across the board, these single men said they enjoyed fatherhood, Forste said. And those who felt they couldn't turn to their father as a role model sought other father figures.
"A lot of them talked about coaches, Scout leaders and fathers of friends," Forste said. "They desperately need positive role models and men in their lives. Anybody who works with youth has an opportunity to make a difference."
Paul, 25, who lived with an alcoholic father, said he found a parenting model in his mother.
"I'd say my mom, probably, just because she was always there. My dad would go and drink, and she'd be the one who had to discipline me and talk to me. My mom was the one who helped me out through everything. When I found out I had a kid, it was my mom I turned to."
Jamal, 30, talked about the positive influence of his high school coach in helping him learn to be a good dad.
"I admired how he was raising his son. He was married, and he always brought his son around, like to the track meets, to football. I could talk to him about anything. Sometimes growing up, sometimes you feel like you can't talk to your stepfather or something like that. You've got your coach right there because that's who you're with a lot. So yeah, he was like a father figure."
Stepfathers, grandparents, uncles and brothers also provided good examples for some of the men in the study. Matt, 34, speaking of his stepfather, said:
"He's held the same job for as long as I've known him, and he's always been there. For most of my life I called him dad. That's who I looked up to."
Most of those participating in the study who had close relationships with their fathers had grown up with their fathers as adolescents, and that was where they learned their commitment to family.
Luis, 20, who lived with his father following his parents' divorce, explained the responsibility he felt at the birth of his own son:
"I just, right away I knew I had a responsibility and it was mine so I wasn't going to deny it or try to forget about it or anything. My dad said, 'You've got a responsibility, you'd better take care of him and you'd better do it the best you can.' Basically he just said, 'Be a man.' "
The dads interviewed in the BYU study also cast the birth of their children in life-altering terms.
"When you have a child, that child is depending on you. You have taken your personal interest and your entertainment goals and your selfish non-responsible goals and you're responsible for another person. You have to put the child first. If you've taken the responsibility of having a child, you have to be responsible for it. There is a bit of selflessness in being a parent. If you have a child and you still think that you're going to have your cake and eat it, too, then you'll be a bad parent," said Brian, 31.
Forste said the study helps in understanding the needs of these men who are defining fatherhood as they go.
"They need better parenting skills. I think this is a group we've neglected," she said. "Single mothers get a lot of support, but I think we tend to not think about the fathers."
E-MAIL: mhaddock@desnews.com