THE SPY NEXT DOOR — ★★ — Jackie Chan, Amber Valletta, Billy Ray Cyrus; rated PG (violence, vulgarity, brief drugs, slurs, mild profanity); in general release
So this is what it's come to for Jackie Chan.
At one time, the Chinese-born actor was one of the biggest action stars on the face of the planet.
As age has caught up with him, he's become less spry and has been forced to play second fiddle to the likes of comic actors Chris Tucker (in the "Rush Hour" movies) and Owen Wilson (in "Shanghai Noon" and its sequel).
However, he's forced to endure new levels of humiliation in "The Spy Next Door," an action-comedy in which he's forced to play second fiddle to bratty youngsters.
This kind of dim-witted material is below him, though at least he gets more of a chance to get into acrobatic action than he did when he was paired with the irksome Tucker.
Chan stars as Bob Ho, a Chinese secret agent on loan to the CIA. He's been working undercover, as a straight-laced pen salesman.
And he's fallen in love with his next-door neighbor, Gillian (Amber Valletta). In fact, he's planning to retire and marry this divorced mother of three.
Unfortunately, there a few of obstacles — not the least of which is that his longtime nemesis, Poldark (Magnus Scheving), has escaped from custody and is seeking revenge.
Worse yet, Gillian's kids — pre-teen Farren (Madeline Carroll), nerdy pathological liar Ian (Will Shadley) and perpetually wired Nora (Alina Foley) — don't like Bob. They think he's too much of a starched-shirt for their mother.
As ridiculous as things get, you can believe that this silliness came from the director of "Are We There Yet?" and the screenwriters of such duds as "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector," "Max Keeble's Big Move" and "See Spot Run."
All of them should have had their rights to cinematic projects taken away long ago.
And any enjoyment we get from the film comes from Chan, who uses pots and pans, ladders, a BMX bicycle and ingenious improvisations to fight his opponents.
He flounders completely when he's forced to fake chemistry with model-turned-actress Valletta ("Gamer"), though. She seems completely uninterested in his character and in giving anything resembling a competent performance.
"The Spy Next Door" is rated PG and features violent action (gunplay, hand-to-hand combat, martial-arts moves, vehicular mayhem, bullying and child-in-peril elements), some slapstick action (pratfalls and the like), crude humor and references (mostly scatological, as well as some mildly suggestive language), brief drug content (medications) and toxic chemicals, derogatory language and slurs, and scattered mild profanity (mostly religiously based). Running time: 91 minutes.
e-mail: jeff@desnews.com