This weekend, political pundits have been making serious predictions about what will happen in the big political year of 2010. Your columnists take this activity to a much higher (some would say lower) level. After all, anyone can predict the future. But to demand what the future should be requires outlandish creativity and incredible silliness — qualities we (especially Frank) possess in abundance.
In that spirit, at the dawn of a spanking new year, we hereby offer newspaper headlines (with subheads) we'd enjoy seeing, just for the fun of it, in the next 12 months:
Herbert gives inspirational speech
Audience notes unusual brevity and passion
Orrin Hatch writes song praising Obama
Senator believes lyrics and tune will modify president's policies
Corroon exhibits charisma in council presentation
Council members consider 10 seconds of personality 'a rare gift' from mayor
Chaffetz offers 'No Comment' to reporters
Media aghast, can't find content to fill empty space in papers and airwaves
Waddoups considers gun control legislation
Senate president believes that armed personnel carriers are not appropriate substitutes for minivans
Pat Jones caught reading Glenn Beck tweets
Senator claims, 'It's all part of focus group research'
Bramble promises quiet, reflective presence in upcoming session
'My true personality will finally reveal itself,' he says
Liberal Democrats accept Matheson as "wayward son"
'He'll get a new, liberal district soon,' say leftists. Then he can 'come home'
Romney to avoid fundraising in Utah for three months
'I think I sucked the place dry,' former governor says
Huckabee to visit Utah and seek forgiveness
'Mormons aren't really devils,' he admits, 'Those protrusions are really just goat horns'
Rare discovery: An LDS adherent who loves fellow member Harry Reid
Stunned members ask, 'Can this person have a testimony?'
Bishop admits to 'schoolboy crush' on Pelosi
Speaker's leftist antics are 'kinda cute,' says congressman
Speaker Clark confesses 'deadly boredom' with health care reform
Worries that one more discussion on actuarial methodology will push him over edge
Demo hopeful uses family legacy as political weapon in Senate race
Granato offers every Utahn a free salami sandwich
Rumors abound about a SLC resident who dislikes Becker
Some doubt existence of mysterious person; others believe it is mayor's predecessor
Conservative caucus admits Bennett is effective senator
Right-wingers seek stimulus earmark to build fence around Utah
Sutherland Institute liberalizes positions on social issues
Conservative think tank acknowledges 1970s are over
MoveOn.org" TARGET="_blank">MoveOn.org, Daily Kos reassessing political activities
Leftist organizations concerned with 'failure to connect with reality'
Buttars hugs gay rights leaders in public
Former foes hold hands and sing 'We Are the World' in Capitol rotunda
Ruzicka plans kissing booth on LDS Plaza
'If there is any public kissing, let them smooch me,' she says
Huntsman resigns China ambassadorship to run for president
'My main qualification is that I speak Chinese,' he says in campaign speech. 'They own us, after all, so we better be able to talk to them'
Hatch announces he won't seek re-election in 2012
'I'm just too dang old,' he says. 'I'm retiring to write Jewish folk songs'
Shurtleff gives up motorcycle riding
'I only have a few teeth left and I need them,' he confides
Legislature balances fiscal 2010 budget
'Sacrifice was required, and we had to shut down some offices, but the governor won't mind operating out of the UDOT maintenance facility,' said leaders
Legislature passes ethics reform
'We capped campaign contributions, reined in lobbyists, and created strict fairness,' said leaders. 'Now every household in Utah must contribute $10 to each legislator, and lobbyists must buy Jazz tickets for every adult'
Pignanelli gives up beer can collection
'It was an activity entirely unbecoming of a lobbyist,' he admits. 'I'm going to make a killing at the aluminum recycler!'
Webb gives up Diet Coke
'It's my near-final step toward perfection in 2010,' he notes. 'I'm now working on prevarication'
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and a Deseret News managing editor. E-mail: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a Utah state tax commissioner. E-mail: frankp@xmission.com.