PROVO, Utah — Conflict is a good thing and necessary in earthly life.
Contention is bad, hurtful and of the devil.
So said a communication expert at BYU Campus Education Week, who added that the secret is to find ways to resolve conflict without it escalating to contentiousness.
Kevin R. Miller, an international leadership and communications consultant and president of Visionbound International, said life would be monotonous without differences and even the Lord said there must needs be opposition in all things.
Miller said opportunities for growth come through working through differences in opinion or style.
He listed some typical styles:
The Hammer, or Archie Bunker style.
The Doormat, or Edith Bunker style.
The Avoider, who looks the other way rather than address the problem.
The Denier, who consistently denies the problem.
The Pollyanna, who maintains that everything is fine.
The Boxer, who likes things mixed up.
The Compromiser, or "Let's Make a Deal" person.
Miller said different situations call for different styles, and people often choose various styles depending on who they are around.
"Utah is filled with Doormats and Avoiders," he said. "New Yorkers tend to be Hammers."
Whatever the style or approach, there are consequences. If a boss is a Hammer, his employees may feel angry and take their feelings out on customers. The Spirit will determine the style needed in a particular situation, Miller said.
If feelings are stuffed down and ignored, the body will react with various ailments and complaints.
"Conflict should be embraced, welcomed," he said. "America was born out of conflict."
Conflict is not contention, which is always negative, and children need to be taught to resolve differences without quarreling or violence.
Miller shared a conflict resolution model, which includes recognizing the feelings, defining the problem, clarifying the expectations, exploring the alternatives and helping with an action plan — based on principles of maintaining self-esteem, focusing on the problem and building constructive relationships.
"You must listen until you feel what they're feeling," he said. "Then you collaborate and find solutions both are happy with."
Compromise is a low form of the win-win scenario, while collaboration satisfies both parties equally.
He urged the men and women in his audience to avoid looking for the gist of the problem and start work on a response before they fully hear the problem.
"There's almost always a deeper issue," he said. "Listen until the other party feels understood."
Then it's important to validate the problem before reaching a resolution.
"All conflict has wonder and potential. That is how Joseph Smith found the gospel," he said. "There was conflict all around him."
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