Angela,
I'm headed home for the holidays and lately the experience has been bitter sweet. I'm a less active member of the church, and I am comfortable with my life decisions, but it is difficult to be home and feel like everyone is disapointed in me. It's not that anything is said directly to me but whenever there is a family prayer or mention of God, I feel like people are looking at me to see how I will react. How can I be home and enjoy their company and our traditions without feeling judged and uncomfortable?
Sincerely,
Michael
Dear Michael,
Throughout my time in undergrad and now young adulthood, I've noticed that it's hard to know what to expect when you go home. Even if you maintain the same religious beliefs as your family members, you're still changing in other ways. Your political preference may change, you have new experiences, you get used to a new set of rules, and it can, at times, feel awkward going home.
While thinking about your question I read this talk by Elder Russel M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve called "Teach Us Tolerance And Love." One of the lines in the talk that stood out to me was, "Cannot boundary lines exist without becoming battle lines?" This quotation highlights the essence of his remarks. Emphasizing the fact that we can be different without fighting; different and still get along; or further still — different, and still love each other with all our hearts.
The truth is, your family probably feels a little uncomfortable too. They love you, and they want you to feel happy at home. They may not be sure what to say or how to act, so it sounds like where religion is concerned everything is a little touchy and you may be misinterpreting their actions, and vice versa.
I would suggest that you read the talk that I mentioned above. Ask yourself sincerely: "Why do I enjoy going home?" "What, recently, do I feel has been missing from my visits?" "What, specifically, is making me feel judged?"
Next, I would suggest speaking to a trusted family member about some of the feelings you have been having. Be honest about your hopes and your fears, and encourage them to do the same.
Following this course will help remind you, and the members of your family that even though things change, each member is (or can be) still committed to the success and harmony of the family unit.
In my family, as we've gotten older and moved away, some are married, some active in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, some are not, we have different goals, different views on politcs, etc., and so when we come home there are kinks that need to be worked out, and that's OK. No family is perfect, but this aforementioned type of communication has helped me when I've felt disconnected in some way, I know it can help you too. Let us know how it goes.
Love,
Angela
Dear Readers: How have you kept your family ties strong when you've moved away? How have you prevented differing views on religion, politcs, parenting, etc., from hurting your family relationships?
Advice columnist Angela Trusty answers questions about a variety of topics, including the Mormon young single adult experience.
Email: askangela.dn@gmail.com
Twitter: angelatrusty