GILLETTE, Wyo. — The morning phone call came as Sage Bear drove home to Gillette from Denver.
You need to pull over, and then I'll tell you what's going on.
Their 18-year-old son, Taylor Bear, three-time state wrestling champion and poised to be Wyoming's 14th four-time champion, had been airlifted to Casper.
"I just didn't feel like he was going to make it, and I told her that," Sage's husband, John, said.
On March 19, 2011, Taylor took his own life in their family home in Gillette.
"It's still a shock to us," John said, with Sage at his side. "We think we know some answers, spiritually, but that's all we have."
One of the first stories John recalls about Taylor came from his son's freshman year.
Taylor had a dream of becoming a four-time state wrestling champion. But that dream nearly ended before it could even begin.
Taylor was on a roll, had lost only two matches all year — both to eventual state champions — when Natrona County came into town for a dual. Taylor was winning his match when he broke two bones in his hand, putting the remainder of his season — and his dream — in jeopardy.
"We were at the hospital that night. He was crying, just upset," John recalled. "I was too. ... I wanted him to have that success."
After talking with Gillette coach Tom Seamans, the Bears decided to seek additional medical opinions. The family made a trip to Vail, Colo., where Taylor had two titanium plates and 13 screws inserted into his broken hand.
He was cleared to wrestle the week before the regional tournament, returned in time to finish the year undefeated in the postseason and won the 103-pound Class 4A title.
"That was the kind of kid he was," John said. "He'd gut it out and do whatever — if he thought there was a chance."
His parents found a letter two weeks after Taylor's memorial service.
It wasn't a suicide note — Taylor did leave one that Tuesday in March. Rather, it was a letter Taylor wrote the previous summer at church camp, in his own hand, addressed to himself. It was a reminder of what he learned, who was at the camp, what they had done. And about one campfire ministry where he bared his pain.
God saved Taylor from suicide a few weeks before the camp, the letter states.
"We were like, 'You contemplated this before?' Why? Why?" Sage asks. "... I think the grades were the straw. But I don't know what was going on in his head."
Taylor wasn't necessarily struggling in the classroom. But John had received a phone call from a teacher the day before Taylor's suicide saying Taylor wasn't passing an ACT prep course. John called Taylor, and, he recalls Taylor's anger.
But there wasn't an argument, there wasn't a falling out. Taylor was preparing to wrestle at the junior national tournament at the end of the month in Virginia Beach, Va. Part of that deal was Taylor had to be passing all of his classes to wrestle at the tournament.
Coming off Taylor's third state title and his 18th birthday, John and Sage had given him more freedom in the two weeks after the state tournament. John said he's not sure if Taylor believed he couldn't save the grade or if he was upset his parents were cutting into his new-found free time.
While the Bears struggled with the realization that Taylor had talked about suicide, the letter offers some answers.
The Bears say the community support — from Gillette, the statewide wrestling community, the high school — has been overwhelming. But the rock is their faith.
The Bears have visited with youth who have attempted suicide or show signs. Sage said the visits have helped, using their loss for good. John said they needed time to heal before they could visit, but they were faced with two choices: Either let it destroy them or use it as a call to faith and to help those in need.
"Kids don't have many answers, and they want answers," John said. "I feel like, because of our (faith), we have answers.
"For those people that don't understand that, it's all kind of weird hocus pocus. And it's hard for them to understand how we can even get up in the morning."
John was working with three junior high wrestlers on the day Taylor took his life. Taylor and Seamans were also working out in preparation for junior nationals. Taylor finished first and asked his dad if he could throw him. Taylor did, and put a crick in John's neck.
"That was the last happy moment," John said.
With Sage out of town, John was tasked with getting the house — a small duplex on the south side of Gillette — in proper order for her return.
John remembered hanging a sign with Philippians 4:13 — "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" —downstairs on Friday night. John found Taylor asleep on the floor by his bed and woke him and got him into bed.
The next morning John left a list of chores and groceries for Taylor and his eldest daughter, Lauren, to complete before he left for work.
"I told him I needed him to fill it out, and he just grunted," John said. "I said, 'Hey, I need a human response.'"
OK Dad.
"And that was the last thing I ever heard ... from him," John said.
Later, Lauren found Taylor in his room after hearing a "pop" and then a gurgling sound. John rushed home from work after Lauren called the paramedics, and then him.
"I came in and just hugged on our daughter and held her, and we prayed and prayed," John said.
John called Sage, whose parents were caravanning with her back to Gillette, and she jumped in a car with her mother. The only news John had at that point was what had happened and that the paramedics had stabilized Taylor.
Sage remembers waiting, dreading the next phone call, the next update. When the doctors told the Bears they couldn't save Taylor, John remembered going into his hospital room.
"It wasn't my boy," he said.
The memories are mixed with the struggle of how Taylor died. John believes Taylor will be remembered for a long time — and for the right reasons.
But "that doesn't bring him back. It doesn't make the pain go away," John said. "It makes you feel good that there was a lot of positive, and that's really all we can draw from that."
John and Sage want their story to shed light on teen suicide, the No. 3 cause of death among American youth and second in Wyoming. Less than a month ago, Gillette was rocked by another suicide. Brandon Sterken, a junior member of the Gillette football team, took his life on Jan. 29.
The Bears came to the Sterkens' side and offered support and help to anyone on both John's and Taylor's Facebook pages.
"It would be detrimental for us to not show that you can survive this," John said, noting that it is simply harder for teenagers to reconcile today's struggles with unknown futures. "I think them seeing us on a somewhat regular basis is good. It's just a matter of overcoming the pain ourselves. And it is becoming less."
The Bears will attend the Wyoming State High School Wrestling Championships, which begin today at the Casper Events Center. They don't believe anything is planned to remember their son, and they don't want it.
The wrestling team doesn't dwell on Taylor's death. But his memory is not lost as the Camels begin their quest for a 10th consecutive team title.
"As far as Taylor, he's not forgotten," Seamans said. "Those of us who were close to him, loved him, we carry that around all the time."
As for the Bears, they'll continue, as John said, to fight the good fight, making as much sense of their tragedy as one could.
"We're still shocked by this, that people consider us to be strong in the way we've responded," John said. "We feel like we're very weak, and I think we are."
Strength in their faith may be the only answer they find. And that may be enough.
Information from: Casper Star-Tribune - Casper, http://www.trib.com