The New York Times recently spoke to an Italian couple — a woman and a priest — who fell in love, putting the man in a situation where he "could lose everything" if their secret got out.
That's because Catholic priests must commit to a vow of celibacy.
The woman, too, has faced struggles. Since she’s defying “Roman Catholic Church taboo,” as the Times puts it, her peers and colleagues have scrutinized her.
“Some people see me as a devil, something dirty,” the woman said to the Times. She said her colleagues and friends would tell her how wrong she was in making a priest defy the church in search of love.
But the priest and the Italian woman have decided to make things work, despite the forces that are against them. So what have they done to cope with this situation — and what should you do when faced with a similar experience?
Here are some things to take into consideration from the Times’ story that may help you if you’re faced with an equally complicated, or taboo, relationship.
People will talk about your relationship
Both the priest and the Italian woman faced criticism from their peers, and that’s something that can happen to you. According to a study cited by Daily Mail, both men (10 percent) and women (4 percent) gossip about other people — with about 20 percent of people spending three hours a day doing it.
Family feuds and relationships are one of the top topics among gossipers, too, the study found. So your colleagues and office mates are bound to discuss your romantic relationship.
“It’s almost always hurtful,” Steve Albrecht of Psychology Today wrote. “It helps create cliques, divisions and the silent treatment. It can ruin friendships, relationships and marriages. It hurts your personal and professional reputation if you are labeled a gossip.”
Some might say to shake off the haters, but Albrecht said that too much hostility when confronting gossipers, especially in the office, can destroy relationships with colleagues and friends.
New studies also show that gossip can actually help people understand their social environment better — making it easier for you and your forbidden love to understand the world and culture that may disapprove of your coupledom.
You’re not the only one going through this scenario
The New York Times article said there are people in situations similar to the priest's and Italian woman's. That’s something you can take to heart — you’re not alone in the way you feel.
Catholic priests, for example, have created support groups for each other when they fall in love with someone they can’t be with, seen here at Married Priests. The priests hope to convince Pope Francis to change the Catholic Church’s stance on letting priests get married. In other religions, bishops and pastors are permitted to marry.
Similarly, women have also tried to get the church to change its stance on letting priests get married. Daily Mail reported that 26 women “live in silence” since they can’t reveal the love they have for priests.
In your forbidden love scenario, try connecting with others online who are experiencing similar issues. Friends and family who disapprove of the one you love is no new concept, so there are plenty of tips and helpful strategies on how to handle the situation, written exclusively by both experts and those who have faced similar scenarios.
Make sure to talk with your loved one about your relationship
Both the priest and the Italian woman were aware of their difficult relationship, and they constantly spoke to each other about what they could do to better things.
That’s something couples often struggle with, especially in the early stages. According to eHarmony, romantic partners often find complications when defining their relationship with each other. They'll often speak too much from the heart without thinking about the situation logically, or they'll think their solution is the only way to go about things.
Sometimes these conversations can break the relationship altogether. According to a separate eHarmony article, conversations between couples can rend relationships dry, especially when one partner doesn’t feel as strongly as the other. Conversations get feelings out in the open, but there’s always a potential risk of being too candid, or not enough, that you need to be aware of.
However, it's still an important task, especially for couples who may not have the full support of their family and friends behind them, to make sure they're both on the same page about their relationship and the possible benefits or consequences.
“Defining a relationship is a natural and necessary part of moving forward in a relationship — or deciding not to,” according to eHarmony. “Sensitivity, understanding and proper timing will make your talk productive.”
You can’t plan who you’re going to love
You never know who you’re going to fall for. The priest and the Italian woman didn’t plan on their relationship becoming something more, but it happened.
Same goes for you in your relationship endeavors.
Take the case of this Brazilian woman whose family didn't approve of her fiance, as reported on by The Huffington Post. The man she loves is not only Catholic, when the majority of her family members have married those that adhere to the Jewish faith, but he's also 12 years younger than she is.
When Pastor Rob Bell heard of the news, he told the woman that she couldn’t let her potential husband go. He said you can’t always plan for love, and when it comes unexpectedly, you have to take advantage of it.
"It sounds to me like you have lived a lot," Bell said, according to HuffPost. "And this person has come into your life and it's extraordinary. So you probably ought to marry him."
... But that doesn't always mean you should be with that person.
The Times reported that the Italian couple has faced tremendous pressure from family members and friends to end their relationship. Their families have disapproved of the relationship overall, and their friends have looked at their commitment to eachother with much "disdain," the article said.
Though your first inclination may be to shake off the haters, or perhaps listen to them with more understanding, you may want to actually heed their advice — especially if they’re family.
According to a study cited by Time magazine, parents may disapprove of the person you love because of their parental instincts to sense harm and protect their children, especially in the long term. This may make your parents and family members more likely to disapprove of who you love than you would be, according to the study.
Since parents are more cautious about who you date, they may see flaws that you don’t, the study said.
“Defying parents when it comes to choosing mates isn’t just a matter of the heart — or of misbehavior — but one of genes and survival.”
Email: hscribner@deseretdigital.com, Twitter: @herbscribner