If you've ever wondered why assembling an easy chair with your spouse isn't so easy, you're not alone.
The psychology of why couples argue during the assembly of an IKEA bookshelf can be as complex and diverse as the spouses who engage in these verbal scuffles. But as a general rule, these arguments often come down to a simple truth: The bookshelf has very little to do with it.
"Little things like putting a set of shelves together will bring up some ancient history with the partners,” Don Ferguson, psychologist and relationship therapist, told Quartz. “Do you trust me? Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have no skills? Do you wish your old boyfriend was here doing this?"
According to an Esure study from 2011 the most frequent arguments couples report each year are when one spouse doesn't listen to the other, one spouse overspends money or there is an imbalance of housework duties. But even the most frequent arguments couples engage in tend to involve deeper unmet needs.
"Couples don't fight about what they think they fight about," wrote Steven Stosny in Psychology Today. "It's not 'the big five' they identify in surveys: money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws or house-work. Lovers fight when they believe their partners don't care about how they feel. They fight about the pain of disconnection."
Even if the "pain of disconnection" is something neither spouse is familiar with, there are still ways that married couples can address and resolve conflicts in order to keep them from festering and showing up at the most inopportune times — like during the bookcase assembly process.
Though there are a number of lists and how-to guides to explore when it comes to marital conflict resolution, Willard Harley Jr. says you can't trust your argument skills to your instincts — you need a plan.
"The idea that spouses should create a plan to become experts at meeting each other's most important emotional needs, whether or not there is 'interest' in meeting those needs, seems to go against marital intuition," he wrote. "These instincts not only fail to provide them with long-term solutions, but they also destroy the feeling of love. Because couples don't know any better, they keep using demands, disrespect and anger to try to resolve their marital conflicts until their love for each other turns into hate."
For long-term conflict resolution, Harley suggests starting the process by first committing to the plan as a couple, identifying bad habits and then creating a plan that eliminates the bad habits.
As for successfully assembling the IKEA bookshelf as a couple, here are a couple strategies the experts suggested to Quartz: Assigning responsibility rather than blame, taking breaks or, in case of a real relationship emergency, don't assemble things together.
Email: nsorensen@deseretnews.com
Twitter: sorensenate