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This story is sponsored by Renaissance Ranch. Learn more about Renaissance Ranch.
When a loved one suffers from addiction, it hurts the whole family, particularly those closest to them.
Watching your spouse lose control of his or her life is much like watching him or her walk directly into oncoming traffic. You know what will happen should they continue on their path, and you know they need help.
Perhaps you have stepped in before, rescuing your loved one from his or her self-destruction, causing you to feel good about your ability to help. Maybe your efforts to stop your loved one from being “hit by the train” have succeeded many times over, and you feel like without you, he or she would not be alive.
And perhaps, to some extent, you are right.
Had you not intervened, your loved one might not be alive today. That thought alone gives you a sense of pride and purpose. As difficult as living with an addict is, it feels good to be needed.
But, have you ever stopped to think that perhaps your constant aid and rescue is having a negative effect on your spouse’s sobriety? It’s a fine line to go from helping to enabling. It is known as codependency.
So, what is codependency?
Codependency happens when one has an emotional or psychological reliance on a spouse or family member, letting that person’s behavior affect him or her — even becoming obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. Often labeled as a “fixer,” the codependent spouse places the needs of his or her struggling loved one over their needs, doing almost anything to keep a relationship alive, even if that relationship is unhealthy.
Someone with codependent behaviors will feel responsible for other people and their feelings. They will feel anxiety, pity and guilt when other people have a problem, and even feel compelled — almost forced — to help that person solve the problem. Codependent persons often have a desperate need to please others, will show feelings of perfectionism with an overwhelming need for control and will often have an underlying fear of rejection.
While your efforts may seem noble to you, they may very well be in vain.
Yes, your spouse does need you, but not the way you think.
What can you do instead?
While solely relying on you to overcome addiction is not a healthy or even an effective way to do so, you can still be of help to your spouse.
First things first, admit your loved one into a residential treatment center. Doing so is the first step to full recovery from their addiction.
However, with your codependency, you may find that it’s hard to let go of someone who had been reliant on you. Much like your loved one who goes through withdrawals when apart from the drug, you too may begin to have similar feelings when letting go of your loved one for a time. Fortunately for you, many residential treatment centers also take into account the effect addiction has on the whole family by offering programs and family counseling to treat things like codependency and other related issues.
Renaissance Ranch offers support groups for codependent people to find purpose beyond their loved one's addiction. With the right help, you and your loved one can work on recovering and rebuilding your lives back up.