Several years ago, we began reading the personal stories of committed Latter-day Saints who experience same-sex attraction. Before then, we had been grateful that resources like "Voice(s) of Hope" were available, but did not think they were relevant for us. To be candid, we were, in some respects, like the priest and the Levite in the parable of the Good Samaritan who “passed by on the other side.”
Eventually, we felt that if we were going to advocate for public policies consistent with our religious beliefs, we ought to know more about the lives of those who “practiced” what we “preached.” So we began reading about and then befriended scores of men and women who experience same-sex attraction but choose not to pursue same-sex relationships because they believe that sexual relations should be reserved only for man-woman marriage. What we witnessed profoundly changed us. Not so much in what we thought, but in how we felt. And that changed how we wrote and how we spoke. We became more compassionate about their life experiences and more confident in the need to share their stories.
With the recent update of the “Mormon and Gay” website, now an official part of lds.org, there are even more resources to understand the intersection between same-sex attraction and religious belief and practice. The revised website provides an invaluable window into the lives and families of Latter-day Saints who are reconciling their faith with their feelings of attraction. For religious believers who, increasingly, must explain their faith’s teachings on marriage, family and sexuality, the website is a significant resource.
In an interview with CNN, Elder Von G. Keetch, executive director of Church Public Affairs, explains the powerful impact of personal stories. “I thought I understood these issues pretty well,” Elder Keetch told CNN, “and then I was reminded … that you don’t understand the issue until you understand the individual people that are working through it.”
For us, these personal stories dispel two assumptions that we hear often.
First, we have often heard that if individuals with same-sex attractions exercised more faith their attractions would necessarily diminish and even vanish. Read or watch the stories at “Mormon and Gay,” however, and you’ll see something quite different. Rather than focus on a change in attractions, these men and women focus on a change of heart. They are not choosing to abide by LDS teachings because they felt their attractions change, but because they felt profound spiritual changes. In particular, they each attest to feeling God’s love for them. Their experiences could be described as a change in spiritual orientation rather than a change in sexual orientation. The updated website counsels:
"The intensity of same-sex attraction is not a measure of … faithfulness. Many people pray for years and do all they can to be obedient in an effort to reduce same-sex attraction, yet find they are still attracted to the same sex. … For some, feelings of same-sex attraction, or at least the intensity of those feelings, may diminish over time. In any case, a change in attraction should not be expected or demanded as an outcome by parents or leaders."
Second, we have also often heard that the only hope of true happiness for those attracted to the same sex is to pursue same-sex relationships. But that’s not the reality for those who’ve shared their stories at “Mormon and Gay” or “Voice(s) of Hope.”
Josh found “aspects of joy and peace” in a single, celibate life that he “didn’t feel while in … gay relationships.” Jessyca, who had felt conflicted about her attractions, eventually received “sacred and spiritual experiences that have changed my life forever.” In a special answer to one of her prayers, she “felt an overwhelming peace come over me as God spoke to me.” She realized then, “I could not only manage life but also thrive.”
For Ricardo, a married father of six, the “dynamics” of his marriage changed when he opened up about his same-sex attractions. Now that he recognizes “nothing is broken or defective or needs to be fixed,” Ricardo sees himself “for who I am, a son of God.” Rather than threaten his marriage, his newfound authenticity has brought him closer to his wife, “the love of my life.”
How can someone attracted to the same sex be happily married to an opposite-sex spouse?
Laurie, a married mother of three, offers one explanation: “The gospel has not made me attracted to men. But it has helped me be attracted to one man.” While Laurie’s experience might not be the same for everyone, she is also not alone.
In a time when religious institutions are accused of discrimination for teaching that sexual relations should be reserved only for man-woman marriage, the voices of “gay Mormons” and other same-sex attracted religious believers are more important than ever.
Jenet Erickson is a former assistant professor at Brigham Young University. Michael Erickson is an attorney in Salt Lake City.