Presidential politics, a Legislature in session, local campaigns heating up and burning social issues have all combined to raise the temperature of public rhetoric, reduce real listening and upend rational thinking. As the 2016 election cycle begins in earnest we would be wise to remember the old axiom, “Speak in anger and you will deliver the greatest speech you will ever live to … regret.”
Many have come to believe that silence is weakness, that calmness is cowardly and that you must engage in a tit-for-tat exchange of point and counterpoint, claim and counterclaim to compete and survive in the 21st century. We would do well in all our personal interactions, whether in the public-square or within our personal circles, to focus on desired outcomes instead of emotional outbursts and come to people with questions instead of accusations.
The airwaves and social media sites today are filled with pundits, experts and even those we call “friends” who constantly badger or bombastically blow up anyone who might disagree with their point of view. While this might be entertaining talk radio, night-time television or Twitter banter, it has produced a horrible precedent and pattern for dealing with the only thing that matters in the end — our relationships with people.
We all know that if an unwanted fire breaks out in our home the last thing we want to do is throw gasoline on it. Yet far too many of us cannot resist the urge to throw our last bit of emotional fuel on the interpersonal fire, then spar, thrust-and-parry and go back-and-forth, often long after the source of the problem has been completely consumed.
Usually it is the preservation of ego that keeps us engaged in verbal combat. We somehow have come to believe that having the last word will win the day. Learning to “check your ego at the door” and determine what truly matters most is key not only to successful relationships and interactions, but to our own happiness and peace of mind. It is also important to remember that the solution to any problem actually begins when someone says, “Lets talk about it,” or asks, “What do you think?” And is then willing to engage in real listening and deeper dialogue.
Whether speaking to someone live or going back-and-forth in email, texts or tweets, you must ask yourself if the messages you are about to speak or send are going to move the conversation, and more importantly, the relationship, forward or whether they will simply fuel more anger and angst. Winning a verbal battle at the expense of losing a war for a relationship is never wise.
It has been said that General Robert E. Lee was once asked his view of a man he had had many public disagreements with. Lee reportedly responded that the man was a good, just man, who he happened to disagree with greatly. The questioner then stated that the man in question did not hold such a respectful view of the general and often expressed that negative opinion to others publicly. To which General Lee replied, “You asked me my opinion of him, not my view of his view of me. My view is the only one over which I have control.” The way you communicate with those you disagree with speaks volumes about who you are as a person. Petty, personal attacks never produce positive results and often keep us a safe distance from real solutions.
All this is not to suggest in any way that we should retreat from public debate, not stand on principle or become obsessed with political correctness. America is always at its best when we are the country of big ideas — especially when those ideas cause us to have open, passionate and challenging disagreements and debate. We can disagree without being disagreeable, we can have uncomfortable conversations about difficult issues and we can communicate in ways that elevate ideas and promote the best intentions of everyone.
Beware of your emotions and your ego, especially in the highly volatile arenas of politics, public policy and interpersonal communication. Silence can be strength, a kind word can carry a conversation, stepping away can be the best step forward. Words have weight and their impact is immense — so choose them wisely. When it comes to the war of words, text tirades or social media rants — whenever in doubt — don’t!
Boyd Matheson is a political and business strategist. He served as chief of staff to U.S. Sen. Mike Lee and has consulted executives and organizations around the world on branding, messaging, leadership and what it takes to create sustainable movements.