When it comes to raising teenagers, parents have a lot of worries — especially about risky behaviors like drinking and drugs, sexual activity or texting while driving. As a result, many parents focus on discouraging undesirable behaviors.
But when a researcher at Brigham Young University looked at families with kids who flourish, she found a big difference between avoiding bad behaviors and actually cultivating positive ones. Laura Padilla-Walker, associate professor and associate director of the BYU School of Family Life, said that "not being bad isn't good enough."
"I hope that parents will realize that fostering positive behaviors not only leads to those desirable behaviors, but also protects against negative behaviors. A lot of attention is given to risky behaviors, and rightfully so, but most teens are doing quite well — so focusing on positive outcomes can help to set children on a path of flourishing," she said.
In an upcoming Family Studies Center research brief that uses data from the decade-long Flourishing Families Study of 500 families in the Northwest, Padilla-Walker identified four strengths that form a foundation for future success for teens: self-control, self-esteem, values and empathy. Parents and other adults can play a significant role in helping children develop those traits.
What "flourishing" means
In the brief, Padilla-Walker, co-author of the 2015 book "Prosocial Development: A Multidimensional Approach," defines five characteristics parents and others can help kids develop that lead them to thrive: competence, confidence, connection, character and caring. Kids with those flourish, while those who lack them may flounder.
"Self-control is foundational for all aspects of flourishing," she said. "It’s very difficult to do the types of things that can build confidence if children don’t have foundational levels of behavioral, emotional and cognitive self-control. This doesn’t mean they need to be perfect, but, for example, learning to set long-term goals (cognitive self-control) can also help raise self-esteem as children set goals to do better in school or to excel at sports."
The research brief notes that teen and young adult years are at a time "when many decisions that have lifelong consequences are made, it is especially important to consider self-control during these years." Self-control is a trait developed mainly in the brain's frontal lobe, a part of the brain that is still under construction until roughly age 25, so there are apt to be lapses in self-control for that reason as teens and young adults mature.
Without self-control, Padilla-Walker said, it's hard to build self-esteem and strong values or to develop empathy. "I think all of the other traits are important, without one being more important than the other. It depends on the goals of the parents."
Being an example
Many teenagers in Marin County, California, drink and party, said Jeffrey Leiken, CEO of Evolution Mentoring International and author of "Adolescence Is Not a Disease: Beyond Drinking, Drugs and Dangerous Friends — The Journey to Adulthood," who lives and practices there. Leiken has a master's degree in educational counseling. He was not involved in the BYU research.
He mentors many youths who don't abuse substances at all. Some of the others no longer do. "At what I would consider a very young age, 18 or 20, they already have identified the concepts they want to live with" and are making good choices, he said.
His work often parallels Padilla-Walker's research findings: He helps kids identify strengths and interests and build on talents and values. They develop self-control and confidence both in their strengths and in their ability to make good decisions and in how to navigate relationships, even with difficult people. They have goals, a sense of right and wrong and important connections with others.
He said if parents pressure kids to do well in school, but ignore other aspects of doing well, "those kids tend to by default become like peers who work hard but also play hard. I find that parents who have clear values and are very strong and congruent about how they live, who are in general positive, tend to have positive impact" on children. Kids who thrive also have parents who communicate in understandable, age-appropriate ways. And they listen. A child "who feels heard is more likely to keep talking to me and I can mentor to his stage of maturity. Parents who can do that tend to have teens that feel more like a grown up and therefore don't need to do things because they're insecure," he said.
One youthful client told him that his uncle and dad used to sit at the table after dinner and "have intense discussions about what's going on in the world." He listened and admired their thoughtfulness and intelligence. "This is how I want to be," the youth said.
That kind of modeling matters, he said. Living a good value system in front of children "sends a powerful message."
Helping them grow
Parents and programs can encourage positive youth development, Padilla-Walker wrote. The brief offers concrete suggestions:
— For self-control, kids need to be allowed to struggle a bit, to learn to problem solve and cope with frustration. Fathers are important role models for this. Children also need a chance to help others. If they lose self-control, they need a chance to discuss better ways to handle things.
— Allowing autonomy, avoiding meaningless praise and not being overly critical are ways parents can help children develop self-esteem.
— To foster values, model good behavior. Be consistent and clearly convey values. Kids and teens are more likely to embrace those values when they don't feel forced, when they feel respected and treated fairly and when they understand why a value is important.
— Empathy makes kids want to do things to help others, from sharing to volunteering. That encourages good behavior.
To help kids be caring and helpful, tips include encouraging bickering siblings to understand each other's feelings, talking about different behaviors they see in movies, on TV or in books and letting kids serve and help others. Again, role models matters.
"We encourage parents not to settle for children only avoiding 'bad behavior,' but instead to help children be on a genuinely good path — a path that will ultimately lead to long-term flourishing," the brief said.
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