Do you kiss your kids on the lips?
This question is the latest in mommy internet shaming after Victoria Beckham posted a picture of herself giving her daughter a lip smooch.
The internet users responded as they always do by picking sides and declaring lip-kissing of children either disgustingly sexual and inappropriate or so amazingly awesome that every parent should do it.
As a lip-kisser myself, I had no problem with the photo. What I do have a problem with is the tiresome judgmental response to every parenting choice. Breastfeed or formula? Home school or public? Circumcised or natural? And now, cheek or lips?
Why do we feel the need to judge other parents? What is it in our society that makes us feel justified in throwing stones at the way other people raise their children down to the minutiae of how we kiss our kids?
I think the answer lies somewhere in the fact that as parents, we want to do right by our kids. We want to be good parents. We want to raise successful, happy children who will one day thank us for our good choices and wise parenting.
And so, to validate our own parenting, we turn on anyone who parents differently. We judge others who make different choices so we feel better about our own. We judge everyone for everything. We comment, we post, we link, we discuss. We shame. Because deep down, we need to know we are right.
Because if we parent the right way, we think nothing bad can happen to our kids. If we make all the right choices, feed them all the right foods and kiss them in just the right way, then our kids will also turn out right. We cast blame and shame on other parents and then pat ourselves on the back, reassured that since we are doing everything “right” our child will be safe from gorillas and alligators or whatever else is the top headline in parent shaming that week.
The fact that this week’s headline is lip-kissing shows just how far we’ve taken this need to be right and for anyone different to be wrong.
The truth is no child or parent is immune from the ups and downs of life. No amount of parental correctness can guarantee a child’s success or happiness. We are all doing our best, hoping that our efforts are somehow enough.
No kid is going to have permanent damage because her mom did or did not kiss her on the lips. The real damage comes from growing up in a society where people judge each other relentlessly, determined to prove their point by demeaning or harassing anyone who thinks or lives or chooses differently.
In the end, that attitude will do far more damage to our children than the minutiae of parenting that too often captures the spotlight.
Erin Stewart is a regular blogger for Deseret News. From stretch marks to the latest news for moms, she discusses it all while her 9-year-old and 5-year-old daughters dive-bomb off the couch behind her.