I wish more people would tell my daughters they are smart.
From the time my girls were little, strangers and friends would often compliment them on their attractiveness, their good behavior or their kindness.
Those are wonderful qualities, too, but I noticed that the boys in my extended family often received vastly different feedback. He’s so clever. He’s fearless. He’s so smart.
It got to the point when strangers would say to my daughters, “Oh, isn’t she pretty?” I would say something like, “Yes, and she is really good at math.” I knew it sounded ridiculous and maybe even a little rude, but I worried that my girls would base their self-image and worth on something as fickle and fleeting as physical appearance.
Well, according to a recent study referenced in a CNN article titled "Girls feel less 'smart' than boys by age 6, research says," I was on to something. By the time girls are 6, they are less likely than boys to think members of their gender can be brilliant, researchers found. Girls at this age are also more likely to avoid activities requiring intelligence. That’s a huge shift from just a year before, when 5-year-old girls are just as likely as boys to think their gender can be intellectually advanced.
This is not OK.
We start sending this message to girls at such a young age, beginning with the toys, book and clothes we give girls. Earlier this year, Today.com featured an 8-year-old girl who posted a picture of herself by two racks of clothes in a store to show the gender bias. In the boys’ section, the shirts said “Hero” and “Think Outside the Box.” In the girls’ section, the shirts said “Beautiful” and “I Feel Fabulous.”
How sad that even the clothing we buy our kids could be subtly crippling our daughters. My favorite pair of pajamas that my oldest daughter wears all the time is one that says “Math is Sweet” and is decorated with math symbols for long division and multiplication. Of course, the shirt has a picture that shows this tricky equation: baby monster + baby monster = cupcake divided by hearts. But hey, at least it’s math.
My 6-year-old wears unicorn pajamas because she believes she is one. That’s OK, too. The point is I want my daughters to follow their dreams, not some twisted version of what girls’ dreams should be according to everyone from their teachers to clothing manufacturers.
Currently, both of my daughters want to be scientists. Well, to be completely accurate, my 9-year-old wants to be a scientist mom who also bakes bread, and my 6-year-old wants to be a scientist/unicorn.
I’m sure my daughters’ dreams of what they will be will change through the years (although I’m really pulling that this unicorn thing works out), but I hope it’s because they fine-tune their dreams, not scrap them for what is supposedly “normal” for girls.
To help them, I follow a few simple rules:
1. Steer clear of gender stereotypes at all, but especially those that make intelligence seem like a boy thing. Discuss this with anyone who continually makes gender-biased comments such as family members, teachers or youth leaders.
2. Never, ever say things like, “Oh, well, boys are just better at math.” Someone actually said this to my daughter one time, and I almost went full Kung-Fu Panda on her.
3. Be wary of subtle messages in TV shows and in books that show boys being book smart and girls being, well, just plain stupid.
4. Don’t be afraid to put girls in clubs and activities whose participants are traditionally boys.
5. Surround your daughters with other girls and mothers who believe girls can be just as smart and just as successful in any subject. More and more women are catching the vision of breaking the gender norms. Just look at companies such as Princess Awesome, which makes dresses and hair accessories for girls decorated with rockets, trains, Pi symbols and atoms.
And most importantly, don’t believe the lie. Don’t believe that fields such as science, math and engineering are traditionally dominated my men because women can’t compete. Instead, believe that our girls could break into any field they want tomorrow if our society’s gender norms would just get out of the way today.
I hope my daughters believe in that idea — and in themselves — as much as I do.