I have been raised in a strong LDS family and taught the importance of personal prayer from the time I could talk. I have always believed in a loving Heavenly Father who hears and answers me and have mostly had positive experiences with prayer, in that I will get a peaceful feeling or a “burning in the bosom” sensation when something is right, and a sick feeling or stupor of thought when something is wrong. Up until recently, I have always believed that Heavenly Father will answer my prayers, especially if they are fervent and full of faith.
But over the last few months, I have wrestled with a particularly difficult issue that I have felt I needed help on, and I have received nothing. No feeling of warm reassurance or sickness. No clear direction of what I should do. I have felt totally lost and alone and frustrated about why I wasn’t getting an answer.
I had taken all the “right” steps to receive an answer: fasting, pondering, visiting the temple and even meeting with my bishop in my ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Still, I had no clear direction either way. I would think about doing one thing and could see my life playing out with that decision. Then I would picture what my life would be like if I chose something different, and I could see that working out, too. I felt stuck.
Finally, after many tearful nights and deep discussions, my husband and I decided on a path we felt was best for us. Logically it made the most sense, and it was what we both wanted. We didn’t get the overwhelming “do this” feeling we were hoping for, but what we felt most was the weight of agency resting on our shoulders. It was our choice.
One night I was reading my patriarchal blessing and came across a scripture about agency. It’s in the Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-28: “It is not meet that I should command in all things; … Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.”
"The power is in them." People have the power to bring about goodness in their lives and in the lives of others. When they are living righteously and doing all that they can to stay close to the Spirit, they will have that power to make vitally important choices and to make them correctly and in alignment with the Lord’s will. I believe he lets his children decide so much of what they do here because learning from those good — and bad — choices is the best way to teach how to do better in the future.
A few days after we had made our decision and were preparing to move forward, I came across a talk by the late Elder Richard G. Scott, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, titled, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer” (April 2007 general conference). He said:
“What do you do when you have prepared carefully, have prayed fervently, waited a reasonable time for a response, and still do not feel an answer? You may want to express thanks when that occurs, for it is an evidence of his trust. When you are living worthily and your choice is consistent with the Savior’s teachings and you need to act, proceed with trust … God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision.”
Peace and gratitude filled my heart. I felt terrible for getting frustrated and upset and then felt humbled that Heavenly Father knew I would make the best choice.
Too often I have made the mistake mentioned by Elder D. Todd Christofferson, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, in his talk “As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten” (April 2011 general conference) and have looked to Heavenly Father almost as a sort of “butler who meets (my) needs when summoned.”
I am grateful for this leap-of-faith experience, which has taught me to trust my Heavenly Father’s trust in me.