Patrick Mahomes agreed to a new deal, worth up to a reported $503 million on a 10-year contract extension with the Kansas City Chiefs this week. Spending that money will be a big job, but somebody’s got to do it. Let’s give him a hand and spend it for him. Or try. This won’t be easy.
If we had half a billion dollars — it’s easier to deal with round numbers — we could buy 50 private jets — the Learjet 75 Liberty seats nine. The brochure notes, “Reading lights and side ledges with recessed cup holders.” It’s amazing what $10 million will buy.
We could buy 277 Zenvo ST1 sports cars, which boast a 1,104 horsepower engine and 1,054 pound feet of torque (cost: $1.8 million each). I don’t know what “torque” is, but apparently it’s a good thing. The Danish sports car has a top speed of 233 miles per hour. Good luck finding one; according to Road and Track, only 15 of the original models were made.
We could build 5½ Delta Centers — or whatever it is they call it these days — and use it as a private gym. The original cost was $93 million, so we could build several of them.
We could buy the Boston mansion formerly owned by Tom Brady — 14½ of them.
We could buy 8,333 Samsung Q900-98 class big-screen TVs, an electronics wonder that is so real the characters walk right out of the screen into your family room and introduce themselves.
We could buy 1,730 Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari wristwatches. For $289,000 you’d think it was a self-winding watch, but, no, you hand-wind it. But it is water resistant down to 30 meters, which is handy if you’re a scuba diver or have a very deep swimming pool. Mahomes wore a Rolex to the Super Bowl parade, but, worth a mere $47,000 per MSN, it shouldn’t even be allowed to grace his wrist.
— We could pay the salaries of all of Mahomes’ teammates for the upcoming season and the next one after that and most of the next one.
— We could buy 87,719 hand-tailored Brunico suits with a fully lined, two-button jacket and matching trousers lined at the waist for “comfort and wearability” (they also feature one “stitched dart” — whatever that is — and side pockets for coins). Price: $5,700 per, all of them “essential gray.”
We could buy 200,000 pairs of Santoni Lace-Up Dress Shoes. Cost: $2,500 each.
To complete our sartorial needs, we could shop Nieman Marcus and buy 384,615 pairs of Balmain-brand “Destroyed Slim-Fit Moto Jeans,” which are riddled with holes and tears and look like they either survived a bomb blast or were sacked hundreds of times by the Baltimore Ravens. Cost: $1,300 each.
To wear with our new ripped up jeans, we could buy 418,410 pairs of Dolce & Gabbana men’s graffiti Portofino jeweled, low-top sneakers, at $1,195 per. The graffiti on the sides and tops of the sneakers contain deep thoughts such as, “More, more and more,” “Sorry, I’m the best,” “No way,” and “Just pizza.” Word.
We could buy a luxury yacht. How about the one owned by the estate of the late Microsoft co-founder, Paul Allen. It’s longer than a football field, at 414 feet. According to Business Insider, the yacht has 41 suites and includes a pool, two helicopters, a basketball court, a recording studio and a movie theater. It hit the market at $325 million late last year and originally cost $200 million to build.
Just for fun — and just because we can — let’s also splurge on Allen’s private submarine. What’s another $12 million? It’s 40 feet long and can stay underwater for a week, which seems like a good place to be considering the pandemic and all. You probably don’t even have to practice social distancing with the other submarines down there.
For the man who has everything, we could buy a private island. Or several of them. Let’s buy one in the Mediterranean — Agria Trias is a bargain at $28 million and includes the main house, beach houses, a house for the staff, fruit trees and even a church — one in the Caribbean — Ronde Island, Grenada, is 2,000 acres of paradise, at a cost of $100 million — and one in the South Pacific — Rangya Island, Thailand, which includes 110 acres, fresh water, an electric generator for $160 million. We still have money left over for the yacht.
We could buy … a town. Actress Kim Basinger was one of several investors who did just that, plunking down $20 million to buy most of the 2,000 acres that made up Braselton, Georgia. We could buy 25 Braseltons.
We could buy 2,000 tickets for a private flight into space — enough for family, friends and teammates. No such flights have happened yet, but three companies say they are closing in on making them a reality. The cost to fly Virgin Galactic would be $250,000 per passenger, but the good news is there’s no baggage fee and the price does include a stay at the International Space station. And it does offer a beverage service.
We could buy 2,800 24-carat gold-plated toilets, enough to stock our house and our islands.
Speaking of which, we could buy 27,964,205 packages of Charmin Ultra Soft 18-pack toilet paper at Walmart, which would give us a total of 503,355,690 “mega rolls” of TP. As we discovered during the pandemic, you can never have too much.