Midterm elections are over, and political pundits are asking, “Who will run in 2024?”
Of course, each party’s rising stars are giving knowing winks and sly nods to the press — “I’m not saying I’m not running” they say.
It is well known that to become president, you need a lot of money. You also need to know powerful people, you have to be in the good graces of the all-powerful dairy lobbyists and so far, you have to be a man.
But there are dark horse candidates in every race, and the Constitution lists only three qualifications for the presidency — you must be older than 35, you must be a natural-born citizen and you must have resided in the U.S. for at least 14 years. Many of us fit these criteria. But (almost) none of us are crazy enough to run.
A select few, however, make no secret about their political ambitions and lust for the Oval Office. These unsung heroes are known as perennial candidates. For them, running for office is a celebration of our freedoms, a protest statement or a glamorous opportunity for performance art.
Here are some “lesser-known” candidates who have already announced for 2024, or who might consider running again if we’re lucky.
Vermin Supreme — ‘Friendly fascist’
Who can talk about presidential hopefuls without mentioning Vermin Love Supreme? He has run in every presidential election since 1992.
His platform has often consisted of promises to give every American a free pony and proposed mandatory toothbrushing laws. He is often seen with a rubber boot on his head and has been known to sprinkle glitter on opponents.
More recently, the performance artist has attempted to “play it straight,” vying for the Libertarian Party’s nomination in 2019. He came in third, with 206 delegate votes.
My name is Vermin Supreme. I am a friendly fascist. I am a tyrant that you should trust — and you should let me run your life.
Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough.
I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make.
Remember, a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.
Timothy D. Brewer — Philosopher king
Almost nothing is known of Timothy Brewer.
In his one television appearance, at the “Lesser-known” Presidential Candidates Forum in New Hampshire, Brewer claimed to offer the “best way to communicate forever.” He allegedly gained this knowledge from a near-death experience at the age of 25 and has reached a kind of enlightenment that only a brush with the void can produce.
Unfortunately, after his introduction, most of the wisdom he shared in the forum was rendered unintelligible, broken up by the percussive sound of lozenge sucking.
I’m a natural left-handed peaceful thematic Pisces, like Albert Einstein.
On Christmas Day... I offer my first measurable solution: the contact-orb soul-spirit Jesus with brain gate out of Boston, Massachusetts, if I’m allowed to.
Sam Sloan — Professional chess player
Sloan is a professional chess player and book publisher. He has previously run for president in the 2020 election and Congress in 2014.
His plan to stop drug trafficking is to hit the trade at its source. That means building a road between Panama and Columbia, tricking the cartels into using it, and descending like eagles on a school of cocaine-stuffed salmon.
Sloane’s personal blog appears to be a plain text website that includes the exact coordinates of every place he’s ever lived, scams he has fallen for, legal documents related to the custody of his children and some rather helpful movie reviews.
He especially liked the children’s movie “Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit,” but said “I did not understand the movie at first and that is the reason why I am writing this description.”
Sloane believes “Dirty Dancing” is one of the all-time greats.
Nobody but me has done a whole bunch of things. If you look at my biography you’ll see that I’ve done a whole bunch of things.
I am not an Old Bolshevik but we must reinstate the estate tax.
I will erect a statue in honor of that Great Patriot Edward Snowden.
President R19 Boddie
President R19 Boddie, his first name is legally “President,” has already declared his candidacy for the 2024 election. He ran for governor of Georgia in this last election cycle but was defeated by Brian Kemp. Boddie also ran for president in the 2020 race.
In his run for governor, he proposed a minimum teacher salary of $80,000, and a “Right to Travel” card to replace all driver’s licenses. It is unclear what prompted his aversion to driver’s licenses.
Why vote for Boddie? In his words “you’re making a decision that is not programmed by the beast” (a reference, of course, to IBM’s Supercomputer).
I am already the president.
The first thing I’m doing in terms of our military is establishing the United States Praise Force. Listen. That is the 7th branch of our United States military.
Everybody on this stage is campaigning except me. I’m cam-’joying’
Mary Maxwell would likely be one of the most highly educated presidents if elected, with a master’s degree from Johns Hopkins, and a doctoral degree and law degree from the University of Adelaide in Australia. She has written numerous books, and has a small YouTube channel where she discusses her favorite conspiracy theory literature.
In 2006, Maxwell ran for Congress in New Hampshire. In 2017, she ran for Alabama’s open Senate seat, that state requiring candidates only be a resident for a day. Maxwell ran for president in 2020, in New Hampshire’s primary.
In an interview with Temple University, she claimed that she prefers a male president, for military reasons. “It would be strange to have a woman as commander in chief.” In the past, she sued the FBI for framing the man convicted of the Boston Marathon bombing.
Gee, Rand Paul is not the only person who knows how to filibuster — I could do it, too.
I’d propose loyalty oaths that would prevent members of secret societies from running government.
Maybe President Boddie’s musical military branch is impractical and expensive. Maybe Sam Sloan needs to reevaluate his foreign policy ideas. But like Teddy Roosevelt said, “It is not the critic who counts... the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.”
Sometimes it feels like the political system is rigged, and our input doesn’t make a difference, but these candidates give Americans hope for the future. History has not yet been determined. As long as we are allowed to write “Vermin Supreme” on our ballots, we are still free.