Christmas time is often seen as a time for gatherings with family and friends, but family time is not easy for everyone.
“More than 7 in 10 adults said they are on speaking terms with the members of their immediate family — think parents, children, siblings — roughly a fourth said they are not speaking to a member of their family,” the Deseret News previously reported from a HarrisX poll.
Dealing with difficult relatives during the holidays, like Christmas, can be challenging, “Whether you simply don’t get along with family members, or the current political climate is causing tension, holidays are hard. You might struggle with depression or anxiety that is heightened by time spent with immediate and extended family,” per Choosing Therapy.
How do you deal with difficult family during the holidays?
Family members can be particularly challenging because of the complex and intimate nature of our connections with them. Here are a few helpful strategies you can use to make the experience less stressful this holiday season:
1. Plan ahead and set boundaries
Anticipate potential issues and prepare your responses. If you know certain topics will arise, think about how to politely deflect or address them briefly before moving on. Plan to “stay away from topics that can cause arguments,” family medicine physician Stephen Shapero told Scripps. “If someone does bring it up, try to change the subject in a polite way.”
Setting boundaries can be a difficult task to accomplish when they’ve never been put in place to begin with. Before the family gathering, think about your limits. What topics are off-limits for discussion? What behavior will you not tolerate? Communicating these boundaries clearly and early can prevent misunderstandings.
2. Don’t succumb to people-pleasing
Take care of yourself, and don't dismiss your feelings to please others. If things get overwhelming, step outside for a breath of fresh air, practice mindfulness or find a quiet space to decompress.
“You may want to step in and try to be the mediator when family members are fighting, or you may shy away from your truth when confronted because you don’t want to upset someone,” according to Verywell Mind.
“But people-pleasing is not an effective way to interact with difficult family members and can hurt you in the long run. When you constantly put other people ahead of yourself in these situations, you lose sight of your needs.”
3. Limit time spent
It’s OK to limit the time you spend at family gatherings or take breaks if they are detrimental to your well-being.
“If you can, keep interactions with these family members short by taking a bathroom break, playing with the kids or dog, or offering to help a family member in the kitchen. You can also schedule to meet up for a certain amount of time. For example, you can agree to meet for a couple hours for dinner rather than spending time together all day for the festivities,” marriage and family therapist Brooke Rawls told Choosing Therapy.
4. Focus on the positive
Try to focus on the positive aspects of your family and the gathering. Acknowledging what you’re grateful for in these situations can sometimes help shift your perspective.
Helpguide shared the example of seeing the good in your in-laws, whom you might not get along with as easily: “Your in-laws are part of your family because someone else in your family saw the good in them. If you’re having a hard time seeing past their flaws, try making a list of their strengths.”
5. Avoid topics that are sensitive
Try to steer conversations towards neutral topics that everyone enjoys. This can help avoid conflicts and keep the atmosphere light.
There will unavoidably be subjects that have lead to disagreements in the past. “Know what these topics are, and be extremely aware when these are brought up,” Psychology Today advised.
“Your past experiences should help you, especially when you are confronted with these delicate subjects. Be prepared to address these issues in a direct, nonconfrontational way or to deflect the conflict if the atmosphere becomes too heated.”
Remember that it’s crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. It’s OK to take steps to protect yourself, even if it means altering long-standing family traditions.