During Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game, Charles Barkley said of Utah, “These people going to heaven. Ain’t nothing to do in this boring--- city.” To which Shaquille O’Neal replied, “I never ate so much room service in my life.”
Excuse me, SIRS, but a few things:
- Thank you for saying we’re going to heaven.
- Spending a weekend in a hotel getting room service IS something to do. One of the best things to do, actually.
- Had I known you were looking for things to do, I would have made some suggestions.
The following is a nonexhaustive list of some of the best activities for the colder months:
Scheels Ferris wheel
The Sandy Scheels location has a Ferris wheel right there in the middle of the store. For $1, you can spend 20 minutes taking in the sites of the sporting goods store while sitting in a tin bucket. This is an especially exciting activity to do with a child who discovers they are afraid of heights midride.
Once while my family and I were killing an hour on the wheel, we witnessed a man propose to his girlfriend. On the Scheels Ferris wheel. And can you believe it, Chuck and Shaq? She said yes.
Heber Creeper
Strap in for the thrill of your lives, my dudes! Moving at an astonishing 16 miles per hour, the Heber Creeper takes 40 minutes to travel a few miles through Provo Canyon.
When I was in fourth grade our class took a ride on the Creeper in the middle of winter for some reason, and up until that day I had not realized teachers could get bored and cold. But when I looked over and saw Ms. Jordan’s face, I realized adults, too, have an inner world and can feel misery.
It’s a good activity to remind you you’re alive.
Planetarium, aquarium, trampoline park, etc.
The real trick to enjoying or at least surviving the cold winter months in Utah is getting a season pass to somewhere indoors with activities for children and benches for adults. I know, you’re only in town for one weekend, but once you’ve paid the cost of admission to any of these places you’re halfway to a season pass and you might as well just do it.
Sure, these places range from petri dish where the next viral outbreak will be unleashed on the world to you’ll probably only catch a mild cold, but in the fifth month of gray skies and cold weather, it becomes worth the risk.
Yes, it is a little weird to show up to these places without children. But guess what — I’d be willing to lend you mine. Just have them home in time for dinner.
Classic Skating
Do you enjoy the smell of cheap pizza, faint vomit and hormones? Then do I have a place for the two of you! Do you prefer your roller skates slightly moist? You’re in luck! Do you like playlists that beg the question “Is this music?” You are in for a treat!
Classic Skating offers all this and more. Many a Utahn has crossed the threshold from child to young adult while skating the snowball, a mating ritual wherein young men and women hold hands while circling the rink with wheels on their feet.
I would be remiss if I did not invite you to experience the Snowball for yourself. Also, great news — I believe Classic also offers season passes.
Join us anytime
And you said there’s nothing to do in this town! Don’t you feel silly?
The truth is I can get a couple of guests in with my season passes and the Ferris wheel is only a dollar. So the next time you’re in town, reach out and we’ll have a fun, almost free February weekend!