Editor’s note: This is the first article in a series about peacemaking in America.
There’s a contempt problem metastasizing across America.
Arthur Brooks, the respected professor of happiness, said, “We have a cultural addiction to contempt — an addiction abetted by the outrage industrial complex … and it’s tearing us apart.”
In a 2021 Pew report, Michael Dimock and Richard Wike wrote that 8 in 10 registered voters on both sides of the aisle believed differences in America centered around core values, and the escalation of fast-growing polarization has become a top concern for many Americans.
In a milestone address on peacemaking at the most recent worldwide conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, President Russell M. Nelson said that “civility and decency seem to have disappeared.” He encouraged attendees to not give up, and to instead “show that there is a peaceful, respectful way to resolve complex issues and an enlightened way to work out disagreements.”
Even though American animosity and polarization may feel resurgent and rampant, there’s a whole field of peacemaking efforts dedicated to this type of work. Many Latter-day Saints have locked arms with other people of conscience to participate in these efforts. Deseret News interviewed a number of Latter-day Saints who have been doing concentrated peacemaking work in recent years.
Becca Kearl, the executive director of Living Room Conversations, thinks listening will help people connect in spite of disagreements around everyday issues and even polarizing political questions.
When it comes to the work of domestic peacemaking in America today, one of the most foundational steps is developing the ability to listen deeply with the intention of trying to better understand. As simple as that might sound, most Americans struggle with listening to each other. Our suffering relationships are both a symptom and a cause of increased polarization.
People often feel trepidation at even starting new conversations. That’s why Kearl’s approach involves “leaning into hope” and creating spaces that make this kind of listening easier. Being curious about people’s experiences helps a lot, she added — as Living Room Conversations founder Joan Blades has said, “get curious, not furious.”
The best part about getting curious about other people’s opinions and experiences, Kearl pointed out, is you’re less likely to end up feeling threatened by differences, compared with feeling like you can simply ask questions about what people feel and think, and then spend time reflecting on what they have to say.
That being said, when you disagree with someone, listening can be a frustrating experience. When this happens to me, I try to pinpoint questions that help me discover what values someone else sees their views originating from; on that deeper level of values, there’s likely some common ground that listening can reveal.
Andrew Evans previously worked for BYU’s Center for Conflict Resolution helping to mediate landlord and tenant disputes for BYU contracted housing. In our conversation, he agreed that better listening is essential for better peacemaking.
Evans learned diplomacy and peacemaking while working at the center — two skills he said he now uses in the Army. Recently, he’s been overseeing a group that includes a large number of Muslim soldiers, who have specific needs due to Ramadan. This previous work navigating conflicts has helped him be more proactive about anticipating those needs and creating necessary and compassionate accommodations for them.
As a person who leans left in a military and religious environment that leans right, Evans regularly hears opinions different from his own. But whatever the circumstance, he attests to the importance of being “willing to spend the time and listen” without getting defensive because it creates an opportunity for real conversation. Although not all conversations go well, talking at least gives you a shot at finding real connection and friendship.
Kearl recalled a time of family tension around a hot-button political topic when she decided to ask a relative to go on a walk. While getting some fresh air with that family member, their conversation touched on many topics. The power of that moment, once again, came from a shared willingness to simply listen to each other.
When specific frustrations arise, dialogue experts recommend that you turn the tension into a question. Kearl said moments like this are a good chance to “ask a good question and any time things start to go off track, you can bring it back to personal experience” in a way that helps you figure out why something matters to the person next to you.
The reality is that almost no one gets offended at an expression of sincere curiosity. As Kearl added, “We all welcome more curiosity on our position or more curiosity about the things that we care about. So if we offer that upfront and hope to get it in return, then that can be a way forward.”
Even so, listening can increase discomfort for any of us, as we’re invited to consider new possibilities. Evans said he thinks patience and other virtues are critical for this type of dialogue. “When you read the Sermon on the Mount, we’re encouraged to be willing to lay down our lives, essentially for Christ,” he said, adding that keeping an eye on our biases is especially important as peacemakers.
The result of these simple practices can be profound.
Sarah Perkins and Josh Sabey are the producers of the documentary “The Abortion Talks.” This documentary chronicles the private meetings of anti-abortion and abortion-rights leaders after an extremist murdered and injured people at two abortion facilities in Boston in 1994.
The result of these long-running dialogues wasn’t that any of the leaders changed their mind on the issue, but they saw each other in a more generous way. And that’s really what happens when you start to understand someone else — it’s hard to see them as a monster anymore.
This kind of listening is no guarantee of agreement, although convictions may shift in the interplay of ideas. Either way, “an enlightened way to work out disagreements” is more likely if we search out the best form of someone else’s argument, rather than the weakest version that is easy enough to debunk.
Sabey wishes individuals and organizations would “actually engage authentically with each other” far more, and believes that these conversations should happen in person, rather than online.
A critical reason why the abortion talks were successful, he pointed out, was because there was no audience. With social media, he said, “the problem is there’s always an audience.”
Perkins shared one of her favorite moments which didn’t make it into the documentary. As one of the anti-abortion leaders was speaking to the group, she said even though she believed abortion was “inherently evil,” she believed the abortion-rights leaders were “of good will.”
Perkins pointed out that this “could be a scary moment, and it is for a lot of people” since we’ve become almost comfortable seeing certain people as the enemy. But to be clear, “ultimately, the result wasn’t a loss of their belief or a shattering of their paradigm.” They simply saw some goodness in each other.
Instead of making cartoonish villains out of those with whom we disagree, this points to something different we can try — something that takes some work and internal stretching, but which offers greater peace and connection.
In the end, what if our kindness was measured not by how we treat friends and family, but also how we act toward people in intense moments of disagreement? And instead of seeing people with whom we disagree as intellectually or morally stunted, what if we sought out ways to better understand them?
Things worth considering — and even more, worth trying out in your own life.