January is the most common time for married people struggling in their relationship to think seriously about divorce (March has the most actual filings). While often held at bay during the year-end holiday celebrations, the thoughts of ending a marriage can reemerge when thinking about plans for the new year.
For those who are thinking about divorce, I know clarity is an especially precious commodity. After years of researching, writing and teaching about this question, I want to provide some research-based perspectives and offer suggestions to help you get more clarity about how to approach this important decision.
The hard reality is that divorce can be necessary, especially when it involves the four A’s: abuse, adultery, addiction and abandonment (physical and emotional). But research has found that the large majority of divorces are not the result of these weighty reasons. Among the reasons people give for their divorce, softer reasons dominate — lack of commitment, too much arguing, sexual dissatisfaction, a loss of connection, growing apart, diverging dreams.
These “soft” reasons are not void of real pain — and can certainly lead to deep disappointment, frustration and sadness. But if these softer reasons are motivating your own thoughts of divorce, appreciate the possibility that your relationship can be restored with work and patience. I hope you will be open to four suggestions for how to improve your thinking and decision-making process.
First, get perspective. Thoughts of divorce are common in marriage. A study I conducted found that more than half of married individuals reported thinking seriously about divorce at some point during their marriage. But almost 90% of those who reported this said that they were glad they stayed together.
A quarter of married individuals in this same study confessed that they had thoughts about divorce within the last six months. In contemporary society, it’s almost impossible not to think about divorce when struggles arise.
But marriages have seasons and undulations. And entropy applies to relationships as much as it does to celestial objects (meaning that the natural course of any system tends toward chaos; they fall apart unless we regularly put energy back into them).
A good marriage takes ongoing work that is sustained by strong commitment, a tangible sense of the long view, and not getting overwhelmed by current disappointments. Perspective doesn’t solve all your problems (certainly not the most serious ones), but it will help you ride out some storms, give you time to see the sunshine again, and motivate the work to help heal and potentially repair your relationship.
Second, slow down; take the time needed for such a difficult and complex decision. It’s important to realize that the stressful emotions and scary unknowns that are pinging back and forth in your head will make it harder to think straight. These negative emotions restrict the flow of blood to the prefrontal cortex — literally draining the energy from your higher-order decision making.
It’s an unfortunate and ironic reality that in this critical moment for a marriage, when the rational brain needs to be humming at full capacity, it is likely only operating at half speed. So don’t rush into a decision, and work to get your rational brain as functional as possible.
In this situation, some people identify a highly trusted friend or family member to whom they can lean upon and partly “outsource” the work of their prefrontal cortex. This needs to be someone who cares deeply for you (and your spouse) but also has the strength to challenge you when needed.
You don’t need someone who knee-jerk responds to marital moanings with, “Yeah, you deserve better; leave the jerk/jerkette.”
Be cautious about the specifics of what you share with this trusted friend; respect a certain zone of privacy for your relationship. Don’t ask your friend to be a marriage counselor and solve your intimate problems.
The next step is deeper introspection. More often than not, when you slow the decision-making process down and think more rationally about the challenges, you will see things that you can work on yourself to improve the relationship. Start by making some small changes in yourself — rather than insisting that your spouse make changes first.
This may have the effect of spurring your partner to do the same. Attention to what you can do better also sends a strong signal that you value your marriage, which your spouse may possibly be doubting. Of course, if your spouse doesn’t respond at all to the effort you are putting into the marriage, that too may be an important signal that can help you get clarity about the future.
If your spouse responds positively to your efforts, this may be a good time for a final step towards better days for you both. Talk openly together about not just your discouragement but also your hopes for renewed love. Counsel together gently about a plan to strengthen your marriage.
Most couples in this situation start with personal efforts on their own. There are some great educational resources (books, websites, online classes, etc.) that can help you understand your problems better and provide doable remedies. I’m partial to the resources available for free on the Utah Marriage Commission website (StrongerMarriage.org) — which is an effort I’m currently managing. (You’ll also find a more in-depth treatment of this same topic in this guidebook here.)
When thoughts of divorce are intruding, I’ve found in my research that most keep these thoughts private. But consider initiating a brave conversation about what each of you are feeling, what you want and how you can get there.
For many, these private efforts to rebuild a stronger marriage will be sufficient to make significant improvement, especially when both partners have signaled their desire to do so. But don’t be afraid to enlist help; some marital challenges will benefit from professional counseling.
Brush aside the sense of stigma about counseling. Asking for help is a sign of courage and strength and can be a powerful signal of how committed you and your spouse are to strengthening your marriage. (Don’t worry too much if one of you is a little more enthusiastic about getting help than the other. Good couples counselors are trained to work with these situations.)
Just make sure your therapist is as committed to your marriage as you are. And ask if they have been trained and have extensive experience with couples counseling, not just with individuals.
Of course, marriage counseling isn’t cheap. But it’s a lot cheaper than the long-term financial consequences of divorce. And your employer’s benefits package may cover a limited number of sessions.
There are paths to strengthening your marriage and avoiding divorce. But what about those couples where that may not seem to be possible?
Let’s first acknowledge that, for too many, divorce is not their choice. In most divorce cases, one spouse wants out while the other wants to keep working to save the marriage. Our legal system allows for the unilateral cancellation of mutual vows based on one person’s unchallengeable assertion of irreconcilable differences.
It’s also the case that a few marriages exist only in a legalistic sense — with marital vows that seem in retrospect to be empty words. In this case, it’s not hard to understand why some conclude their marriage seems beyond resuscitation. (I’m not talking here about stale and stuck marriages; most of these kinds of relationships can be revived with mutual work and sometimes even just the passage of time and changed circumstances.)
Some in this situation choose to stay together despite the significant challenges of the relationship. I’ve interviewed a few people over the years who make this choice. They talk about pragmatic reasons (“My life would be even harder with a divorce”) or wanting to preserve the father-child relationship (“He’s a good dad even if he’s a lousy husband”) or religious commitment (“God doesn’t approve of divorce”).
There can be virtue in these choices, especially if one or both partners feel some degree of peace about unseen possibilities still ahead for the relationship. It’s important to also recognize a central element of marriage is that it should create joy and meaning, even when that may be hard to see in the current moment. If you choose to preserve a legal marriage that is far removed from that kind of joy and meaning, be sensitive to what your children are internalizing about marriage. And make sure that you are civil with your spouse. Research indicates that children in high-conflict marriages are generally better off if the marriage ends.
As mentioned earlier, there are certain behaviors that clearly violate the moral boundaries of marriage (abuse, adultery, addiction and abandonment), undermining the meaning of the sacred institution, while eroding over time a sense of human dignity. It’s true that many men and women can find lasting healing from addictive patterns and sexual transgression. And while forgiveness is real, the hurt from these traumas can overwhelm some individuals and relationships.
Yes, there can also be miracles. In my research, I’ve interviewed couples who have been in deeply destructive marriages — with addiction and adultery and abandonment — that by any rational evaluation were beyond hope. Yet against all odds, the couple found their way back to health. Faith can be a powerful force for this kind of dramatic change, especially if both spouses believe marriage is a divine institution and see God as a real source of healing.
In other especially destructive cases, hope often withers. And I believe there are times when divorce affirms the moral boundaries of marriage rather than challenges them.
Regardless, divorce is probably the most complex and scariest decision many people ever face. And we must refrain from judging people’s choices when we can’t fully understand their circumstances.
If the new year has you thinking about ending your marriage, I wish you the resources to think wisely about it and gain the clarity you need. More often than not, there are hopeful paths to repair and restore the relationship. A renewed marriage is stronger and even more beautiful than before. It’s a gift to yourself, your spouse, your children and your community. If possible, resolve to pursue this path in 2024.
Alan J. Hawkins is Manager of the Utah Marriage Commission and an emeritus professor of family life at Brigham Young University.