IN THE PAST FEW DAYS, Chet Cannon's father and brother have, separately, told two of my colleagues that they wish I would "lay off" poor Chet. Well, that's not going to happen. For one thing, Chet decided he wanted to be on "The Real World," so he's fair game.
For another, Chet is so quotable. That's why he gets so much face-time on the show. Not because he's as smart and charming as he thinks he is, but you can't help watching him because he's such a train wreck. Well, sort of a circus train wreck. With clowns and everything.
So much so that even though his fellow Utahn/East High-grad, Baya Voce-Hoffman, finally gets some face time of her own, Chet's latest lunacy easily overshadows her.
This week, we see once again that Chet really, really wants to be on MTV. As a host. Or, in the moments when he thinks it's 1985, a veejay.
Chet is under the impression that he gets to interview the band Danger Radio and that the band comes home with him and that they tell him what a great interviewer he is because he's really great. Chet seems to have forgotten that he's on MTV and this is a way for Danger Radio to be on MTV.
All of this leads Chet to say, "I'm ready for MTV."
It doesn't dawn on Chet that maybe being on MTV"s "Real World" gives him an in. Not that there's anything wrong with using that in to audition for "this little hypothetical show is called 'Ranked,' " Chet says. (Actually, it's not hypothetical. It's a real show.)
And the comedy really gets rolling as Chet frets and frets over what to wear to the audition.
"I still feel like I should wear a bow tie," Chet says. And even his buddy Ryan mocks him. "Chet cannot be more of a woman than in this moment right now."
And then Chet calls his mommy to see what to wear. She says button-down shirt and bow tie. Apparently, she loves him so much she doesn't see how utterly ridiculous he looks.
And then Chet tells the prospective employer he called his mom to help him get dressed.
And then he says, "I feel like I am a celebrity in my own mind. And it's a good feeling."
And then he's telling everybody how fabulous his audition was, even referring to himself in the third person — apparently the result of being a celebrity in his own mind.
"I'm just beaming. Whether it was the bow tie or my charisma, they're going to remember Chet,"
C'mon, if you had to blog about the Utahns on "The Real World: Brooklyn," could you resist any of this?
SEVEN WEEKS AGO, we saw Baya trying to be a dancer. Finally, the subject comes up again. And, again, Baya says she turned down the chance to study at the Hip Hop Dance Conservatory because they were mean.
"I just didn't appreciate the way that they treated me," Baya says.
This does not sit well with roommate Ryan. "She's the kind of person that when things get tough, she bolts," he says. "Someone needs to slap her. Like, bam! Work! Harder!"
We see Baya wavering all over the place about dance. She loves it, she's afraid of it.
"Dance has been an ongoing struggle for me since I've come here. I am changing attitudes about it almost daily," Baya says.
"I wanted to be a professional dancer for so long, and then I get to New York and reality sets in. (The) big city can swallow somebody really easily, so it's going to be hard for me."
At least we finally get a chance to see her in class again.
"You need to got to every dance class and have your mind go, 'What the (heck) is happening. And that's when you know you're learning," Baya says.
CHET JUST CAN'T STOP talking about other people's extremely private lives. Like when he gets downright gross after he asks Katelyn about the specifics of her sex-change surgery.
He's just joshing, but Chet keeps after Katelyn about using her after-surgery medical devices to play pranks on other housemates. And he's shocked — just shocked — when Katelyn doesn't think this is funny.
And, by the way, the good Mormon boy uses language I can't quote in a family newspaper.
Then he gets all upset when Katelyn doesn't take well to his joshing.
"If you honestly want to take this personal, that's great. But I just think you're overreacting," he says, oblivious to the fact that he was making jokes about something that's as personal as it could possibly be.
"Just when I actually think I could actually respect Chet as an individual, he goes and messes it up," Katelyn says.
CHET'S INSISTENCE ON ACTING like he's 12 and continuing all the sex talk does cause him some trouble in his, um, fabulous MTV interview.
An attempt at a joke about how he "tried to have sex with one of my professors" falls so flat he's dazed and confused.
The boy needs a filter. He has no idea how inappropriate he is.
A TRUE STATEMENT: "Back home, I told people, 'When I go out to New York, I want to make something of myself.' But I don't think probably too many people thought that it would actually take place," Chet says.
TO BE FAIR, Chet is certainly as qualified and competent as a lot of people who've had hosting jobs on MTV over the years.
Even though he started his interview with Danger Boy by talking about dog toothbrushes. Really.
CHET WEARS THOSE big, thick glasses because he thinks they look cool.
"I don't even really need glasses, but I wear them," he says.
I don't know if he's kidding. It seems too stupid to be true, but maybe it is.
