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On a rainy evening two weeks ago, a classroom full of college students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology spent their evening contemplating the value of monogamy: Should it be a social ideal? How many partners contribute to the well-being of individuals and children? How much should we give in to our natural impulses?
These questions were at the heart of a discussion between Brad Wilcox, author of “Get Married” and professor of sociology at the University of Virginia, and evolutionary psychologist Diana Fleischman. They spoke at MIT as part of the school’s civil discourse series.
Fleischman, who is married with two children but who endorses polyamory, made the case that people tend to mate in ways that are more varied than the cultural ideal of lifelong monogamy. “I think we’re too sensitive about things that promote jealousy, and I think we’re too sensitive about infidelity in general,” she said, explaining that in her view, it’s jealousy that’s more likely to blow up a relationship than infidelity.
Wilcox countered that monogamous marriage is what ultimately helps people flourish and be happy, according to social science data. “Nothing, at least on average, predicts a meaningful and happy life like marriage, especially good marriage,” Wilcox said. While financial security and a satisfying career do contribute to happiness, data shows, being married is even more predictive of happiness.
Americans who have one partner are more likely to be happier, Wilcox said, and they are less likely to end up divorced. “On average, Americans who embrace monogamy, both in belief and behavior, are more likely to flourish,” he explained.
There is a religious component too to a fulfilling marriage: couples who attend church together tend to be more sexually satisfied than couples who don’t go to church at all, Wilcox shared.
I’ve thought about this conversation in the context of this weekend’s messages from the semiannual general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and especially the concluding address from President Dallin H. Oaks, who declared that “we are a family church” and noted that “we are suffering from a deterioration in marriage and childbearing” in the U.S.
In recent years, marriage rates have been plummeting and we’ve seen a growing openness to alternative family arrangements like polyamory and swinging.
For example, younger people are especially open to “open marriages” — 51% of people under 30 years old said that open marriage was “acceptable,” according to the 2023 Pew Research Study. A YouGov poll found that 34% of all American adults say their ideal relationship is something other than complete monogamy. The majority, however, 55%, prefer complete monogamy.
Perhaps a more alarming statistic shared at MIT was that one quarter of Americans have engaged in sexual activities with someone else without the consent of their main romantic partner, per another YouGov poll.
Why then aspire to a monogamous relationship, especially as young people are reevaluating the need for marriage? Adults, and their children, are more likely to flourish in all aspects and be happier if they’re married to one partner, Wilcox said.
“There is no variable in the data set that compares to having a high quality marriage — not sexual frequency or sexual variety, not self-rated health, not religiosity and, again, not money,” he went on.
Yes, human beings are navigating two conflicting evolutionary impulses, Wilcox said: on one hand, the impulse for sexual variety pushes people toward novelty and multiple partners. On the other hand, an equally powerful drive is toward “pair bonding.” This drive compels people to form deep attachments with a single partner. Following the “pair bonding” impulse adds stability to our life and maximizes intimacy, Wilcox notes. Men especially benefit from these kinds of bonds.
One thing both the monogamy defender and skeptic agreed on is that stability and family structure matters for kids. Children living with one biological parent, usually the mother, and another man, are about 10 times more likely to experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse than children in intact, married two-parent families, both speakers shared.
“ I think my concern here is that polyamory is going to be one more family experiment that we’re conducting on the nation’s kids that’s going to end up harming them,” Wilcox said. “By actually leaning into the value of fidelity and monogamy, we’re enabling adults to forge deeper, more stable and more cooperative relationships that are better for our kids.”
Fresh off the press
- When tragedy struck in Grand Blanc, Dan Beazley from Michigan arrived with a 10-foot cross. He’s done it in 33 states.
- Over the weekend, Latter-day Saints across the globe participated in the 195th Semiannual General Conference. Catch up on the talk summaries by the church leaders and photos here.
- You won’t regret spending some time with this deep-dive into quilting and how it became a fine art by Deseret Magazine’s Ethan Bauer.
Person of the week: Sarah Mullally
Rev. Sarah Mullally was appointed as the 106th Archbishop of Canterbury on Oct. 3, following approval by King Charles III.
Mullally, who is 63, is the first woman to hold this position in the Church of England in over 1,400 years, according to the New York Times. She has served as the Bishop of London since 2018 and succeeds Justin Welby, who resigned amid a scandal involving mishandled abuse allegations. She is set to be officially installed in January 2026, becoming the spiritual leader of the 85 million-strong Anglican Communion.
Before becoming a priest, Mullally was a cancer nurse and then served as Chief Nursing Officer for England from 1999 to 2004. Her transition into ministry began with ordination in 2002, and she was consecrated as Bishop of Crediton in 2015.
Mullally endorses the church’s position that marriage is between a man and a woman, but she expressed support for prayers of blessing for same-sex marriages.
While her appointment has been celebrated by many as a symbol of progress and renewal, it has also faced criticism from conservative factions, particularly in Africa, which oppose female leadership in the church. In a statement, the Most Rev. Dr. Laurent Mbanda, the Archbishop of Rwanda and chairman of Gafcon’s leadership council, said that “the majority of the Anglican Communion still believes that the Bible requires a male-only episcopacy,” according to BBC.
In her remarks on Friday at Canterbury Cathedral, Mullally said, per RNS: “In an age that craves certainty and tribalism, Anglicanism offers something quieter but stronger: shared history, held in tension, shaped by prayer, and lit from within by the glory of Christ. That is what gives me hope. In our fractured and hurting world, that partnership in the Gospel could not be more vital.”
What I’m reading
- In his latest column, David French highlighted the contrasting responses amid Christians to the tragedy in Grand Blanc: while some chose to politicize the events, others responded with forgiveness and generosity. “America has witnessed two remarkable acts of forgiveness in the last month. Erika Kirk forgave the man who killed her husband. Latter-day Saints loved the family of the man who massacred their brothers and sisters. A nation that produces such acts of such love is a nation that still has life. It’s a nation that still has hope,” French writes. — There’s a Path Out of This Divide, David French for The New York Times.
- A Boston Globe reporter talked to several Latter-day Saints from the Boston area, where I live, about their reactions to the Michigan attack on the church. A few people noted that because the interiors of the chapels across the country tend to look similar — the couches, the art, the carpets — it made the tragedy feel closer and more personal. “I know exactly what it looked like,” said Natalie Marsh. — ‘I know exactly what it looked like’: Boston-area Mormons respond to Michigan church attack, The Boston Globe.
End notes
This video of Ukrainian Christians singing a worship song amid the ruins after yet another Russian attack was a moving sign of resilience, faith and community in the face of war. The Evangelical pastor, according to the post, lost his home twice in Ukraine: one in eastern city Melitopol, now occupied by Russia, and the second time, in Kyiv.