Dr. Kristin Francis has thought a lot about what it takes to co-parent well after divorce. She’s among experts who say the holiday season may add an extra dose of angst, expectation and disappointment to being a good parent with a former partner.
Francis, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, ponders co-parenting not just from the view of a mental health professional — she’s at Huntsman Mental Health Institute — but also as someone who has tried to do it right.
She’s a divorced mom who’s juggled the holidays and knows it can be emotionally hard.
The weeks from late November to the end of the year are packed with holidays and their related events for many faiths and cultures, creating a challenging period for divorced or separated parents, she told Deseret News. And to do it right, parents must set aside self-interest and be great sports.
Holidays bring up memories, traditions and sometimes difficult emotions even when families are intact, she said. When a couple’s relationship has broken, grief is a possibility, but the challenge of managing the season for the kids is a certainty.
Conflicts steal joy from parents and predictability from kids, said Reneé Rodriguez, a professional divorce mediator and founder of Best Foot Forward Consulting in Montclair, New Jersey. “Children don’t need a perfect holiday, they need to know they’re not going to be fought over like luggage.”
She adds that co-parenting well during the holiday season isn’t really about who gets more time. “It’s about who protects the child from conflict. The most loving gift a parent can give is a drama-free schedule,” she said.
Personalities and personal effort
Rodriguez helps parents navigate high-conflict custody and co-parenting around the world. She warns that if a co-parent is controlling or has narcissistic tendencies, the holidays can feel like game time. In an annual workshop she teaches, she warns that the holidays “are often the time of year they most enjoy engaging in sabotage.”
That can include late scheduling changes, terse pickup exchanges and what feels like competing to be the “fun parent” or give the best gifts. In such a co-parenting situation, Rodriguez advises creating traditions about the holiday, but “not necessarily on the holiday date itself.”
Most co-parents don’t set out to create problems, but it can happen. To be a good co-parent, the children and their emotional well-being must be job one, Francis said. She approaches the season by checking to make sure her own emotions are under control and she can prioritize the kids over her own needs.
That’s easier to talk about than do, she said. But failure to do that can damage the kids, family relationships and the future.
“The best thing you can do is manage your own emotions first and foremost and realize what’s about your kid and what’s about you,” Francis said, adding ex-partners should still be a team in putting the children first. And strong feelings tend to fade over time, as well.
“Your kid didn’t choose to get divorced and your kid is not going to be analyzing an ex-partner for flaws. If you’re doing that, it’s vital not to point the flaws of your ex out to the kids. If you slip up and make a sideways comment, acknowledge it. ‘You know what, that wasn’t very nice. I’m sorry. Daddy loves you and I am being kind of crabby.’”
Kids benefit from mom and dad
Co-parenting can be really tricky, as the National Parents Organization points out. The group describes what can be a “complex undertaking that requires careful planning, open communication and ongoing adjustment. Despite the best intentions, co-parents can face numerous challenges that can strain their relationship and negatively impact their child’s development.”
That includes differences in discipline, financial issues, poor communication between parents, consistency and avoiding conflict.
Done well, children are better off socially and emotionally, everyone’s life is less stressful and children can safely feel they have two real resources who are anxious and willing to help them do well.
Utah is among the states that require couples seeking divorce to take a divorce education course, which outlines some do’s and don’ts, the focus on keeping relationships healthy and protecting any children. At its core, the classes are about playing fair so the children can thrive.
Nicholas Wolfinger is a professor at the University of Utah in the Department of Family and Consumer Studies, as well as an adjunct professor of sociology. He points out that courts now tend to favor joint custody and parents have to figure it out.
Research, he said, suggests that it’s better for the kids in most cases. But also notes, “Joint custody selects for couples who can collaborate on child-rearing post-divorce and deselects for divorces where there’s something seriously wrong with one of the parents,” he said.
Families that can get along do so much better in the long run. Children actively involved with both parents in healthy relationships have better mental health, higher academic performance, fewer behavioral problems, girls are less likely to become teen mothers and more. They’re even likely to have higher incomes as adults.
Absent a really valid reason, New York author, lawyer and conflict resolution expert Damali Peterman said a parent should encourage the child to spend time with the other parent, noting that there are, of course, sometimes reasons that shouldn’t happen.
In general, the key is reducing co-parenting conflict. “One of the throughlines in the effects-of-divorce research is the parental conflict: It explains many of the bad outcomes that kids face. Multiple studies have shown that divorce benefits kids when parental conflict is high; kids also suffer when the parents continue to fight after the divorce,” Wolfinger said.
Francis calls conflict “a family killer.”
Avoiding co-parenting pitfalls
Peterman said holidays often stir up some old stress or old wounds and sometimes competing expectations. A lot of how well co-parenting works on the holidays depends on where parents are in their co-parenting journey. For those who are new to it, holidays can be worrisome.
Most divorce decrees spell out the holidays and parenting schedules, so that’s not usually where the negotiation lies.
Peterman advises planning early, because settling details reduces the drama a bit. Many holiday conflicts, she said, come from assumptions.
“I recommend co-parents confirm schedules in a timely manner. Sometimes things come up, and I understand that, but if they could try to confirm schedules at least two to three weeks in advance, then that can give people a chance to plan accordingly.”
She likes plans in writing, not like a contract, but something that can be referred to, like a text message. She recommends using clear, neutral language, not emotional language. Try to avoid landmine topics.
Then tell the kids the plan, Francis said, “because kids do best when they know what to anticipate, especially if it’s going to be a new setting with a new significant other. They should be prepared for that.”
The holidays may not be the best time to introduce a new romantic interest, Francis said. But definitely don’t spring it on the kids.
There’s also a chance a child will come home over the moon about a new partner. “She gave me acrylic nails.” Be prepared for that, too. No putting that person down, she said.
Francis also recommends making a plan so your ex and his or her family can FaceTime. You can fit it in your plans: Go ahead and call between 1 and 2. The rest of the time, we’ll be busy.
Make time for that, she said, “because that’s what’s best for the kids. And I do think it’s really nice if you can have it in your heart to send the other family, the other parent, a video or something if they want it.”
Be really open to talking about children’s feelings about any or all of it, Francis said.
Danger in dividing loyalty
Amy Armstrong is a social worker and conflict resolution specialist in Columbus, Ohio. She has seen parents whose grief over giving up time on a holiday “can be more than they can stay ahead of. Every parent knows they’re not supposed to talk bad about the other parent, but grief is bigger than their capacity to manage it,” she said.
She said she gives parents the benefit of the doubt because knowing what to do with heartache and anxiety is a skill. “You can’t learn in the heat of the moment. You can only use the skills you have, so you have to build those skills before.”
A big, important rule is don’t trash talk the other parent around the children, even when you think they aren’t listening. They might be.
“They notice all types of emotions and children should never feel pressured to choose a parent, or to hide their excitement or to carry any type of emotional weight,” Peterman said.
Francis said most children aren’t sophisticated enough to spread loyalty, so they feel they need to choose sides. She calls it “seventh-grade loyal. They don’t know how to be loyal to one without putting the other down. It tears them up.”
Besides being uncomfortable, it creates a pattern of talking favorably to the parent they’re with, while demeaning the other one “because they learn pretty quickly how to get your positive regard.” And it creates an unhealthy peer-to-peer relationship instead of parent-to-child that is really confusing for them when you try to discipline them or make them listen to your ex.
Kids also may learn in that situation to play their parents against each other. As Peterman puts it, “Kids should be at the center, but not in the middle.”
Parents who have split often compete, sometimes without meaning to, but often it’s deliberate. They may compete for time or with gifts, creating what Peterman calls “crazy pressure that’s exhausting and unnecessary.”
She recommends focusing on small, meaningful traditions instead of trying to out-holiday each other. There can be psychological impacts of that on kids, she said, and they should know that love isn’t measured by gifts.
Peterman uses the acronym TRUCE as a guide for ex-partners:
- Take a breath before you respond.
- Reflect on what’s best for the child.
- Use neutral language.
- Clarify the facts and the request “because people don’t always say what they mean.”
- Exit the back and forth; shift out of battle mode.
Self-care does wonders
Armstrong said it’s natural to be sad that the kids are not with you on Christmas morning. Have good plans for the day and take care of yourself. “Don’t sit home and mope and vacuum. Visit someone. Make plans for those moments you know will be sad.”
Because kids worry about their parents, you should tell your kids in advance about those plans and that you’re going to have a good time.
Remember, she said, “You’re allowed to breathe and also self-soothe.”
She also believes in taking some of the holiday pressure off by “having things you’re allowed to do perfectly and a few things you get to do poorly.” At her house, that’s cookie decorating. “Then pick things you’re allowed to completely let go of.”
Her “universal advice” is to be realistic about who you’re co-parenting with; work with what you’ve got and make plans that fit.
Building, honoring tradition
All of the experts consulted for this article said to ask the kids what they want to keep from shared past traditions or if they want to try something completely new. And each parent should create new traditions with their children.
They can be anything. Francis and her kids order sushi, a tradition born out of basically being anxious and overwhelmed at the holiday, right after the divorce. Now they all love it.
For traditions like chopping your own Christmas tree, the kids don’t need to cut a tree down twice every year. One of you let it go, Armstrong said.
Her preference is to not share a holiday, but have each parent take one they want and build traditions. Her ex takes the kids camping every Memorial Day and it’s written into their plan. Holidays are also often alternated. But rushing to split a day can be hard. If you do it, let the kids have some transition time. “It’s not the time to clean or rush off to a big meal with other family.”
Even young kids can help shape the holiday. You can find things a 3-year-old can choose. Armstrong’s kids used to complain their dad would wake them up and make them wait on the stairs. When asked, that’s still what they want to do.
Francis’ ex has a younger child and now Francis’ kids like to spend Christmas at his house so they can be part of their young half-sibling’s Christmas.
She tells them it’s great and asks what kind of gift they want to get for the members of their other family.