When Daniel Cox, a researcher at the American Enterprise Institute, looks at the state of marriage today, one thing stands out: A successful and enduring marriage isn’t just about what a married couple does, but also what the people around them do and say.
“Our social environment — the people we hang around — profoundly influences our behavior," Cox wrote in a recent edition of “American Storylines.” Just as people are more likely to take up smoking cigarettes if they hang out with people who smoke, “Research has shown that if a friend gets divorced, your odds of also getting divorced increase dramatically.”
That has led to the idea that divorce can be contagious, and there’s research that confirms this idea. Most recently, polling by the Survey Center on American Life earlier this year found that 41% of divorced people report having close friends who are divorced, compared to just 21% of both married people and single people.
Cox said that marital satisfaction is also “measurably lower” for people who report having divorced friends.
“Close to half (46%) of married Americans with no close friends who are divorced report being ‘completely satisfied’ in their relationship, compared to 34% who have at least some close friends who are divorced,” he wrote, noting that the pattern holds true for both men and women. “We can’t say for sure that these social connections undermine feelings of relationship satisfaction, but the association is robust.”
But the flip side of these findings offer a roadmap of sorts for couples who are determined to stay together for life. Building a strong network of married friends, and people who are otherwise invested in the marriage can help couples weather the inevitable difficult times.
Why people contemplate divorce
In an interview, Cox said that although the decision to marry or divorce is made by individuals, there’s a broader context which is often overlooked: the effect of our network of family and friends.
“If you have an incredibly supportive community that is nurturing and encouraging you to work through relationship problems, that’s very different than if you have folks saying, ‘this guy’s not good enough for you,’ or ‘this woman is a problem and she’s always been a problem and you should just bail.’
“We tend to think that for these big personal decisions we rely on our own experiences and our own counsel, but we are strongly affected by the people around us and what they think and encourage us to do or not do.”
Additionally, he noted that the mindset that helps build and sustain a strong marriage is at odds with the culture of individualism that permeates America, and is particularly strong in young, secular women, who are the most likely to consider ending a marriage. (Thirty-two percent of nonreligious married women say they have considered ending their marriage, compared to 20% of religious married women and 20% of secular married men, the same survey found.)
“When it comes to relationships, that (individualistic) orientation can be really problematic,” Cox told me. “If you’re viewing the entirety of the relationship in terms of ‘how is it helping me personally in terms of my emotional needs and my personal happiness’ ... that’s very different from thinking, ‘I want to build something with this person, and I want to focus my energy on this relationship and how to build a lasting marriage and family.’”
He added, “My own feeling is that we’ve moved societally more toward valuing autonomy and personal freedom above everything else, and we’re seeing the consequences play out.”
The consequences are seen not only in divorce rates, but also in Americans’ increasing willingness to sever other relationships when they become difficult, including those with parents and other relatives, and friends with whom we have political differences, he said.
“It’s good that we have more options, and that women especially have the freedom to leave relationships that are abusive or harmful, but we also need to make sure that the pendulum doesn’t swing too far,” Cox said. “All relationships are challenging, marriages are challenging ... (but) don’t confuse the typical ups and downs of marital relationships with something that is inherently problematic and damaging.”
How to support your married friends
Brad Wilcox, a sociologist at the University of Virginia and the author of “Get Married,” agreed with the findings about the importance of surrounding yourself with people who support not only you personally, but your marriage.
“Birds of a feather flock together. You are your friends. This is true when it comes to marriage, as with so much else,” Wilcox said.
Cox recently came across an informal analysis of relationship advice offered on Reddit that found a steady increase in those recommending the dissolution of the relationship, rather than sticking with it.
This could be in part because of the broader societal acceptance of cutting people off, but also possibly reflects the factor of divorce as a contagion, and the prevalence of what Wilcox and Maria Baer, writing for the Deseret News, called “divorce porn” — the authors and influencers who present the breakup of a family as liberation, “a picture of unencumbered womanhood."
The challenge for married couples, and those who value marriage as a foundation for personal and societal flourishing, is to surround ourselves with married people who will actively support your marriage — and to find ways to support the marriages of others.
This means, Wilcox said, that we “should help (our) married friends steer through the inevitable struggles of marriage without landing in divorce court.”
“Absent abuse, drug addiction or serial infidelity, this means encouraging friends who are having marital difficulties to stick it out, to seek help, and to work on being the best possible spouse and parent they can be. And if you see a clear pattern of vice on their part, challenging them to make some changes,” Wilcox said.
Moreover, Cox said, take care when getting relationship advice from friends who have been divorced.
“We don’t have to abandon our friends who have gotten divorced if we’re married, but also we should realize that their own experiences are going to be qualitatively different from our own. ... Their experiences are going to color how they view marriage,” he said.
“Also, cultivating a group of people who are supportive, not simply of you, but your relationship — that should be something we all think about. I’m not the only one with a stake in my marriage, other people have a stake, too. Certainly my kids do — but also our friends and other family members do as well. The termination of my marriage is going to have significant effects. When a relationship ends, it doesn’t just impact the couple involved. It reverberates out, and I think that’s a really critical lesson for all of us. None of us are operating in a bubble."