We’ve all been there — the cringeworthy moments when words come out wrong or when a heartfelt gesture like a hug goes unreciprocated, or a pause in a conversation lingers just long enough to become unbearable. I still squirm thinking of a love note I wrote in third grade that became the centerpiece of a joke, and when, years ago, I mispronounced “Papua New Guinea” in a work presentation, with my boss correcting me kindly in front of everyone.
Watching awkwardness unfold makes for good comedy — think of Michael Scott, the king of workplace awkwardness in “The Office” — but in real life, these uneasy moments can be surprisingly painful.
The holiday season, with its series of gatherings and parties, seems to magnify these moments. Making a social faux-pas at the dinner table or dredging up a charged political or family issue seems inevitable. “Awkwardness is what happens when we find ourselves in a social interaction for which we lack a script,” said Alexandra Plakias, author of the book “Awkwardness: A Theory” and an associate professor of philosophy at Hamilton College in Clinton, New York. “It’s when our social navigation systems fail us, and we suddenly find ourselves without direction.”
Speaking recently at Boston University over Zoom, Plakias made the case that awkwardness, contrary to popular belief, is not an individual characteristic, but instead a kind of collective failing. “There are no awkward people … there are only awkward situations,” she said. But these uncomfortable moments also offer opportunities for growth and empathy, both collectively and individually.
Why do we feel awkward?
When I asked my family about their most awkward moments, their examples included experiences that involved some kind of unintentional irreverence — a deviation from what may be socially acceptable in a particular context.
These situations tend to become awkward when participants in the encounter don’t have a clear way forward — do you own your comment or action or walk it back? Acknowledge the discomfort in the air or move on as if nothing happened?
“To me, awkwardness is self-consciousness tinged with uncertainty, in moments both trivial and serious,” writes journalist Melissa Dahl in her 2018 book “Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness.” Awkwardness is an alarm that is typically followed by “cringing,” a feeling we want to escape at all costs. That’s when we may choose to opt out — not saying anything to a grieving friend or choosing to stay home rather than risk feeling uncomfortable at party.
The word awkwardness evolved from the Old Norse word “afgur” — meaning “turned the wrong way” — into the Middle English “awk,” meaning “backward” or “clumsy,” Plakias explained in her book. Combined with the English “ward,” the word awkward literally means “facing the wrong way.”
But Plakias notes that awkward is not so much about facing the “wrong way,” but about “not knowing which way to face.”
Plakias argues that awkwardness is a social feature rather than individual quality, because what’s awkward is shaped by the social cues and norms we often set collectively. “Describing someone as awkward might be a way of passing off my own discomfort and putting it on the other person as the source of that discomfort when it’s really ... a collective issue to deal with,” she said.
And yet, labeling others as “awkward” is prevalent in our culture, Plakias found while working on her book. People frequently identify as awkward or attach the adjective to others. (This happens a lot with Vice President Kamala Harris.) “Some identities — toddler, tech CEO — are more insulated from awkwardness than others,” Plakias wrote. Being socially awkward can also be viewed as a flex, or conversely be used to exclude the neurodivergent and other individuals from marginalized groups.
Seeing awkwardness as a personal trait presumes that being effortless and smooth in social interactions is an inherent skill as opposed to something that can be learned and improved. And often “awkward” becomes a shorthand for really complex social moments. “If you tense up when you’re trying to make a good impression, maybe it’s not because you’re awkward. Maybe it’s because you’re right. This is complicated stuff, much more than it superficially seems,” Dahl wrote in “Cringeworthy.”
But awkwardness is not the same as embarrassment, Plakias clarified. While embarrassment is a response experienced personally, awkwardness is a kind of “collective social failing” that reveals where we need clearer “social scripts” to help us navigate complex and sensitive topics.
Reframing awkwardness
While uncomfortable, awkward situations can open up opportunities for positive change. Viewing awkwardness as collective shortcoming helps people see gestures or comments perceived as awkward — including our own — with more empathy. “Feeling awkward is closely related to this kind of empathy,” Plakias said. “It’s the flip side to our sensitivity to other people and what other people think.” In a way, feeling awkward is the “cost of being a socially embedded and caring person,” she added.
The sense of awkwardness can point us to where we’re still lacking language and templates for discussing hard, complex topics like mental illness, faith, disability or politics, and point to opportunities for improvement.
While we tend to dismiss awkwardness as minor social discomfort, it can prevent us from speaking out on important topics, standing up for our values, or establishing a deeper connection with others. “I think that when we’re in a situation that threatens to become awkward, we’re vulnerable to just accepting whatever script we’re offered rather than kind of pushing back and being seen as difficult,” Plakias said. In this sense, awkwardness can be viewed as a way of “resisting and refusing to play along,” she said.
Fearing an unscripted and vulnerable moment — for instance, when reaching out to a grieving friend without knowing what to say — can preclude us from deeper relationships. “We don’t have a collective script around death, because many of the assumptions are not universally shared and now people have different ways of dealing with it and what one person might consider a comforting thing to say might come across as wildly offensive to someone else,” she said.
How to make social interactions less awkward
As long as social norms evolve, awkward and self-conscious moments will persist since we are always trying to figure out what’s OK and what’s not in different social situations. But with the holiday season upon us, how can can we navigate social gatherings with less awkwardness?
Awkwardness flourishes in uncertainty, and it helps to gather all the information you can in advance. “We should be destigmatizing the act of asking for social cues, asking for help, clarifying — like (asking), when I come to office hours, do you want me to knock on the door or do you want me to sit outside and wait for you to come out?” Plakias said. She advises going into a potentially dicey conversation with a metaphorical map, which can include questions or talking points.
Comedy and laughter can also create an opening in situations where no one seems to know what to say. “This doesn’t need to be momentous,” Plakias wrote for The Conversation, “it could be a little joke, a small-talk topic, or even — and only if things get very desperate — knocking a spoon off the table to break the silence.”
By showing confidence in an awkward moment, you can make others feel more at ease, too, she said.