Ivy and Bernie are originally from Massachusetts but live now in Washington D C. In their mid-40’s, they are recently married, highly successful and world-wise. But they have a problem. It’s their parents.
Bernie’s parents retired a few years ago but are bewildered by what they should do next. They live in the same house, in the same neighborhood and have the same friends they’ve had for more than 35 years. They are content mostly just reading the newspaper and talking to their kids on the phone. They are in their 60s, financially secure, extremely well-read (a retired teacher and an engineer), and are a very close-knit family.
As parents, they sacrificed everything to get their children the best life possible. Now, they don’t know what to do with themselves. They have a “failure to launch.”
“They can’t wait to have grandkids so they can repeat child-rearing with us, “ Bernie says. “But we’re not ready yet and my sister and brother who are in their 30’s either aren’t married or don’t want kids yet, either.”
“The pressure is enormous, “ Ivy says. “ They are wonderful people and perfect in-laws in many ways. They just can’t see life beyond raising kids or, now, grandkids. There’s constant hints and inadvertent suggestions. They have no life of their own.”
While “failure to launch” is often used to describe 30-somethings still living at home and popularized by Matthew McConaughey in a movie by the same name, it can also apply to empty-nester parents who see their lives as over except for the off-handed chance to help rear their future grandkids.
They are living their lives looking in the rear view mirror.
Once viewed as the last chapter before death, retirement has now morphed into a new phase that brings both new stresses as well as new opportunities.
“When I first moved to St George, I heard lots of people refer to it as ‘God’s Waiting Room,” Stephanie Hill says. “It seemed like a lot of people were just ‘treading water,’ so to speak, rather than looking ahead to the future.”
Today, research suggests that if a person lives to age 65, their chances of living to age 85 are extremely high. Whatever combination of genes and lifestyle got them to 65, will likely get them to 85 as well.
However, changed circumstances can profoundly affect our identity, especially if work and childrearing played a substantial role in shaping that identity. Losing much of what defines us while still possessing the energy and desire to contribute can be profoundly disorienting. We may need a mindset remodeling job or maybe even a complete makeover.
“For most of the changes in our lives there is ritual,” Ken Dychtwald, author of the book Age Wawe, says. “In high school, when you contemplated college, you go visit campuses. There’s counseling. When it comes to retirement, people are basically told ‘good luck, have a good time.’”
Here’s how some have approached this transition and come out looking out the front windshield rather than the rear view mirror.
Regrets
Frank Sintra sang about having very few regrets in the song “New York New York.” Maybe he had “too few to mention” but many newly retried empty nesters can’t seem to let go of missed opportunities and unexpected challenges that dominate their thinking in retirement.
“I don’t regret working too hard,” Milton Olson from Brisbane Australia says. “However, I regret not developing other interests that matter to me along the way. I’m not a church person and I can only play so much golf in a week. Even now, I’m still trying to figure out how to spend my time on something that matters to me.”
Like others, Milton has tried volunteering, but he doesn’t find that very satisfying. “Volunteers too often simply do for free things they used to get paid for. I guess I need a paycheck to feel validated.”
Without a job to help give his life purpose and meaning, he’s floundering. Family life doesn’t help much, either.
“The kids haven’t exactly turned out as we had hoped,” he says. “When we get together, after only a few hours, everyone is looking for the door.”
False Starts
With time on their hands, many retirees may earnestly look for new opportunities only to find few realistic options available to them. It’s one thing to want to find something meaningful, it’s quite another to achieve it.
In the Netflix series “Matlock,” starring Kathy Bates, she moves seamlessly in a high-powered law firm because she is seen not just as old, but as irrelevant. “Because of my age, I’m invisible to many others,” she says to family and friends.
She’s only able to get a job because she breaks ordinary protocol and shows up unannounced and unexpected at an office meeting. This could only happen on television. In real life, real barriers would limit her ability to walk past security and into an office anywhere these days.
AARP reported that 64% of adults ages 50-plus think older workers face age discrimination in the workplace today with 90% believing that age discrimination against older workers is very common.
With current federal government layoffs underway, many older workers may find it difficult finding a new job. Skills mismatch, a tight labor market and agism may all make starting over difficult. In all likelihood, many will need to chase leads that end up in dilemmas and dead ends. Fits and starts will be commonplace for many either in finding a new job or a new purpose.
Shifting Gears
Like any life transition, starting anew can be challenging. What’s available for someone like me? What makes sense for me given my interest, skills, and abilities? How do I make the most of the time and circumstances in which I find myself? How do I retool and make the most of my situation?
None of these are easy questions. Answering them takes intentionally deciding to pursue a new course of action and pursuing it. Here’s some things that help:
Build a basket of activities. These can include volunteering, part-time work, philanthropic efforts, entrepreneurial quests and artistic pastimes.
Join or start an activity group. For example, find others who have similar hobbies or interest. Maybe that’s a group that takes hikes or bike rides. Find a book group. Meet with others in your church who want to share personal insights more deeply that might otherwise be available to them.
Develop a curious list. “Write a list of 20 or 30 things you are curious about and put it on the fridge,” recommends Robert Laura, founder of the Retirement Coaches Association, “When you’re curious, it fosters motivation.”
Have an open mind. Give yourself the quiet time to allow creativity and unexpected ideas to bubble up.
Talk to Others. Conduct “informational interviews” with others. What obstacles did they encounter? What helped them? Create e a list of “best practices.”
The more we work at something, the easier it becomes. Time doesn’t stand still. Life changes. Moving forward — looking out the windshield instead of the rear view mirror — enables us not only to see better but also to make the most of our journey.