We were stopped at a traffic light. In the car in front of me, the bass guitar from a rap song emanating from the car’s speakers was so loud that a crumpled piece of paper on my dashboard began vibrating. Then, a white-haired man in the car next to him rolled down his window and turned up the volume on an old Andy Williams song. It was hardly a battle of the bands, but the scene was amusing. Undeterred, when the light turned green both cars kept the volume up as they headed down St. George Boulevard in southern Utah.
I can only imagine the conversations that may have taken place afterward when each driver arrived home.
“Yeah, some old dude tried to blast me out with his time warped music,” the younger driver might have offhandedly said to family and friends — if he even noticed the music from the car next door.
“Who do they think they are,” the older driver might have said later, not really expecting a reply to his soon-to-be-delivered answer to his own question. “They think they own the roads. There’s just no respect for others anymore. Why, back in my day …”
While there are many ways to view this scenario, I was struck by the white-haired driver’s inclination to counteract the younger driver’s air play. Not content to wait it out a few more seconds, he felt obligated to “take on” his younger counterpart. He couldn’t just ignore his neighbor in the car next door. He had to respond with his own counterbalancing crescendo.
The obligation to assert these “rights” is the essence of grumpy old men.
“I’m too old to mince words,” a friend of mine says. “I speak my mind and let the chips fall where they may.”
He didn’t used to be that way. He’s still very kind and mostly patient, but less so than he was once. He used to tell every server at a restaurant that the meal was fine even if it wasn’t. Now, he nitpicks. He almost seems to look for something to criticize, no matter how minor. Something wasn’t hot enough when served — or was too hot. He didn’t notice the frazzled server — only that she was too slow. Or the air conditioning was too cool and it was ruining the ambiance.
Why the change? Was it the result of science or circumstances? Is “male menopause” a real thing?
British endocrinologist Dr. Gerald Lincoln says yes. Noting declining testosterone as men age, he said irritability, sarcasm and other mood swings can be attributed to (or at least aggravated by) low testosterone levels.
Officially called “irritable male syndrome” or “andropause,” it’s a recognized health condition by the U.K. Institute of Health. But not in the United States. Apparently, the word is still out here. There is a debate on how much can be attributed to hormones and how much to personal habits.
Is andropause a reasonable excuse for my salty behavior? Can I just say I’m a quart or two low on my testosterone, so don’t blame me? Well, OK to use it in London; but not yet in Lehi.
Dr. Bradley Anawalt, chief of medicine at the University of Washington, isn’t buying low testosterone as the cause of grumpiness in older men. It’s nonsense, he says. When older men are irritable, it’s almost never due to low testosterone. Other chronic health conditions, including obesity, are more likely fundamental factors. Back problems from being overweight are a bigger problem in causing irritability than low testosterone, he says.
People who are grumpy often want immediately to right every perceived wrong done to them, respond on the spot to every (supposed) snub, and promptly assert their “rights” in every social situation, my friend J.B. Ritchie, a former BYU professor, used to say. There’s something to be said for practicing restraint instead.
We’re too prone to the “Gunsmoke” TV series solution: Go out in the street for any slight given (real or imagined) and settle things once and for all in a shoot-out at the O.K. Corral.
Dr. Alvin Matsumoto, a testosterone researcher at the University of Washington, suggests that regardless of whether there’s such a thing as irritable male syndrome that’s caused by low testosterone, the best way to feel better is to address overall health needs.
“I don’t think you should be paying attention to testosterone levels,” Matsumoto says. “Pay attention to how you feel. Pay attention to the things that everybody knows are good for you, like diet, exercise, weight control, not smoking or drinking too much. Even though testosterone is my area, I believe these things are much more effective in getting people to feel better. And maybe a little less irritable.”
I guess we’re not off the hook, after all, and can’t simply blame hormones. Maybe it’s more about our overall medical condition and mindset than anything related to hormone levels.
Practicing restraint isn’t really a novel idea, but it may be in short supply, not only in older men but in the general population as well. It’s not “climbing every mountain, fording every stream,” but instead sitting back and taking in the whole situation.
In places like Japan, restraint is highly valued, carefully cultivated and publicly praised. It’s different in the West. “Go make something happen,” “live your truth,” and “don’t let others walk all over you” are emphasized instead.
The Japanese perspective, called Shankankan, is embedded in daily culture. It not only emphasizes patience, but also recognizes “the beauty in taking your time.”
Shankankan originates from an old story about a young pupil who wanted to learn as quickly as possible. Instead, his teacher stressed that genuine learning comes from quietly observing, carefully studying, and gently discussing ideas and approaches.
Life’s slights and injustices are temporary, impermanent, even fleeting, Japanese etiquette proclaims. Sakura, the annual cherry blossoms that bloom brilliantly each spring but last only 10 days or so, is a visual reminder that “this too shall pass.”
Old men have lived long enough to have seen this regular cycle of decline and renewal not only in nature but also in ordinary relationships. Maybe just a few reminders about slowing down, being patient and seeing “the beauty in taking our time” can help us become less grumpy and even counteract the loss of testosterone.