My wife likes to say there are three critical ingredients in everyone’s life:
- Something to do
- Someone to love
- Something to look forward to
Meaningful activities are “a restorer of thy life, and a nourisher of thine old age,” the Bible notes in Ruth 4:15. Without them, we literally have nothing to live for.
In his 80s, “Uncle Leo” Hurst continued to build and repair cabins with others at Camp Lamondi near Ogden, Utah, despite suffering from late stage prostate cancer. Asked by friends why he does this each day, he replies that without something to do he would have died long ago.
“I’ve got things I want to do before I pass to the other side. I have a long list of goals! I can’t waste my time sitting in a rocker by the fireplace,” he said.
Despite sometimes needing help, he showed up for “work” whenever there was work to be done.
The British writer Alfred, Lord Tennyson noted in his oft-cited poem, “Ulysses,” that when we get older, we may not have the physical strength or stamina we once had; but we may, in fact, have an even stronger will that we can leverage for new ambitions.
Old age hath yet his honor and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with gods.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
This focus on both continually learning and giving back is sometimes called generativity and is increasingly acknowledged as the key to growing older successfully.
Instead of seeing aging as merely dodging physical and mental ailments or having enough money and time for hobbies or travel, it flips the narrative by looking at what makes life meaningful.
It’s about considering “Have I done any good in the world today?” and not merely getting the most from personal entertainment.
Like runners in a relay race, it’s about “passing the baton” successfully to family members as well as friends.
A leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke about this in general conference some years ago. When a friend commented that it must be satisfying to see how her children had all become contributing adults, the leader said: “No, not yet. I’m not finished until I see how my grandchildren turn out!”
Grandparents can have a unique role in the lives of their adult children and grandchildren if they are willing to remain flexible about boundaries and experiment with various activities. Grandma Camps, family rituals, holiday celebrations and gospel participation are all opportunities to connect and collaborate as major events occur.
Life has many transitions that happen to everyone at various times: children to adolescents, teenagers to young adults, newlyweds to mature adults. Having traveled previous paths already, older adults can help younger family members navigate the future if both are open to each other’s point of view. If growing older does anything, it gives us perspective. The kind of perspective that allows us to become:
- Mentors who can help with problems
- Listeners without a stake in daily outcomes
- Windows into childhood memories
- Perpetuators of family and community traditions
- Observers with valuable life lessons
- Role models for life transitions
R.J. Sprague, a former professor of sociology and economics at the University of Massachusetts, famously wrote:
“Every period of human life is wonderful; the irresponsible age of childhood, the thrilling years of adolescence and courtship, the productive, struggling, burden-bearing era of parenthood; but the most wonderful time of life comes when the father and mother become close friends of their grown-up, successful sons and daughters, and can begin to enjoy their children’s children.”
We enjoy our children’s children when sharing our common legacy by telling family stories in compelling ways.
As the Psalmist noted: “Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not: until I have shewed my strength unto this generation; and thy power to every one that is to come” (Psalms 71:18).
Research shows that both younger children and teenagers alike learn how to maneuver through difficult circumstances and life transitions by hearing how family members handled similar challenges.
In the preteen years, in particular, children who discuss everyday events and family history with parents and grandparents often have higher self-esteem and stronger self-concepts than their peers. And teens who have learned about their family’s history have more robust identities, better coping skills, and lower rates of depression and anxiety. Family storytelling can help children grow into teenagers who feel connected to the important people in their life.
No one does that better than those of us with graying or receding hair who “know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.”