When you witness trauma: After the shooting

Thousands of people — many of them young adults — who had gathered at Utah Valley University in Orem on Wednesday to hear Charlie Kirk talk about politics, ideas and America’s future instead witnessed what turned out to be his murder. Trauma experts say they may carry that burden for a very long time.

“There’s no simple, magical formula for making people OKl after a terrifying, traumatizing event,” said Joel A. Dvoskin, a clinical psychologist at University of Arizona School of Medicine.

That’s certainly been true for Cindy Maudsley, who was 15 in 1999 when two teens rampaged through Columbine High School in Lakewood, Colorado, killing 13 students and wounding 21 more. Twenty-six years later, the Bountiful wife and mom was out jogging when she learned from a friend that Kirk had been shot and she said it hit her really hard. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and realized she was tearing up.

She wants the witnesses in Orem to be prepared, because “you never know what will trigger an emotion” or how long-tail the reaction to the trauma will be, she said. Everyone reacts differently — and each individual also reacts differently at different times, she added.

“It took me a while to process everything,” she said of Columbine. “I would say it’s important to acknowledge what you saw and that it was traumatic and not to downplay it.”

The do’s and don’ts of helping people heal

There’s a ripple effect after a traumatic experience. Not only those who were there, but also their loved ones, those who watch the videos, even across the entire nation can feel a lot of emotions, according to Amanda McNab, a licensed clinical social worker who holds a doctorate and works at Huntsman Mental Health Institute.

So it’s important to know that there are resources to help, from supportive people in one’s life to professional counselors who know how to help one process trauma.

Most people, in fact, will experience trauma at some point and “it will hit people differently because of their past and what’s going on for them in that moment,” McNab said.

Those who want to help someone traumatized by this or other terrible events should provide them with the opportunity to talk things out, express their emotions and feel safe in doing so, she said. You don’t have to agree with their opinions to be supportive and validate the experience and how they feel. What’s important is being a safe place and listening so they can process out loud.

“So listen. We can’t fix it. We can’t go back and change what happened. We can’t really say it’s going to be OK,” said McNab. “Being able to be present and help them be present, not getting caught up in past situations that might be triggered or stuck in some of the negative thoughts that can develop” after an event is also helpful.

But she also warns that listening can be triggering to the person hearing what someone experienced or saw, so the supportive person also needs to know their own boundaries.

Time and trauma are linked, but not necessarily matched, Dvoksin said. It’s common in the immediate aftermath to bring in counselors and others so those who were traumatized can talk about what they saw or felt or experienced.

But he noted that not everyone is ready to talk about it. Not everyone needs that. And not everyone is finished processing when days or weeks or even months pass and the counselors and others brought in to help pack up and leave.

“A few months isn’t long enough to know who’s going to have symptoms of the sequelae of serious trauma,” Dvoskin told Deseret News. So the support should endure to meet the need.

Dvoskin was on the team that went to Columbine to provide comfort and support after the shootings there. He returned two years later to conduct a study, interviewing 60 witnesses and survivors.

“What I learned is that they were in just as much pain and trouble in many cases two years later as they were in those few months after the shootings,” he said. “Trauma for some people is an acute issue and it goes away after a little bit of time. For some — for many — it doesn’t. If you’re going to offer resources, in my opinion it should not be offered for a short period of time."

Don Grant, a Los Angeles-area psychologist, author and researcher who specializes in technology’s impact on mental health, agrees. “Everybody gathers around right when it happens, but we need to realize that it could be six months later, they’re still maybe carrying it, and everyone else has moved on.”

He stressed the role of parents and friends in providing gentle support and monitoring mental health, even months later.

“I would hope that parents and friends — especially parents — know their child, know their threshold, their maturity and what they can handle. But I think it’s just being there, gently supporting them, making sure that they check in on them, seeing if it’s something that they want to talk about.”

Dvoskin said people may think they’re just fine and find themselves instead weeping unexpectedly months later “for no apparent immediate reason, because it’s hit them later. And many people won’t have any issues at all. It’ll be a sad event and they’re sorry they were there.”

And while most of those in Orem were not in immediate danger, it’s likely they didn’t know that, Dvoskin said, which adds to the trauma. That the campus had to be locked down after for some would increase the sense of danger, while others might feel it increased their sense of safety, he added. After such a traumatic event, the same action that can make things feel better can make it feel worse.

People at a shooting or other traumatic event do one of three things instinctively, McNab said.

“They fight, take flight or freeze. That’s a survival response that sometimes gets stuck in the ‘on’ position. And to calm themselves down, people have to figure out what works for them. Sometimes just being around people you care about is enough. You may not want to talk about it, but having someone physically present helps.”

She said supportive folks could also help by going on a walk, with or without chatter, or doing unrelated things together.

One thing that doesn’t help is viewing the event repeatedly on social media or the news. She suggests limiting access to that. “It can become overwhelming if we continue to expose ourselves to the trigger over and over again. Be OK shutting it down,” McNab said.

Grant believes that social media platforms have a responsibility to block the images. It’s not censorship, he said, but protection. And there’s a chance that people not looking for the shooting will stumble across it on their feeds and be traumatized, adding to the toll, he noted.

Dvoskin also warned against speculation, whether it’s about motive or something else. “We don’t know” is an underutilized answer, he said. And “one thing I can promise you is the story two days later is extremely likely to belie the first headline.”

A survivor offers advice

Though she’s moved on and has a great life, Columbine remains fresh in Maudsley’s mind and she calls herself “100% vigilant.”

When she takes her five children places, she’s very conscious of the exits. She looks around to see if anything looks out of place or if someone else seems worried about the surroundings. She admits it’s a little hard to let her children do normal things like go to movies or games or even school, because she knows terrible things can happen. It’s often on her mind.

“I don’t want them to go anywhere,” she said. “But I still let them.

She offers tips from her own healing journey. She tells witnesses and survivors to talk to trusted individuals who will listen, without trying to make things better. “Tell them you just want them to listen. That’s important. When people try and give their best advice, it might even make it harder to move forward or work through the trauma later,” Maudsley said, though people mean well.

She also suggests writing down your feelings. Besides helping express them, it’s a record for later if you need or want it.

Be prepared, she warned, for what might come after the experience. Some people have nightmares. Going out in public might be difficult. “Be prepared and make a plan now on how to work through it,” she said.

Therapy, “whatever it might look like,” can help.

Look for the miracles that happened, too, said Maudsley. Strangers helping each other, looking out for one another. “Recognize the good. Hold onto those memories rather than the other stuff.

Remember, too, that “there are more good people in the world than bad. That perspective comes with time. I was having a moment six months after Columbine and my mother said I wouldn’t always be this sad. I thought I would, but she was right.”