We all know what Thanksgiving is supposed to be like: a relaxing day filled with food, family and football followed by time spent poring over Amazon’s Black Friday deals.
But more often than not, it is filled with stressors ranging from needing last minute essentials to managing arguments among siblings about politics, religion and who didn’t come and why they may feel estranged from the family.
While the holidays can be a joyful occasion, they can also be a dreaded time to get together. In national surveys, as many as 40% of respondents had uncomfortable experiences with other family members on Thanksgiving — especially in-laws — with about a fifth of respondents saying they plan to skip the occasion altogether.
So, what do people dread the most during Thanksgiving?
Travel, hosting demand and politics top the list.
Thanksgiving, of course, can be a wonderful time to gather and enjoy the company of family and friends. Some 168 years after the pilgrims gathered at that early Thanksgiving celebration, George Washington proposed the first Thanksgiving celebration as a new nation in 1789 (though not yet an official national holiday, which would come later with Abraham Lincoln in 1863).
Washington encouraged Americans to give thanks on the last Thursday in November, saying “It is the duty of nations to recognize the providence of Almighty God … to be grateful for his benefits, and to humbly implore his protection and favor.”
Many families celebrate Thanksgiving with their own traditions and family practices. Cooking together is among them for many families.
“Some people think Thanksgiving is all about eating, but for me it’s just as much fun to cook and prepare special dishes together with my grown daughters and their families,” Stephanie Fackrell says. “When we are all in the kitchen together, it’s like having a captive audience. Everyone lets their hair down and I get to hear the good stuff — the kind of things they are less likely to share when we visit or talk on the phone.”
“Growing up, we went around the room and everyone said something they were thankful for before offering a blessing on the food,” Kristen Duke says. “At the time, I thought it was a little corny. But now, we do the same thing with my own kids and extended family members. It helps everyone get in the gratitude mood.”
Sometimes such round robin expressions of gratitude don’t work out. Siblings can tease each other or try to out do each other or even ridicule others’ comments.
Positive redirecting can help defuse tension when that happens. This can be done by acknowledging what was said and then using a transition phrase like “That reminds me of…” to introduce a new topic.
Other topics may not be defused so easily. Differences in political stances, religious views, or life choices can pull families apart rather than bring them closer together if mishandled. While various conversational techniques such as reframing an issue, deploying empathy, or avoiding certain “red hot topics” can help; so can a little strategic planning.
For instance, the room layout and seating arrangements can influence the tone and tenor of difficult issues if they arise. Creating natural buffers with tables and chairs, subtly asking known family members who are peacemakers in advance to spread out in the room, and seating respected family members next to likely troublemakers can all help.
Using conversation card games to fill time and space before or after Thanksgiving dinner can also redirect conversations into less controversial areas. This can also help build rapport and connection if the questions are sorted and used to engage family members on topics that support family togetherness. Conversation cards can stimulate engaging discussions, prompt positive memories, encourage expressions of gratitude, and rekindle memories of past good times.
During the later years of her life, my Mom called Thanksgiving the “accordion holiday.” She called it that because her house would expand to accommodate her children, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. Like others observing the country’s second favorite holiday, we didn’t like the long drive, but it was the best time for my children to see their cousins and for me to visit with siblings.
Sometimes, we ate two Thanksgiving meals — at lunch time and dinner time — so that we could visit with both my extended family and my wife’s extended family on the same day. Obviously, this took some measured planning to eat just enough at each house so that no one would be offended nor our stomachs overly stretched.
Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t.
While cooking together and sharing family memories is common among families, older couples or seniors living alone are increasingly dining out or ordering take out for Thanksgiving. Carson Parry, a manager at Golden Corral in St George, says Thanksgiving is by far their busiest day of the year, perhaps even two to three times busier than even a hectic weekend day.
Frank Rendon and his wife typically eat out with friends either at Golden Corral or Chuck-A-Rama for Thanksgiving. He says its convenience and a good price for a nearby meal are his primary considerations.
“I don’t like to drive very far for Thanksgiving and there’s no clean up needed when we finish,” he says. “We’ve eaten out for years. It’s now become our tradition.”
Like any holiday, Thanksgiving can be lonely for those who don’t have family or friends nearby. It can be especially difficult for seniors living alone or with health challenges that keep them home bound and isolated.
Ray and Bev DeGoyer have illnesses that restrict their ability to leave their house. Friends and family drop by occasionally and always on Thanksgiving, but it is still a difficult day for them.
“I’m reminded of all the things I can’t do on holidays, especially Thanksgiving,” Ray DeGoyer says. Even though I try not to feel sorry for myself, sometimes I get downhearted. Thanksgiving has so much nostalgia with it for me that it can be an especially difficult day.”
Whether by choice or circumstances, many people find themselves alone on Thanksgiving. But it doesn’t have to be a miserable day. Here are a few ways to still celebrate the occasion:
- Hang out with strangers at a park
- Volunteer at a food bank
- Have an in-home spa day
- Call an old friend
- Take a long walk in nature
- Write to missionaries or military personnel
Through such acts of service and outreach, Thanksgiving itself is giving way to Friendsgiving both in concept and in practice. Friendsgiving — often a potluck meal by transplants to a new area with friends rather than family members — reflects both a more mobile society and diverse family arrangements. This also reflects a desire to give back, to do something for others in the community or neighborhood, to get the adrenaline burst that comes with doing something for others.
Ultimately, the success of any holiday celebration relies on prioritizing the experience over perfection. Emphasizing camaraderie, connection and togetherness perpetuates lasting relationships. T
here are a variety of ways this can occur in traditional families, in senior couples, or with persons living alone. Group activities — whether in person or virtual — storytelling activities, gratitude notes and phone calls to others all connect us to each other and provide opportunities to create lasting shared memories.
These experiences ensure any gathering transforms ordinary meals into meaningful exchanges that honor the spirit of Thanksgiving.