When I asked Edward Cannon what he liked most about the holiday season, he said: “I get to eat See’s candy at 6 a.m. on Christmas morning without anyone getting after me.” He also likes time with his grandchildren and visiting with neighbors.
Christmas is often portrayed like a Norman Rockwell painting as a season of joy, warmth and togetherness — a time when families gather, traditions are revived, and houses are brightly decorated.
Yet for many older people, the holiday season can become one of the loneliest times of the year. According to MedicareFAQ, more than 44% of adults over the age of 60 feel lonely during the holiday season.
Loneliness occurs when there is a discrepancy between our desired level of connection and our actual relationships. The holidays may come with high expectations that are not easily met for any of us. While the rest of the world may seem to be celebrating holiday connections, our experience may instead be marked by absence, silence and memories of what once was.
“The older I get, the more Christmas changes for me,” says Marleen Chappell, who has been widowed for some years. “I look forward to the noise and craziness with my grandkids, but there’s also a tender part of my heart that aches a little bit.”
While loneliness in later life is not confined to the holidays, BYU professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad told me, it can be heightened at Christmastime. Many older adults may have outlived spouses, siblings and close friends who once filled the season with shared rituals. So, “how things used to be” has inevitably become very different from “how things are now.”
Adult children may live far away, preoccupied with their own responsibilities, while social circles may be shrinking due to health issues or changing circumstances. When mobility or driving becomes limited, people can also be physically isolated at the very moment the season emphasizes being closer together.
Emotional isolation also plays a powerful role. Christmas can stir memories of earlier years — bustling kitchens, crowded tables and the sound of children running through the house. These memories, though cherished, can deepen the sense of loss when they contrast sharply with present-day solitude. For some older individuals, the holiday may become a reminder of people missing from their lives rather than a celebration of what remains or what still lies ahead.
Video calls may bridge distances, but they cannot replicate the warmth of a shared meal or the simple pleasure of sitting beside a family member.
“I like to talk to our grandchildren one-to-one,” Linda Bell says. ”That’s hard to do over Zoom. The parents take over or the grandkids get distracted. Zoom is better than nothing but it is not the same as being in the same room with my grandkids.”
Loneliness at Christmas, however, is not inevitable. Rather than staying at home alone, Dr. Holt-Lunstad suggests that older people can “flip the script” by finding ways to serve others, rather than waiting for someone to reach out to them.
“If you are alone, go volunteer at a food bank or serve others in some other way,” she says. “Serving and helping others takes the focus off ourselves and reduces the sense of loneliness.” Even if mobility or other conditions make it difficult to drive or leave the house, there are still ways to serve others such as writing letters to distant family members, making phone calls to others who may be shut in, or reading stories or magazine articles to hospital patients. For more ideas, contact JustServe.org
Small acts of kindness can make a profound difference for both givers and receivers. There is an obvious benefit for those on the receiving end of acts of kindness, but researchers have found a complex interplay of neurochemical reactions that occur in our brains when we give to others with no expectation of reciprocity.
Researchers have now documented what is sometimes called “helper’s high.” Research has shown that when we engage in altruistic behavior, a hormone called oxytocin increases in our brains. This surge in oxytocin not only helps reduce stress and anxiety but also increases bonding with others and overall feelings of belonging. That adage may be scientifically accurate after all: it really is better to give than to receive.
Shifting from a focus solely on festive abundance to communal and neighborly appreciation, however simple or small, can help “make the holidays bright” regardless of where or how we live and celebrate the festive season.
Your own attention, listening and presence remains a profound gift you can offer others, even when you yearn for more of that yourself. When we make space for others in our holiday traditions and offer thoughtful companionship to them, we honor the true spirit of the season: generosity, compassion, and shared humanity.
Every year there are also frequent reminders about the true meaning of Christmas. They are all helpful cues that the season is about more than gift giving or even fellowship. It is, after all, a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ who came to bring peace and goodwill to humankind.
He is a reminder that regardless of our birth or circumstances — manager or mansion — there is always reason for hope. “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)