My friend was perplexed. After 30 years of marriage and six children, his daughter discovered that her husband was cheating on her. Soon, they were divorced.
Infidelity is an increasingly common trend these days among both older men and women. According to data from the Institute for Family Studies, about 24% of married men in their 60s and 70s report having marital affairs — more than any other age demographic. While less frequent than their male counterparts, older women are also increasingly unfaithful, with about 16% of older women in their 50s and 60s engaging in extramarital affairs.
As my wife likes to say, once the children leave the house, couples need a reason to stay together or serious problems like this or divorce can arise.
“He was an extended family favorite,” my friend said of his son-in-law. “He was an engaged father, seemingly committed churchgoer, and successful in his career. We’re still not sure why he continued his affair even after he and our daughter went to counseling.”
As marriage partners move into their 60s, 70s and beyond, they face shifting circumstances related to health, finances, leisure time and family roles. Keeping the flame burning bright in older adulthood becomes an art of adaptation — balancing acceptance and effort, independence and interdependence, continuity and change.
“After kids are gone, then (couples) are more likely to say, ‘Well, I’ve basically done what I can and should for my children,’” says Brad Wilcox, sociology professor at the University of Virginia. ‘“And now it’s time for me to experience romance’ at age 58 or 65 or even 72. So that’s a big part of the dynamic that is playing out as well.”
His data show couples who neglect investing time, energy and attention in their spouses in favor of their kids struggle to keep that spark alive in their marriage once children leave.
When an “empty nest” occurs, couples may need to reinvest in their relationship with each other. If their marriage is based on co-parenting rather than personal intimacy, they can feel disillusioned as a couple and experience “roommate syndrome.” Without new goals and revived emotional connections, they may find little reason to stay together.
Self-centered mindsets and misguided “romanticized” views of marriage can also lead couples to divorce, Wilcox says. In later life, older couples may also idealize these “golden years” as a period of endless travel, effortless compatibility and uncomplicated connections together.
The reality, of course, is that just like in earlier days, later-life romance isn’t like a Hallmark movie. Instead, it is more likely to be messy, tangled and demanding.
For many older couples, marriage in the later decades of life is both a culmination and a continuation — a relationship shaped by shared history, tested by challenges and enriched by deep companionship. Yet these challenges do not diminish the potential for a fulfilling, resilient relationship. In many cases, they create opportunities for greater empathy, cooperation and emotional closeness.
While older adults often worry about health matters, research on how health challenges among older couples affects their marriages has some surprising results, says Jeremy Yorgason, a professor at BYU in the School of Family Life. In a recent interview I had with him, the scholar reported on data that shows caregiving by older adults, in particular among married men, can result in closer, more satisfying marital relationships rather than diminishing them.
“There is something about caring for a lifelong partner that is invigorating and can draw couples together,” Yorgason notes. This may require a different role definition and new tasks for older men, but this new mindset and related activities can deepen emotional ties rather than unravel them.
Jay Leno, the former talk show host of the Tonight Show, recently made headlines by speaking out on his wife’s diminishing mental and physical health. “I like taking care of her,” Leno said. “I enjoy her company, and we have a good time. We have fun with it, and it is what it is.”
“The first 46 years (of marriage) were really great,” Leno continued. “It’s OK now. It’s not terrible. I’m not a woe-is-me person. I’m just lucky that I am able to take care of her.”
These changes can sometimes create frustration, fear or anxiety — not just for the individual experiencing them, but for the relationship as a whole. Successful older couples navigate these transitions through patience and flexibility.
While good communication is always important, sometimes concepts like transparency and openness can be overstated or misunderstood. Dealing with differences can sometimes get better results by changing schedules, roles or even expectations rather than attempting to “talk them out.”
“When my husband retired, he wanted to help me in the kitchen,” said Jean Guttomson. “But he was just underfoot. Talking about it only made it worse. Instead, if I had a big dinner to prepare or a new recipe I wanted to try out, I would give him a long list of errands and then send him off. We were both happy doing something and we didn’t need to discuss it at all.”
As couples age, they tend to have sex less often. Hormones, health, priorities and other factors can contribute to this decline. Yet, surveys report that around two-thirds of adults 65 and older are still interested in physical intimacy. And those who are sexually active report a higher quality of life and overall sense of well being than those who are not.
Physical intimacy, of course, is more than the standard definition of lovemaking. Such intimacy includes cuddling, caressing, holding hands, kissing, hugging, spooning and the like. When accompanied by genuine expressions of affection, physical and emotional intimacy intersect and become more pleasurable and more fulfilling.
“Because I have sleep apnea, we don’t sleep in the same bed anymore,” Gerald Simmons told me. “But we frequently dance in the living room at night. We like touching each other, holding each other close, and enjoy the movement that goes along with it while dancing.”
While health-related websites like VeryWell note that our sex drive may change as we age, they also describe independent physical and mental health benefits that occur with physical intimacy. Rather than avoid sex, researchers encourage couples to address any underlying health conditions so that they can discover their ways to enhance their own physical and emotional intimacy.
Financial realities also reshape marriage dynamics in later life. Retirement, shifting income and rising medical costs can all impact retirement savings. For some, this means adjusting expectations — downsizing, simplifying daily expenses or redefining what “security” feels like.
Older couples who maintain strong marriages tend to treat financial planning as a joint venture. They talk openly about goals and needs. In some cases, they may even have separate banking accounts to promote independence and less “oversight” by their partner. Marjorie Hinckley, wife of former President Gordon B. Hinckley of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once famously joked that sometimes she even kept the ZCMI credit card bills to herself.
“I tend to spend more than my wife,” Gary Jewkes told me recently. “She is a minimalist and I like nice things and love to collect. Our differences on this issue created constant conflict so a couple of years ago, we funded a ‘mad money’ account for me. It’s been actually self-funded ever since by creating a fun and lucrative ‘buying and reselling side hustle’ to replenish the account,” he explained. “My wife doesn’t see it so she’s not anxious about how much I spend or what I spend it on. The account has actually grown over time along with my beautiful collections which has been a lot of fun and satisfaction as well as eliminating our ongoing conflict over spending. It feels like a win-win for all of us.”
Long-lasting marriages can help couples build on their shared history in navigating the future and reinforcing common coping skills. Couples in deeply committed relationships can find new ways to deal with health, family and personal problems if they are willing to be vulnerable with each other, trust in their ability to find solutions together and listen deeply to each others’ goals, interests and preferences.
Only two people who have spent a lifetime together can sit on a porch in comfortable silence while knowing exactly what the other is thinking without saying a word.