Almost 12 years ago, I pitched the idea for this column to my editor at the Deseret News. I was a first-time mother with a 1-year-old daughter. By day, I played on the floor with her, went to parks, read books about sleep training and took long walks with neighbor mothers. By night, I worked as a reporter and journalism professor, trying desperately to hold onto the person I was pre-baby.
I wanted to meld those two worlds together and write about my life as mother. I set out with the intention to make this space a real look at my daily life as a stay-at-home mother, as well as a sounding board for topics that mothers might care about.
Through the years, this column has talked about everything from nursing to bullying to sex to Halloween costumes. And each time I sat down to write, I tried to stay true to my ideal of being real. I didn’t want to sugarcoat my experience as a mother. I didn’t want to view my motherhood through the lens of an airbrushed filter. I didn’t want to put one more mommy blog into the world that would only show the Instagram-worthy moments and the perfectly cooked Pinterest dinners and décor. I wanted to be real.
Originally, the title of this column was “Becoming Mom” to reflect my journey into motherhood. I love that title because it still rings true. I’m 12 years into this motherhood gig and I’m still learning how to do it every day. Because the job keeps changing. My children keep growing. And I keep becoming.
In that first column in 2008, I wrote, “I’m claiming my mommy badges, stretch marks and all. I’m putting them all out here for you to read about, along with all my blunders, embarrassing new mom moments and transcendent moments of clarity.”
Since the day I wrote that, I have been told my doctors that I could never have more children. I have had another baby anyway. I have adopted a third. My motherhood has changed, and so have I.
And for right now, I’m at the era of motherhood where my hands are full and it’s time for me to take a hiatus from writing this column. I recently had my first book published, a young adult fiction titled “Scars Like Wings.” Like this column, I wrote that book at night and during naptime, stealing moments of me-time to pursue a lifelong dream of becoming an author.
But I need more time. I need more head space to continue my creative writing. So, I’ll be stepping away from this column, but I hope to return when my schedule and brain are not so full.
Until then, I hope all of you who have read my words over the last decade-plus, have found some solace here. I hope I’ve achieved my original goal of being real, and that this column has been a place of refuge. Where mothers don’t feel alone. Where mothers can say, “Oh, I’m not the only one!” Where women can feel that they’re doing just fine, as long as they get up the next day and try again.
Because we are. We are all doing just fine — as mothers, as wives, as friends, as humans. We are all becoming something better, something greater, even as we fail. Even on the days when we feel like we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing (so pretty much every day), we are doing better than we think we are.
It’s so easy to compare ourselves to the picture-perfect lives we see as we scroll on our phones, and it’s so easy to focus on others’ strengths and our shortcomings. But we are a work in progress, and we are becoming every day. And we’re doing it together.
So thank you for all the emails and comments and support throughout the years from new moms who have told me they feel the exact same way, to veteran mothers who tell me to hold on a little longer because they’ve been there, and this, too, shall pass. How I needed those words of support, especially in the early days, when motherhood felt too big, too daunting, and I felt far too small.
Until we meet again, wherever you are on this journey to becoming mom, know that you’re doing better than you think you are. And most importantly, you’re never, ever, doing it alone.
(Until then, please continue to write to me at erinstewartwrites@gmail.com and follow my journey as a mom and an author at erinstewartbooks.com.)
From stretch marks to the latest news for moms, Erin Stewart discusses it all while her three children dive-bomb off the couch behind her.