To cope with the stress of social isolation, one comedian recently advised: “There is going to be a lot of pressure over the next few days to talk to friends and family. Fight it. Stay positive.”
Humor can go a long way to ease our anxieties.
But, during these uncertain times, we should also lend some serious attention to our physical, mental and relational health. When it comes to COVID-19, we’ve all heard best practices such as social distancing, washing hands and doing all we can to stop the spread. Experts have also provided sound mental health advice to follow amid increased seclusion and heightened anxiety.
We should additionally make sure we’re implementing best practices when it comes to our relational health.
In fact, as school’s continue to extend closures, this moment may present a unique opportunity to take inventory of our close family relationships and move to improve them. For many, being confined at home with spouses, children or other family and friends is a gift. Late night television star Jimmy Fallon recently quipped that spending all this time at home has helped his family discover that “we actually like each other.”
But being in close quarters day after day can also be a source of stress. Indeed, for some, it can feel as though Hollywood made a sequel to Bill Murray’s “Groundhog Day” called “Thanksgiving” — fiery arguments about politics, religion, housework, employment, finances and everything else are burning longer and more intensely.
Chances are that most families are experiencing a little of both ends of the spectrum; but, it’s sobering and deeply concerning that social workers and other experts are anticipating a potential uptick in domestic violence and child abuse during this period.
Relationships are strongly linked to our physical and mental health. They’re vital to our overall well-being. We should seek to keep them strong and vibrant. Below are just a few pieces of advice to help us not only weather this COVID-19 storm, but to also help us leverage this moment as an opportunity to forge stronger ties with those we love:
- It’s all about the relationship. Making your relationship with family members the top priority is as important now as ever. This may mean setting aside tasks to accomplish, opinions, or other things that wedge their way between you and those you care about. Relationally healthy people know how to think primarily about their relationships and secondarily about the things that need to get done. Do what you can to remember this principle. Perhaps use it as a mantra — “It’s all about the relationship” — when things begin to get difficult, and the task list begins to lure you away from loved ones.
- Manage your expectations. Regardless of your circumstances, you probably have some idea about how things “should” be right now: “I should be able to home-school my children,” “I should still be productive for work,” “I should be able to make this feel like a once-in-a-lifetime family reunion/party.” Although it isn’t bad to have reasonable expectations, overly rigid expectations are unhealthy. Flexibility is necessary to ward off frustration associated with things taking an unexpected turn. For example, most of us aren’t trained to teach multiple grade levels, and even if we are, we weren’t trained to do so simultaneously and at the drop of a hat, or with our own children who may expect a different rhythm at home than at school. So, if homeschooling is overwhelming and doesn’t seem to be working, it’s okay to adjust your expectations so your relationships don’t suffer.
- Have and express empathy. Remember that others in your family probably feel similarly to you right now. Uncertainty and anxiety are high. Boredom and distancing can lead to stir-craziness. While some have the emotional and psychological resources to manage these feelings well, others literally don’t know what to do with them, which may lead to misbehavior, irritability or withdrawal. Understand that and reach out with love and compassion. You don’t have to say anything wise; simply be there with them.
- Make time to connect. Our central nervous system is designed to help us connect with others. Our brains and bodies respond to vocal inflections, facial expressions, and body language all in an effort to help us tune in and connect with others. But our bodies cannot accomplish true connection without our active efforts. Be available to your family members’ emotional needs and desires. Respond to those lovingly. And, take those opportunities to deeply engage in a mutual, emotional connection. Some of this can be done with those you’re sharing your home with. Some of it can be done via technology (e.g., FaceTime, Skype, Zoom, etc.). One way to do this is by “courting” family members. Partners court each other when they are interested in establishing a romantic relationship, but this courting sadly often ends after marriage. (It shouldn’t.) And, because it is a romantic activity, similarly proactive behaviors rarely extend to other family members. Parents, siblings and children don’t often experience the benefit of someone taking an active interest in getting to know them, their hopes, wishes, fears, dreams, likes/dislikes, plans, etc. Take this time to “court” those you love and get to know them on a deeper level.
- Establish healthy rituals. Traditions matter in families and relationships. They carry meaning and promote connection. Although you may not be able to establish long-term traditions with the uncertainty you are currently experiencing, you can incorporate short-term rituals that can be meaningful for your family. For instance, the other day, one of us watched a doodle tutorial Mo Willems (author of the Elephant and Piggie books) is making available daily while the country social distances. In it, he talked about spreading butcher paper over his table, on which everyone subsequently colored doodles at dinnertime. Doing something like this regularly can help promote shared purpose, connection, and introduce enjoyable stress-relieving activities. If you’re not a doodler, some activities that can be done daily are: sing songs together, gratitude exercises, play games, assemble puzzles, yoga, bake, read a book together, tell family stories, or anything you can do regularly without adding to your burden/stress.
- Apologize and forgive. It is inevitable — you will say and do hurtful things. Your family members will say and do hurtful things. These instances may very well increase in number and intensity during this time of confinement. Now is the opportunity to exercise those apology and forgiveness muscles. Be quick to recognize when you’ve made a misstep and sincerely apologize. Be just as quick to extend forgiveness to your family members. Forgiveness can often be difficult, particularly when it is for an infraction that opens old wounds. Begin by visualizing yourself granting forgiveness and let that grow within you. Practice developing understanding and empathy. And work on self-compassion (not resentment) so you can extend that to others. (One important exception: If you are in an unsafe home environment, where violence or abuse exist, you must prioritize safety over forgiveness. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233, or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), or thehotline.org for help.)
- Practice self-care. You may wonder how practicing self-care helps develop or maintain relational health. The reality is that relational health requires work. In order to do that work, you must be sure you have the energy and resources. That means making sure to revitalize and rejuvenate. Ironically, that may mean temporarily removing yourself from your family members (e.g., going into your own room, an open space outdoors, or even a closet). While apart, do something that helps you feel lifted and energized — a nap, a craft, read, take a bath, exercise, etc. — so that when you reconvene, you are ready to keep going.
At a time when stress and uncertainty are high, we need to use and preserve the resources we have. It so happens that our greatest natural resource is our family and close relations. Lifting and being lifted by each other will surely help us through this time and the recovery period that is sure to come.
Angela B. Bradford is an associate professor of marriage and family therapy in Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Hal Boyd is a fellow of the Wheatley Institution at Brigham Young University. Their views are their own.