Pignanelli & Webb: Despite the hope the pandemic would unite the nation and produce greater compassion among Americans, many politicos are angry and defiant and thus have landed on Santa’s “naughty list.” Of course, they are still seeking favors from the world’s most generous North Pole celebrity. Despite the risk of a congressional investigation, we decline to divulge our sources for this material and rely on the First Amendment to avoid prosecution.
President Joseph Biden: “C’mon, man! Just an extra 10 points on the approval ratings. Nothin’ big, I’m a nice guy, I kid you not, just 10 points!”
West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin: For all those liberals wishing me coal in my stocking, I say to Santa, “Please deliver a ton! I love coal. Christmas stockings are a great market for West Virginia coal.”
Left wing, self-proclaimed “woke” progressives: “We refuse to accept anything from this wretched example of everything that is wrong with the world. You exploit smaller humans while subjecting them to low wages and the discriminatory label of ‘elves’; your partner is barely acknowledged; the reindeer are treated cruelly and exceed an eight-hour workday; and you glorify the consumption of sugary, nonvegan foods.
Right wing, self-proclaimed guardians of liberty: “We don’t want anything from the obvious tool of fake media. You are clearly part of the conspiracy, using big tech social media algorithms to gather personal information as to who is naughty and who is nice. Further, your incessant gift-giving smacks of socialism.”
Donald Trump: “Hey Santa, clear the regulatory hurdles so I can get my media company ‘Truth Social’ going so no one can censor me. Also, make sure Twitter keeps me banned because I don’t make any money from it anyway.”
Gov. Spencer Cox: “I spent a lot of political capital developing my budget and vision for the state. All I ask is that the Legislature, the media and special interest groups do something different next year — actually pay attention to it.”
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: “Santa, please let all the election workers across the state know they are appreciated. And to those scoundrels claiming fraud in Utah’s elections, please show me the evidence — put up or shut up.”
State Auditor John Dougall: “I am still grateful for the 1 million votes — most ever for a Utah politician — you gave me in 2020. Makes me think I should run for governor, or U.S. senator.”
Attorney General Sean Reyes: “Just keep that overreach by the Biden administration coming so I can keep filing federal lawsuits and eventually argue before a friendly Supreme Court.”
House Speaker Brad Wilson: “No more resignations from my caucus, please. I have to spend Christmas vacation just memorizing all the new people’s names.”
Senate President Stuart Adams: “Nothing for me this year. But I do wish the world a peaceful, calm Christmas, as quiet and serene as any day in the Senate.”
Sen. Mike Lee: “Santa, I know you respect the strength of participatory democracy. So how about giving me a few more election challengers to dilute the opposition and ensure my reelection?”
Sen. Mitt Romney: “Please, more missteps by the Biden administration, which should not be a big lift. I need more opportunities to demonstrate my conservative credentials.”
Congressman Chris Stewart: “Chairmanship of the House Intelligence Committee would be a nice gift. In return, I will always clear and protect the airways from nefarious foreign interventions on Dec. 24-25 to protect your late-night global excursions.”
National Democrats: “Could you possibly deliver the votes for the ‘Build Back Better’ package? Within the $2 trillion there’s money for organic, non-GMO reindeer feed.”
National Republicans: “Santa, many thanks. Christmas came early for us this year — Afghanistan debacle, high inflation, out of control wokeism, immigration chaos, and Joe Manchin.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: “Seriously, I’m hoping Santa will deliver to all my municipal colleagues throughout the state a desire to relieve the capital city of some of the homeless burden.”
National news media: “Please keep the two old guys representing the major political parties saying silly stuff because it sells. Also, reporting on political rantings is easier than actual journalism.”
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “This is a time for forbearance. So I’m willing to forgive the County Council their mistake in not funding my entire budget. I hope Santa will deliver wisdom so they will change their ways.”
Congressman John Curtis: “Santa, nothing too difficult — just a fair compromise on Bears Ears National Monument. One that makes everyone happy. I know you have magical powers.”
Congressman Burgess Owens: “Santa, I appreciate my new district boundaries. Now just give me a few easy opponents and I won’t bug you for a full year.”
Congressman Blake Moore: “Santa, I need the name of a really good financial reporting professional. The media loves to jump on me for mistakes on reports that I’m not sure anyone really cares about.”
All Utahns: “Santa, please deliver extraordinary precipitation this winter so we can fulfill the basic needs of our lives — water-skiing, snow skiing, swimming pools, golf courses, perfectly manicured lawns, clean cars, washing down driveways, etc.”
Deseret News: Happy holidays to our readers – especially those who endure the antics of Pignanelli & Webb every week.
Republican LaVarr Webb is a former journalist and a semiretired small farmer and political consultant. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah Legislature. Email: email@example.com.