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What politicians are looking forward to after Memorial Day weekend

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An American flag flies at Utah Veterans Cemetery and Memorial Park in Bluffdale on Memorial Day, Monday, May 25, 2020.

An American flag flies at Utah Veterans Cemetery and Memorial Park in Bluffdale on Memorial Day, Monday, May 25, 2020.

Ivy Ceballo, Deseret News

Pignanelli & Webb: Finally. Memorial Day holiday 2021, a well-deserved long weekend of wonderful weather — and no masks. As the unofficial beginning of summer, this is when most people plan their vacations and personal improvement projects for the warm season. Politicians are no different. So, we used artificial intelligence (because we don’t have any real intelligence) and social media analytics (performed by 11-year-olds) to reveal what is planned by our leaders.

President Joe Biden: “Given my age and the possibility of cognitive decline, I’m going to get a head start on my presidential memoir even though I’ve been in office only a few months. It’s going to be titled, ‘How to Talk Like a Moderate and Govern Like a Liberal While Wearing a Mask.’”

Former President Donald Trump: “I’m going to spend the summer talking about how the election was stolen, why I’m the legitimate president, how unfair it is to be banned from Twitter and Facebook, why the news media, Hollywood and Big Tech hate me — while playing a lot of golf at Mar a Lago. In other words, business as usual.” 

Sen. Mitt Romney: “I will commence writing the second installment of ‘Profiles in Courage’. This will highlight politicians of principle in these modern turbulent times and provide inspiration. So far, I will feature Liz Cheney and ... well ... me. Any other suggestions?”

Gov. Spencer Cox: “Being a sensible, reasonable, nonpartisan, nice guy gets a lot of media attention. My administration is receiving accolades nationally and across the planet. If I can keep this up I foresee the ultimate reward … an interview with Oprah Winfrey. I know I can do it.”

Utah Parents United: “We got our legislative resolution discouraging teaching of critical race theory (CRT). Now we can spend the summer trying to figure out what CRT actually is. No one seems to know, and we can’t find a good definition. But we know this abhorrence exists in the public education curriculum. Somewhere.”

U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders: “I will be working on my book. ‘How to lose the presidential election and get every one of your campaign promises adopted by the new administration.’”

U.S. Sen. Mike Lee: “I’m looking forward to a relaxing summer project. My description of HR1 having been ‘written in hell by the devil himself’ got so much notoriety that I’m going to research and find all of the names of the various demons, banshees, monsters, ghouls, etc., and apply those names as authors of future left-wing Democratic legislation. This should be great fun.”

Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall and Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “In an act of bipartisanship, we were going to invite all the Republicans to a mask bonfire this summer and cook hotdogs. Then we realized the toxic fumes this would generate. So will have a garden party, with wine tasting, to collect the masks and have them recycled into tents and sleeping bags for the homeless. We know everyone will support this.”

Utah legislators: “This will be a wonderful summer because the only interim committee session is scheduled for June. Of course, we need extra the time to schmooze the redistricting committee. Got to make sure those new boundaries are just right.”

Congressman Blake Moore: “I’m going spend summer vacation building upon my recent opinion essay where I affirmed the Republican Party can grow through greater diversity, inclusiveness and aspiration. I know this can succeed. Just ask the unicorns, pixies and leprechauns who have agreed to help me.”

Congressman Chris Stewart: “Ahhh. the lazy days of summer. Swimming, napping in hammocks, lemonade ... bashing socialists, berating Biden’s leftist programs, defending Trump, warning against China and Russia. What a relaxing summer.”

Congressman Burgess Owens: “I’ve enjoyed my time in the nation’s capital. Hopefully, I can use these summer months to persuade my legislative friends on the redistricting committee to give me a few more Republican voters to even out my district. Just a few thousand.”

Congressman John Curtis: “I look forward to traveling the state and reopening my congressional offices so I can interact in person with constituents. This is important. Plus, I get to show off my collection of really cool socks.”

Senate President Stuart Adams and House Speaker Brad Wilson: “We are excited to attend a mental health therapy camp this summer. It is focused on helping conservatives not feel guilty for spending billions of federal COVID relief tax dollars.”

Utah Democrats: “We toiled all winter defending President Biden’s vision of expanding federal programs at incredible scale. We’re going to reward ourselves by reading a summer fantasy book: ‘Yes, You Can Spend Billions Without Stoking Massive Inflation.’”

Pignanelli: “I intend on recreating in all of the great outdoors opportunities in Salt Lake City. So if a restaurant or bar has a patio … I’ll be there.”

Webb: “I look forward to getting to town and expanding my circle of friends … my chickens are tired of me lecturing them about politics.”